Monday, June 28, 2010
The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.
Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.
I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
And let's not forget my body is broken.
I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.
The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.
I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I’ve been living childfree for the past 42 years so you would think I would be a pro at it by now and I was. That is until I actually decided my life would not be complete without a child. Now I don’t know how to move forward but I really am trying. I signed up for a boot camp that starts June 1 and is 4 nights a week. I somehow managed to talk Sunshine and S into signing up also. I hope we will still be friends when the course is complete. I’m trying to lose the 10 lbs of “no” baby weight I’ve gained over the past 18 months. I’ve also planned a trip to Napa, California in mid June with 2 of my girlfriends. We are planning to send 2 days in San Francisco and 2 days in the Napa/Sonoma area. We have rented a convertible and plan to really enjoy ourselves. This use to be my life – working out, running, trips with my girlfriends – I was a free spirit. Somehow this lifestyle which was so much fun seems hard now. I should be 5 months pregnant right now and planning a nursery not working out and going on a girl’s trip. I wonder when my old life will feel comfortable again???
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My sister posted a comment that basically said I should start a gratefulness journal and that bitterness, resentment and gratefulness could not all reside together. I am here to tell you that they have all become very cozy neighbors. Since my last post was such a downer this will be an uplifting post of things that I am grateful for.
I’m grateful for:
- My very supportive husband. He has been amazing through this process and even though I’ve been upset with him for wanting to discontinue IVF I do understand his reasons
- My parents and family. They offered me so much support and prayers throughout this entire ordeal. They wanted this for me just as much as I wanted it. My mother always rearranged her schedule and took me to almost every retrieval and transfer. She stood with me and my DH the first time we heard the baby’s heart beat and she was with me when there was no heart beat.
- My amazing group of friends who offered words of encouragement and hugs when I needed them most. No one could ask for a better group of friends.
- The strangers who prayed for me to become pregnant and prayed that I would find peace when I was no longer pregnant
- My 2 darling little kitties that could put a smile on my face when no one else could.
- God who has provided me with so many good things in my life. I hope that one day he will provide me with the peace to move forward
There really are so many things that I’m grateful for and I do give thanks to God for everything he has provided for me. I’ve read blogs about girls going through infertility that lose friends and become estranged from their families or their husbands leave them for more fertile women. I’ve read blogs about girls having miscarriages at 20 weeks or having to discontinue IVF because they are in debt and near bankruptcy from spending so much money on IVF. None of these things have happened to me and I’m grateful for that. I always tell myself that it could be worse.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I think this must be one of the hardest holidays for anyone suffering from infertility. All the TV commercials showing precious little children with their mommies just reminds all us infertiles what we are missing out on. Trust me we all know exactly what we are missing in our lives. I’m still hiding from my reality that I will:
Never be pregnant and give birth to a baby
Never nurse a tiny baby
Never see my baby smile or laugh for the first time
Never look into my babies face and see a bit of myself or my husband
Never rock my baby to sleep
Never hear the word “mommy” or even “I love you mommy”
Never see my mother holding or playing with my baby
Never get to pass down the wonderful example that my mother has been to me
The list goes on and on. My reality sucks and I’m having a hard time accepting it. As long as I stay focused on other things I’m able to breathe and find a tiny bit of peace, but when I really think about what I’ll never have I can feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces.
Monday, May 3, 2010
DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.
Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.
Friday, April 23, 2010
After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.
After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.
I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.
My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.
This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.
On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.
Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.
To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.
I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The above pictures are the two embryos that we put back on Tuesday. Our original plan was to only put back the one CGH tested embryo. However after it was thawed out it did not look so good. You can see that it is starting to spread out, kind of like when you crack open an egg and the yolk breaks open and starts to ooze out. Both embryo's had already hatched from the zona pellucida which is a hard shell that forms to protect the embryo after fertilization. Once the embryo has hatched it should stay in a tight circle formation. As you can see my CHG embryo did not do that. I'm not sure of the exact cause of this but it is probably just the quality of the embryo due to my advanced maternal age. For those of you lucky enough to have babies the old fashion way and aren't up on the IVF lingo - CGH testing is genetic testing on all 23 chromosomes and PGD testing is only on 9 chromosomes. My clinic just recently gained access to the CGH labs. In fact, I was their first patient to have CGH.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.
I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I heard someone say WAZ UP on the radio on this morning and it made me laugh. I haven’t heard that in ages. Things are starting to move along with my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer). I started my period late Sunday evening so I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule my sonohystergram. The nurse scheduled it for Wednesday which I thought was a bit early because I knew I would not be done with my period by then. She said it would be fine. WRONG. I get to the appointment and tell the tech it is cycle day 3 and she said she didn’t think I would be able to have the procedure. UGH! She did the initial exam (wand in the hoo ha to look around) and then went to get the physician’s assistant. The P.A. and nurse came back and said sorry you are still bleeding so we need to push the procedure to Friday. I went back today and the procedure went well. The P.A. was actually able to get the catheter through my cervix without dilating me. I’m glad to have that behind me. I go back April 6th for my lining check and then later that week for them to put in the dreaded cervical stitch. My transfer is scheduled for April 13th. We are only planning to put back the one frozen CGH tested embryo.
Yesterday was my DH’s 45th birthday. Before he got up that morning I said “Happy Birthday” and he said don’t remind me. Since we are planning a nice dinner out on Saturday I just stopped by his favorite pizza place (that doesn’t deliver) and surprised him with a pizza. He was thrilled when he got home and the yummy pizza was waiting for him. He went to get his hair cut after work and I heard him tell his mom on the phone that he got the gray cut out. HA! He has nice white temples and is salt & pepper everywhere else. Right now he is still more pepper than salt. I on the other hand NEVER intend to go gray. That is what I pay my hairdresser buckets of money for.
I went to the movies last night and saw A.lice in Wonder.land in 3D. I highly recommend this movie. It was really good and my friend S and I had fun dodging things in 3D. Tonight my DH & I went to a nice dinner to celebrate his dinner. I was sad to have to skip the cocktails. There is nothing better than a nice glass of wine with a nice meal. However, once I start my fertility meds I stop drinking alcohol and caffeine. At least my DH was able to have a couple of glasses and had a DD to get him home. Cheers!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Last week was a weird week. On Tuesday I got a call from my ex-sister in-law that my ex-mother-in-law had passed away after a 3 year illness. I’ve been divorced for 16 years but she said that my ex husband had asked her to call me and let me know. She invited me to the viewing that night. The phone call seemed surreal and the reason my ex didn’t call was because his 2nd wife doesn’t approve of him being friends with me. I would only talk to him a few times a year but for some odd reason she was jealous that we maintained contact. For those of you that don’t know me IRL (in real life) I meet my ex husband when I was 15 years old at a teen “nightclub”. I know how cheesy this sounds now. We lived about an hour apart but started dating and continued to date the last 3 years of high school and then the 4 years I was away at college. We were married about 5 months after I graduated from college and after dating 7 years we were only married 4 years. Looking back I think we only got married because after dating so long it was “the thing to do”. We parted ways amicably and for a few years I maintained contact with his mother but as time moved forward we lost touch. I have to say that going to the funeral home and seeing his entire family and his best friend was so strange. I had not seen his father, step father and one sister since our divorce. I had not seen my ex husband in about 10 years. In some ways I felt like I was stepping back in time. I have 11 years of memories with his family yet so much has changed with them over the past 16 years. I also got to meet the new Mrs which was interesting. She was cordial to me but it was almost funny to see her standing close and guarding “her man”. As if I have any interest in snagging him up for a 2nd round. I am sorry that the world has lost a wonderful woman and mother.
On a much happier note, I started my Lupron injections on Thursday. It is funny that taking a daily injection in the stomach can cause so much happiness. I do have to admit that for the first 2 days I was quite irritable. I told my acupuncturist this on Saturday so she made some adjustments that have hopefully improved my mood. I know my DH hopes it is improved.
I went Saturday to see the movie Re.mem.ber Me, if you haven’t seen this movie I would suggest you take some Kleenex. I was glad the theater was at the mall because I needed some serious retail therapy to lift my mood (and a glass of wine with dinner).
I had my endometrial biopsy/scratch test this morning. It went well and I’m so glad to have that behind me. I think every single one is worse than the one before (with the exception of the time they dropped the biopsy and had to repeat the process). I found out that my RE wants to do a sonohysterogram which is an ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy. I have to wait for my period to start and then wait until all bleeding is done before I can have this done. I will remain on the Lupron shots but won’t be able to begin the Estrace until I have this procedure. This will probably delay my transfer 5 days but my RE wants to do everything possible to ensure I get pregnant again.
I am planning to enjoy the increase in daylight this week and actually get some exercise outdoors. I apologize for slacking off on the blog lately but there really hasn’t been much of interest going on. As things move forward I’ll have more to blog about.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
This black cloud will not go away. I have been suffering from altitude sickness since we got here. We arrived on Sunday and after checking into the hotel we went to the grocery store. When we got back I had a killer headache so my DH told me to lay down for a while and then we would go to dinner. This was at 5:45. I never did get up because my headache would not go away. Poor DH ate trail mix and Oreos for dinner. I woke up feeling better on Monday and we went skiing and had a great day. I had a slight headache but not too bad. We went skiing again yesterday and the conditions were perfect. The picture is of me yesterday and as you can see the sun is shining and it wasn't too cold (around 18-20 degrees). I scheduled a massage yesterday afternoon and I think it unleashed some major toxins. After the massage I felt so nauseous. I got ready for dinner and DH & I went to a yummy Mexican restaurant across from our hotel. We ordered dinner and some made at your table guacamole which is my favorite. By the time it arrived I felt horrible and could not eat. We had to have our dinner (which had not even arrived yet) boxed up to go and I had to come back and get into bed (at 7:45). Poor DH had to eat his dinner in the room. The nausea lasted until around 2am and then a headache replaced it. DH is out skiing this morning while I try to shake off the remains of my headache. Our waitress last night told us about an Oxygen bar near our hotel so I might go check it out later. It is supposed to be good for altitude sickness. I hope to be able to go out and join DH skiing later today.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I got a call from my RE yesterday and he received the tissue test results from the D&C. The embryo was ABNORMAL and tested positive for Trisomy 22. This should NOT have happened because we had the embryos genetically tested with CGH (not PGD) and I somehow managed to fall into the 9% error rate group. I’m on a roll with the bad luck when it comes to get pregnant. The lab apologized to my doctor and said they were going to re-test their original slides to see what went wrong. They also told my doctor that if I did another IVF they would do the testing for free. The testing was outrageously expensive (double what PGD costs). This is the same lab that CCRM uses and has such a great success rate. Not to mention that their “next time free” offer does me any good because I think 5 IVF’s is plenty for me. I’m done with that stage of IVF. I still have one frozen CGH tested embryo so I’m praying that is truly normal and I hope the lab can reexamine the slide to ensure it is normal.
In case you need a biology lesson to understand what the heck trisomy means, it is an extra chromosome. You have 23 pairs of chromosomes and an extra chromosome attached to an existing chromosome always leads to an abnormality. Trisomy 21 is Down syndrome. Trisomy 22 almost always results in a miscarriage (2nd leading cause of spontaneous miscarriage).
So the good news is they found out the problem and why I lost the baby. The bad news is this really should not have happened to a CGH tested embryo.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven” (James 5:14-15, NKJV).
My sister asked one of the elders of her church to come over to and pray for me on Sunday while I was visiting at my dad’s house. The elder asked me to explain what was going on with the baby and then read some words of scripture (Joshua 10:12-13). He also said that I had to be careful and not make the want of a baby an idol above God. My family then gathered around me and everyone placed a hand on me and he read James 5:14-15 and rubbed some oil on my forehead and prayed for the baby. He explained that the oil was just baby oil and that it wasn’t any type of magical oil. It was just symbolic. I know this must really sound strange and I was very nervous when my sister mentioned it to me. My family is Baptist, but once I became an adult and started to attend church on my own I’ve attended nondenominational churches. I think this was a nice thing that my sister did and it has given me some peace of mind. I keep reminding myself that God is in charge and whatever the outcome on Wednesday I have to remember that God has a reason for everything even if we don’t understand what that is. I have a lot of people praying for me and my pray is for God to let the baby be ok and if not to grant me peace and acceptance.