Wednesday, January 20, 2010

No Heartbeat

Today was a very sad day. I went for my ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for this so it didn't come as a total surprise yet I had hoped that God would perform a miracle and save my little baby. The baby only measured at 7 weeks 2 days (last week he measured at 7 weeks 1 day). I am 9 weeks and 4 days today. I've scheduled a D&C for Friday at noon. They will send the tissue to a lab for testing to try to determine the cause of death. Normally this is a genetic issue, however we put back a genetically tested embryo so the cause is a bit of a mystery. It will take 3 - 4 weeks to get the lab results back. There is a 3-10% margin of error with CGH tested embryos. If the embryo comes back genetically normal then I'm not sure how we will proceed. My RE said that we would have to try some different medicines, etc. Two weeks after the D&C I will have to go back for blood work and continue to do this until my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) goes back to zero. It will probably be at least 3 months before I can do another transfer. I would like to do another transfer as soon as possible because I don't want my body to have a chance to reset itself back to its old ways. The only "good" news I heard today is at least I got pregnant and hopefully my body will remember how to do that again. I apologize to my real life friends because this is basically the same e-mail I sent out to earlier today.

I have to compliment my RE's office on the way they handled everything today. Everyone there was so amazing. My RE explained the situation to the ultrasound tech before I was called back so she was super sweet and sympathetic and asked me had my RE explained what we expected to fine. I said yes that I had a good idea. She did the ultrasound very quickly and then ushered me directly to a room (without having to go back to the waiting area). My RE came in and gave me a very big hug and just said how sorry he was. He spend a lot of time with me talking about everything and answered all my questions. He told me that he hoped I didn't blame myself for what had happened because a lot of women think if they would have only done this or that they wouldn't be having a miscarriage. I told him I knew I had done everything in my power to make this happen so no I don't blame myself. He also said that I needed to allow myself to go through the stages of grief. He said he knew I internalized a LOT (which is true) and he had seen more tears from me this past week than he had in the 3 years I've been seeing him. I really hate to cry in front of people and last week I got a tiny bit weepy when I was there but today there were real tears falling freely.

Thanks goes out to my mom who was with me today holding my hand through all of this. I know her heart is breaking just as much as mine and this isn't easy on her either. No parent wants to see their child hurting knowing there is nothing that they can do to ease the pain.

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and sweet thoughts. My heart is broken and I'm very sad and disappointed as you can imagine. Today has been a rough day and I'm sure Friday won't be any better.

26 comments:

  1. Peaches - I am so very sorry for your loss. You have been on my mind and will continue to be as you grieve. Loves and hugs to you.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I wish there were words that would make it easier or better. I will continue to pray for you. {{hugs}}

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself as best you can, and know that there are lots of us out here sending thoughts and prayers your way.

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  4. I'm so, so sorry. You are in my thoughts...

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  5. I'm very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

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  6. I am so so sorry for your loss.

    LFCA

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  7. I am so sorry. So very sorry. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family. Take care of you and yours, and know many of us are thinking of you in this very hard time.

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  9. I am sorry to read of your loss.

    LFCA

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  10. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you...

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  11. Oh no, I'm so sorry. It's just so unfair that we've been through so much already, and then to have it taken away... It's just tragic.

    My heat hurts for you. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

    lfca

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  12. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
    ~LFCA

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  13. Here from L&F. I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and hugs.

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  14. Also here from LFCA. I am terribly sorry to read this, my sympathies on your loss.

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  15. My heart goes out to you. Please do know that PGD testing can only look at a portion for the chromosomes...not all of them. I hope you get the answers you are looking for. I will pray for you.

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  16. I am so very sorry for your loss.
    ~from LFCA

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  17. I am so sorry. I am glad your mom was there with you. Sometimes as adults we need to be held by our moms.

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  18. I am so sorry for your loss. I accidentally stumbled upon your blog this morning when Googling something and I read the whole thing from the beginning. I just turned 40 last week and I'm TTC. I had a miscarriage back in December at 5 weeks. I will continue to follow your blog - your determination is amazing. God bless.

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  19. GAH!!! I am so sorry to hear about your loss, i had truely hoped that it was some mistake or something. may you feel the presence of God as you go through this loss, and may you be able to start anew sooner rather than later.

    ♥ ac

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  20. My heart goes out to you. You sound so strong and level-headed about this. Must be the strength you get from your faith and all the support from family and the community, at home and here in the blog-o-sphere.

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  21. Here from LFCA...SO sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your DH.

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  22. Oh, I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. My heart hurts. Sending you love and light.

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