Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.
Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.
Friday, April 23, 2010
After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.
After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.
I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.
My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.
This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.
On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.
Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.
To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.
I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The above pictures are the two embryos that we put back on Tuesday. Our original plan was to only put back the one CGH tested embryo. However after it was thawed out it did not look so good. You can see that it is starting to spread out, kind of like when you crack open an egg and the yolk breaks open and starts to ooze out. Both embryo's had already hatched from the zona pellucida which is a hard shell that forms to protect the embryo after fertilization. Once the embryo has hatched it should stay in a tight circle formation. As you can see my CHG embryo did not do that. I'm not sure of the exact cause of this but it is probably just the quality of the embryo due to my advanced maternal age. For those of you lucky enough to have babies the old fashion way and aren't up on the IVF lingo - CGH testing is genetic testing on all 23 chromosomes and PGD testing is only on 9 chromosomes. My clinic just recently gained access to the CGH labs. In fact, I was their first patient to have CGH.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.
I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.