Monday, April 26, 2010


I feel frozen right now. I just have no idea how to move forward. How do I give up my dream of having a baby and becoming a mother? After being on the awful IVF roller coaster for the past 3 1/2 years how do I get off? My RE suggested a 6th IVF cycle since I did get pregnant once just 4 short months ago and the only reason that didn't work out is the embryo was positive for Trisomy 22. My DH is against a 6th cycle. I was barely able to convince him to do a 5th cycle and I think after the 4th cycle I PROMISED him that was it. But of course that wasn't it. I begged him to do another cycle and promised that really was the last one. But then I got pregnant on a frozen cycle, had a miscarriage and then used the remaining frozen embryos and got my latest BFN. The issue for my DH isn't even money but the need to know when it is time to STOP. Also, my DH is really worried about the effect all the IVF's are going to have on my long term health. An executive at his hospital is suffering from stage 4 ovarian cancer. She has 2 year old twins via IVF and hopes to live to see them grow up. Some studies show a link between ovarian cancer and IVF treatments.

When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.

Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.


  1. i dont know.

    and im sorry you dont have the support to keep going. i understand the desire and i also understand that marriage sometimes has it's limitations and compromises.

    love to you...i'll be here no matter what.


  2. If you aren't already, I really recommend that you see a therapist or other professional who can help you answer these questions. These are such difficult questions - they can give you some great guidance.

    Many hugs.

  3. No answers for you but hugs regardless.

  4. God is always in Control and is still on the Throne. Don't forget that. God never closes one door without opening another. My heart aches for you, and know that you are loved very much. Many hugs.

  5. Your oldest sister posted the anonymous post, because I didn't know how to add my name. Love to you.

  6. I wish I had an answer for you, I truly do.

    Our tentative back-up plan, in the event that our cycles fail, is donor eggs. I don't know if that's an option you and your husband have ever discussed, but I strongly believe your uterus *can* carry a child. It may be that you need another round of Lupron to do it, but your prior pregnancy proves it's possible. Using a donor would mean no more stims for you and no further increase in cancer risk to worry your husband. In fact, I've heard that pregnancy can actually be protective of ovarian cancer.

    If I were in your shoes (and I very well may be in the not so distant future) that's what I would be telling my husband.

    Either way, I believe your sister is right. Somewhere in the universe another door has opened for you. It's just a matter of finding your way there.

  7. Your post resonates with me as I too wanted to give it one final try. I wish I could tell you how to move through this and move forward but I haven't found a way yet; I just trust that there is a way.

    I do however feel very strongly that you should do what I have failed to do so far and talk to your DH. Tell him how important this is to you and see if you and he can both get on the same page.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Why don't you come up for a visit? Take a long weekend and come and spend some time with us. I will let you get up with all of the children in the middle of the night :) You will get a surplus of hugs and kisses.

    Love you

  9. From LFCA - I have been following your story for a while and I want you to know that my heart breaks for you. Some things we will never understand.... but please know that you and dh are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you both come to a mutual decision. Hugs to you.

  10. My sister in law was in exactly the same place as you (same age when she met my wonderful brother). They tried so much it broke my heart to see it. And like you, too many false starts, and false dawns meant that gave up trying about 6 months ago. And guess what... a miracle. They just told me yesterday, that she is 8 weeks along. I'm crossing everything for them, and praying it will all work out. So maybe there are false starts... but there's no such thing as false hope. Keep the faith, and I hope everything works out for you.

  11. I know exactly how you feel with struggling what to do and where to do next. Maybe for me it was easier and I got there more quickly because financially I had no other choice.

    I will say that I do feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. Back in September of last year I was so lost and so sad and now I realize that I am the happiest and most content I have been in years.

    I hope you are able to find your peace and your path soon....