I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.
After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.
After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.
I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.
My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.
This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.