Friday, April 23, 2010


I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.

After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.

After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.

I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.

My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.

This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.


  1. There are no words. I am so very sorry to read this devastating news.

    Thinking of you and your DH.

  2. I am so sorry and sad for you. You are in my thoughts.

  3. You're right, it's just not fair. I'm so, so sorry. My heart is hurting for you.

    Wishing you both healing and peace.

  4. I came by from Lis's blog.
    I'm just so sorry for your news.

    I, too, have had five failed in vitro cycles, age 33-34. It is an awful, lonely club.

    Just sending you hugs from a fellow IFer.

  5. this SUCKS and i wish i could change it for you. do you read lastchanceivf? (
    im sure you and she would have a lot to discuss as you are both in the same place in your life right now.

    i wish i knew the words to help you feel better. im just so sorry for you and all your losses...especially this one


  6. i am so so sorry to hear what has happened.

    thinking of you.

    (here from lis's blog)

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  8. I am so sorry...I just found out that our 1st IVF didn't work either. It is heartbreaking!! Sending virtual hugs!!

  9. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes...and this is surely one of those times. Sending you lots of love.

  10. Peaches, I am so very sorry that this cycle was negative. No words really can convey it, but please know that there are many of us out here, thinking of you, supporting you.


  11. I'm sooooo very sorry. I know what it's like to reach the end of that road, something I'm currently blogging about.

    May you find peace in the journey ahead.

    Big hugs

  12. Here from LFCA. I am so very sorry for you and your husband. There are no words and this never gets any easier. I hope you are able to find a path that you can live with moving forward.
    Holding you in my thoughts....

  13. As someone who was once in similar shoes, standing at the end of that long, sad road of IF treatments, I understand. Sending you hugs as you start the journey down a different road than you had planned for.

    And I hope Saturday's dinner was a lot nicer for you!

  14. I have been following you on this cycle and I was so hoping that you would have a positive result. Peace will come to you - you will find it. I know it.

  15. I am so sorry and heartbroken with you :(

    (here from LFCA)