Goal Setting

It is that time of year again at work. We have to set goals for the year (ok we are a little behind here). I was trying to think of some creative goals to set for myself that my boss would approve. It isn't easy because I'm an accountant and lets face it not much changes in this role. The other thing that makes it difficult is my #1 goal is to have a baby and quit work. Hmm, I wonder what my boss would think of that goal. Somehow I don't think that one would go over too well. I wonder how I will react if I'm unable to obtain that goal. I have so much hope pinned on Friday's beta. I just don't know how I can suddenly change my life goals and live childfree. I know my DH can do it, but can I? If it comes down to that then I will just have to live in the moment and take life one day at a time.

Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.

I've been lassoed

The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.

Anointed

“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven” (James 5:14-15, NKJV).

My sister asked one of the elders of her church to come over to and pray for me on Sunday while I was visiting at my dad’s house. The elder asked me to explain what was going on with the baby and then read some words of scripture (Joshua 10:12-13). He also said that I had to be careful and not make the want of a baby an idol above God. My family then gathered around me and everyone placed a hand on me and he read James 5:14-15 and rubbed some oil on my forehead and prayed for the baby. He explained that the oil was just baby oil and that it wasn’t any type of magical oil. It was just symbolic. I know this must really sound strange and I was very nervous when my sister mentioned it to me. My family is Baptist, but once I became an adult and started to attend church on my own I’ve attended nondenominational churches. I think this was a nice thing that my sister did and it has given me some peace of mind. I keep reminding myself that God is in charge and whatever the outcome on Wednesday I have to remember that God has a reason for everything even if we don’t understand what that is. I have a lot of people praying for me and my pray is for God to let the baby be ok and if not to grant me peace and acceptance.

Enlarged Yolk Sac

I was feeling a bit stressed about my last visit and the baby measuring behind a week so I called for an appointment this week. The baby has grown but is still behind. He is measuring 7 weeks 1 day and I was 8 weeks 4 days when the scan was taken. I did hear the heart beat which is so amazing but then I got some bad news. The yolk sac is measuring 9.2 mm and it should be disappearing and becoming the umbilical cord. This is an indication that something might be abnormal with the baby and I could suffer a miscarriage.

I found this on-line: The yolk sac first appears during the fifth week of pregnancy and grows to be no larger than 6 mm. Yolk sacs larger than 6 mm are usually indicative of an abnormal pregnancy.

I'm trying to stay strong and positive but it is really hard right now. I know that God is in control but I just can't understand why he would bring me so far in my quest to have a baby only to snatch it away. I go back on Wednesday Jan 20th for another ultrasound. I will keep everyone up to date.

Snow in Georgia

We got a rare 1/2 inch of snow in Atlanta on Friday. Of course the city shut down because we aren't equipped to deal with snow. All the schools closed and lots of people couldn't make the drive to work. I live close enough that I knew I would be able to make the 6 mile drive in. Most of my staff was late but at least they made it work safely. The picture is from my front porch, isn't it pretty.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today. I will post a picture later but my husband left for the gym before I was up and showered. I have been so exhausted this week. I can barely function in the afternoons at work and of course I'm slammed with closing the books for the end of the year and trying to get ready for the auditors. I even had to work yesterday and I really needed to stay home and rest. I still haven't gained any weight which is my goal. If I can make it 12 weeks without gaining anything I will be thrilled.

I was so tired when I posted about my doctor visit on Wednesday that I left off several things. My doctor is thrilled that I am finally pregnant. Of course he told me that I'm not really out of the woods yet and we needed to hit 12 weeks to get past the danger zone. I have 4 weeks left. I woke up at 5am in a bit of a panic thinking about this. My next ultrasound isn't until Jan. 20th. I'm debating calling and seeing if I can get one this week. I want this so badly and I'm trying so hard to keep the fear away but it is really difficult. My RE did tell me I could reduce my estrogen and progesterone medicines. He also said I could exercise but not to get my heart rate over 140 bpm. I have a treadmill and an elliptical at home plus I bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Hopefully soon I'll have a little bit of spare energy to actually do something. He also said I could continue acupuncture. He said he didn't know what value it really offered after you were pregnant but it was my decision. My acupuncturist wants me to come until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I had an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to the snow and ice. I love acupuncture and I find it very relaxing so I plan to continue going over the next 4 weeks.

I'm off to shower and get ready for church. I will post my belly picture later today or tomorrow.

Angry Cervix

My cervix has not been cooperating since before getting pregnant so I don't know why I would expect it to suddenly start behaving. It has become irritated from the progesterone suppositories and I started spotting yesterday. I was a bit freaked out and placed a call to the emergency nurse (the office has been closing early during the holiday season). She confirmed my suspicion that it was just an irritated cervix. I just want to have a smooth pregnancy and I really think I deserve that after everything I've been through to get here.

On a happier note, I had my 5th Beta today and it was 20,453. When I spoke to the nurse this morning she said it would probably rise to 10,000 or 12,000. I thought that seemed low since my last one 8 days ago was 5,083. She said everything looked great and my next appointment will be the ultrasound. I cannot wait!

Sew Busy & The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Sew Busy

I have been busy this year cross stitching baby gifts for all the people that I know who have been or are about to have a baby. The attached picture is going to be my niece Olivia's Christmas present. It took me about 5 months to stitch this design but I think it was time well spent.

The Dreaded Two Week Wait (actually mine is 10 days)

I can honestly say that this past week has been the longest week of my life. I feel like I'm just sitting and waiting! I have none of my normal distractions and I'm completely distracted and work and can barely concentrate. I'm trying to put off the more difficult stuff (if it can wait) until next week. I can't exercise and I'm not shopping much because hopefully I will be pregnant and won't need new (non-maternity) clothes for a while. I finished 90% of my Christmas shopping prior to the transfer and I wrapped and mailed all my gifts this week. I'm hovering between hopeful and doubtful. I'm excited and scared. I'm looking forward to Monday but I'm dreading it at the same time. I've spent every spare moment praying and begging God to let this be my turn to get pregnant. I'm meditating at night with an IVF CD that helps me visualize the embryo implanting and it provides me with positive affirmation that I've done everything I can possibly do to make this a success. I want this more than anything else right now. We have so much love to give our child and we are ready to give that love.