Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm Broken

My heart is broken, my spirit is broken and my faith is broken.

And let's not forget my body is broken.

I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.

The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.

I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.


  1. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I am in a very similar place and it is so very hard. I don't know how to find my way back either - I guess we just have to keep holding on to the belief that we will find ourselves again.
    Thinking of you.

  2. i feel your pain coming through your words. im so sorry and i wish things could be different. i wish i could change things for you, either with your body or with your husband. i haven't been in your exact position, but i have been at my lowest low and come to a place of not-quite-acceptance, but much better than where i was.
    sorry if im rambling...

  3. I'm so sorry you've got deal with this last appointment - I hope it gives you closure and that you find a good therapist to help you peel back the layers.

  4. I understand. I too often feel broken and a failure. I too get tired of the mask that I wear. Grief sucks the life and spirit out of you. Be patient and gentle with yourself. I hope the therapy will help, I hope you have a better go than I did with it. take care, nancy

  5. I get it...all of it. I just wrote a similar post and deleted it because I don't know for sure if this cylce is a BFN or not. But everything you said is something I have felt. It hurts so bad and I am so sorry you are having to experience it.

    Big hugs...

  6. I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally agree with you on the putting on a face and going about your day. I finally came out at work about IF and they were shocked and surprised. I guess I am a better actress than I thought! Thinking of you. You are strong and WILL get through this, it just may take some time.