My heart is broken, my spirit is broken and my faith is broken.
And let's not forget my body is broken.
I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.
The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.
I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.