When you think about it there are a lot of different types of therapy. Over the past two weeks I've had experienced two types. The first one was a trip to San Francisco with my two single girlfriends. We shopped in China town, ate in Little Italy, walked through the Redwood forest, drove to Napa, tasted wine for 2 days straight and then went back to San Fran to visit Alca.traz and walk on the famous Pier. We ate, drank and laughed a LOT and this did my soul good. I rarely thought about not being able to have a child and was able to just enjoy my mini-vacation.
The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.
Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.
I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.