Thursday, June 17, 2010

Final Appointment

I had my final follow up appointment with my RE on Friday. The first question he asked me "how are you doing? Really doing?" brought me to tears. I said not too good but I was trying to deal with it the best way I could. I told him we were done with medical intervention and he totally understands. He said that his top suggestion would be for us to do another cycle with donor eggs. He feels he can help me over come the uterine issues. His second recommendation would be for us to do a fresh IVF with CGH testing (same exact cycle we did with IVF#5). The last recommendation is we could go ahead and put back 2 crummy frozen embryos I have in storage. I asked what percentage did I have with those and he said honestly about 20%. The embryo's were PGD tested and tested normal but the were not developing (expanding) properly prior to be frozen. Each one was around 10 cells on day 5 when they should have been at least 100 cells. I have a feeling these would expire once we thawed them out. Still considering what to do with those 2.

It was a nice chat with my RE. He told me he would never retire my file and he would never give up hope on me. He got misty eyed and had to wipe away the tear that threatened to fall as he told me how sorry he was that I miscarried in January and then didn't get pregnant in April (after so many prior failures). He really likes me and my DH and I think he can relate to us. He married his current wife later in life and it took them 5 IVF's to deliver a baby. It was very sad to wrap up the meeting because I've been seeing my RE for 3 1/2 years and he seems like an old friend. He made sure I still had his cell phone number and told me to please call him if I or DH had any questions about anything. Then we hugged and I went to my car and cried.

That night I laid in bed and wept as my DH held me. I just kept telling him this is so hard and I don't understand why it is happening to me. I just can't bare the pain I feel ALL THE TIME. It never leaves me. I can put on my happy mask and fake it at times but it is still there robbing me of a joyous life.

I'm headed to San Francisco tomorrow with 2 of my girlfriends. My friend WW is flying from Hawaii to meet us and my friend Diva is traveling with me. Both girls are single and childfree so it will be nice to be with people who aren't in the same place as me right now. I need a single, carefree weekend in the wine valley with my girls. I hope I can stow away my mask and truly enjoy myself this next 4 days.


  1. Your RE sounds like a wonderful and caring person. I so hope that in time, you will be able to shed the mask and begin finding some joy. I am so sorry for all you have gone through, it isn't fair. You are a strong strong person and will get through this.

    Enjoy the weekend with the girls, it sounds like a great time!

  2. I'm glad you have such a caring doctor. I wish it was enough to fix everything for you.
    Having failed five IVFs age 33-34 I know how awful it feels...and I'm sorry you're in the midst of that agonizing pain. Without wanting to sound like I'm giving assvice, it does get better with time. But I know that doesn't help a bit right now.

  3. Ugh... I'm so sorry you've had to go through this - I can't imagine your pain.

  4. I am so sorry for your pain. I hope you do manage to have a wonderful time away.

    Thinking of you.

  5. I am so sorry to hear how much this hurts you. I wish for you to feel peach and contentment.