Monday, May 3, 2010

GYN Meltdown

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!


  1. oh peaches, i wish this could be different for you. i have to thank you for being able to support me as i embark on my new journey. i don't know if id be able to do that for someone else. after enduring such heartbreak--that speaks to your character and shows me what a sweet person you are. im hoping that you guys will come to a conclusion that you will both feel good about.
    thinking of you and sending you peace.


  2. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this today. I keep thinking about you and your situation. {hugs}

  3. Arrrrrrgh I HATE the way people immediately bring adoption up whenever Infertility comes into any conversation. People really do trot it out like it's the solution to ALL and ANY problem to do with Infertility.

    I swear the next war that breaks out, someone is going to say "hey why don't you all just adopt" and then the war will be sometimes feels like adoption is talked about as the be all and end all solution to ANY problem.

    I get the "thought of never being a mother is also unbearable", 11 years after first ttc and after giving up countless times before, my heart and soul are still NOT comfortable with that term childless, nor never becoming a mother.

    And I have to may "appear" that the past 3.5 years has yielded nothing tangible but let me assure you, if after everything you've been through together, you're still TOGETHER then you've achieved an awful lot. You're alot stronger than alot of couples who can't take the pressure that Infertility brings. You would have grown together and become closer and ended up with a much stronge marriage because of your desire and drive to become a parent.

    That alone is something to be very proud of.


  4. So sorry to hear about this very tough day. So many well-meaning people with so many never ends. Thinking about you and hoping your days get easier.

  5. Rach above has already beautifully written what was in my mind as I read your post. So all I will do is send love and warm thoughts across the ocean to you.

  6. I'm sorry to hear that you had a tough appointment - my heart aches for you as you are once again faced with walking away from TTC. I also agree with Rach - you are so much stronger than you were 4 years ago. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts...