GYN Meltdown

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!