The Worst was yet to come

It has been ages since I've posted mainly because nothing much has been going on. I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment on Friday and my HGC level has dropped to 48. I'm glad that it has dropped down quickly but I wish it was down to zero. I have to do another blood draw this Friday to check it again. I guess I will continue to repeat until it is back to zero. We are still waiting on the D&C tissue testing to find out what went wrong. The results should be back in 1 or 2 weeks from now. I discussed with Dr. T when we can try again and he said I can start the Lupron shots on day 21 of my next cycle. I'm patiently waiting on my period to start and then I will begin my count down to day 21. Based on my calculations the next transfer will be around April 1st.

To back up a week - last Friday (1 week after the D&C) was one of the worst days of my life (physically). I started cramping, bleeding and passing clots around 4am. I got up at 6am and took a Percocet so I could make it to work. It was the last working day of the month and I had some things that HAD to be done. I called my Dr and he actually called me back himself. He said the belated bleeding was common and not to worry unless the bleeding was out of control. I started to feel a bit better so I made it in to work but people knew something was wrong with me because I could barely walk upright. I stayed in my office as much as possible and accomplished several tasks through my Percocet haze. I was forced to take a 2nd Percocet around noon (big mistake) and at 2pm I was had completed the most pressing tasks and I came home. I had the beginnings of a migraine (thanks to the Percocet) and the cramping was really picking up. I immediately went to bed with my heating pad only to be woken up around 5pm feeling like I was dying. My head felt like it was going to explode and my uterus felt like it was about to fall out. I'm lucky that my DH is a doctor so I had someone to assure me that I wasn't going to die and that I didn't need to go to the ER. I was so naive. I thought that the D&C would help me to avoid most of the miscarriage side effects. I stayed in bed the remainder of Friday and the next day everything was fine and all bleeding had stopped. Just like nothing had ever happened.

This past week I've been in a real funk. I'm sad, depressed, and angry. I know these are normal feelings and that I have to give myself time to grieve. I'm just really tired of being on the infertility roller coaster. There is nothing fun about this and after 3+ years of trying I'm worn out. I hate the fact that I can't "try" again until almost April. That seems so far away. I want instant gratification. I'm tired of being patient and thinking positive. Losing my first pregnancy ever has drained me and a little piece of my heart died with the baby. The question I keep asking myself is when will it be my turn and will it ever be my turn?