Types of Therapy

When you think about it there are a lot of different types of therapy. Over the past two weeks I've had experienced two types. The first one was a trip to San Francisco with my two single girlfriends. We shopped in China town, ate in Little Italy, walked through the Redwood forest, drove to Napa, tasted wine for 2 days straight and then went back to San Fran to visit Alca.traz and walk on the famous Pier. We ate, drank and laughed a LOT and this did my soul good. I rarely thought about not being able to have a child and was able to just enjoy my mini-vacation.

The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.

Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.

I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.

Final Appointment

I had my final follow up appointment with my RE on Friday. The first question he asked me "how are you doing? Really doing?" brought me to tears. I said not too good but I was trying to deal with it the best way I could. I told him we were done with medical intervention and he totally understands. He said that his top suggestion would be for us to do another cycle with donor eggs. He feels he can help me over come the uterine issues. His second recommendation would be for us to do a fresh IVF with CGH testing (same exact cycle we did with IVF#5). The last recommendation is we could go ahead and put back 2 crummy frozen embryos I have in storage. I asked what percentage did I have with those and he said honestly about 20%. The embryo's were PGD tested and tested normal but the were not developing (expanding) properly prior to be frozen. Each one was around 10 cells on day 5 when they should have been at least 100 cells. I have a feeling these would expire once we thawed them out. Still considering what to do with those 2.

It was a nice chat with my RE. He told me he would never retire my file and he would never give up hope on me. He got misty eyed and had to wipe away the tear that threatened to fall as he told me how sorry he was that I miscarried in January and then didn't get pregnant in April (after so many prior failures). He really likes me and my DH and I think he can relate to us. He married his current wife later in life and it took them 5 IVF's to deliver a baby. It was very sad to wrap up the meeting because I've been seeing my RE for 3 1/2 years and he seems like an old friend. He made sure I still had his cell phone number and told me to please call him if I or DH had any questions about anything. Then we hugged and I went to my car and cried.

That night I laid in bed and wept as my DH held me. I just kept telling him this is so hard and I don't understand why it is happening to me. I just can't bare the pain I feel ALL THE TIME. It never leaves me. I can put on my happy mask and fake it at times but it is still there robbing me of a joyous life.

I'm headed to San Francisco tomorrow with 2 of my girlfriends. My friend WW is flying from Hawaii to meet us and my friend Diva is traveling with me. Both girls are single and childfree so it will be nice to be with people who aren't in the same place as me right now. I need a single, carefree weekend in the wine valley with my girls. I hope I can stow away my mask and truly enjoy myself this next 4 days.

I'm Broken

My heart is broken, my spirit is broken and my faith is broken.

And let's not forget my body is broken.

I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.

The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.

I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.

Childfree Living

I’ve been living childfree for the past 42 years so you would think I would be a pro at it by now and I was. That is until I actually decided my life would not be complete without a child. Now I don’t know how to move forward but I really am trying. I signed up for a boot camp that starts June 1 and is 4 nights a week. I somehow managed to talk Sunshine and S into signing up also. I hope we will still be friends when the course is complete. I’m trying to lose the 10 lbs of “no” baby weight I’ve gained over the past 18 months. I’ve also planned a trip to Napa, California in mid June with 2 of my girlfriends. We are planning to send 2 days in San Francisco and 2 days in the Napa/Sonoma area. We have rented a convertible and plan to really enjoy ourselves. This use to be my life – working out, running, trips with my girlfriends – I was a free spirit. Somehow this lifestyle which was so much fun seems hard now. I should be 5 months pregnant right now and planning a nursery not working out and going on a girl’s trip. I wonder when my old life will feel comfortable again???

Gratefulness Blog

My sister posted a comment that basically said I should start a gratefulness journal and that bitterness, resentment and gratefulness could not all reside together. I am here to tell you that they have all become very cozy neighbors. Since my last post was such a downer this will be an uplifting post of things that I am grateful for.

I’m grateful for:

• My very supportive husband. He has been amazing through this process and even though I’ve been upset with him for wanting to discontinue IVF I do understand his reasons
• My parents and family. They offered me so much support and prayers throughout this entire ordeal. They wanted this for me just as much as I wanted it. My mother always rearranged her schedule and took me to almost every retrieval and transfer. She stood with me and my DH the first time we heard the baby’s heart beat and she was with me when there was no heart beat.
• My amazing group of friends who offered words of encouragement and hugs when I needed them most. No one could ask for a better group of friends.
• The strangers who prayed for me to become pregnant and prayed that I would find peace when I was no longer pregnant
• My 2 darling little kitties that could put a smile on my face when no one else could.
• God who has provided me with so many good things in my life. I hope that one day he will provide me with the peace to move forward

There really are so many things that I’m grateful for and I do give thanks to God for everything he has provided for me. I’ve read blogs about girls going through infertility that lose friends and become estranged from their families or their husbands leave them for more fertile women. I’ve read blogs about girls having miscarriages at 20 weeks or having to discontinue IVF because they are in debt and near bankruptcy from spending so much money on IVF. None of these things have happened to me and I’m grateful for that. I always tell myself that it could be worse.

Mother's Day

I think this must be one of the hardest holidays for anyone suffering from infertility. All the TV commercials showing precious little children with their mommies just reminds all us infertiles what we are missing out on. Trust me we all know exactly what we are missing in our lives. I’m still hiding from my reality that I will:

Never be pregnant and give birth to a baby

Never nurse a tiny baby

Never see my baby smile or laugh for the first time

Never look into my babies face and see a bit of myself or my husband

Never rock my baby to sleep

Never hear the word “mommy” or even “I love you mommy”

Never see my mother holding or playing with my baby

Never get to pass down the wonderful example that my mother has been to me

The list goes on and on. My reality sucks and I’m having a hard time accepting it. As long as I stay focused on other things I’m able to breathe and find a tiny bit of peace, but when I really think about what I’ll never have I can feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces.

GYN Meltdown

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!

Comments

I wanted to reply to some of the comments and I want to thank everyone who did comment. The support I've received has been amazing and I've found some lovely new blogs that I plan to follow. When I read what some girls have been through I'm filled with hope that I can make it through this tough time in my life.

I want to preface this post by saying that I think it is great that there are so many alternative family building methods (not really the right word) available. I do not want anyone to think that I disapprove of any of them. We are just not open to donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption at this time in our lives. I have been following Jenicini through her journey using her best friends eggs. I am in awe of both of these women and I'm thrilled that Jenicini was finally able to get pregnant. Of all the options available I think this would be the only one (at this time) that I might be open to but DH is not willing to go down this path. As for adoption, neither of us is open to this option. I am currently reading several blogs about couples going down this path and it is shocking how hard adoption is in the US. So many people just say "why don't you adopt" and they have no idea what is really involved. It's not like buying a puppy. You can't go on Craigs.list and find one (not legally anyway).

My brother called me this week to tell me how sorry he was about our failed IVF and then said had we considered adoption and I said no. He then proceeded to tell me that knowing what he knows now (he has a 10 month old baby) that he would do anything it took to have a family. Of course this upset me greatly and I said is this supposed to make me feel better?? He really only wanted to convey how great it is to have a child and while I understand that, there are certain limits to how far we are planning to go to create a family. I know he felt really bad about the conversation because he sent me an e-mail the next day to apologize. My conversation with him has just put me in a tailspin because it just reiterates how much I do want a baby. I'm still having a hard time reconciling the fact that we are done. It is causing tension in my marriage and that is never a good thing.

Someone mentioned therapy. My DH also mentioned this to me. I'm not against therapy and I actually did see a counselor with my ex and after my divorce. It was great and really helped me to put everything into perspective. However, when my DH mentioned therapy I just said that there is nothing anyone can say to help me come to terms with this situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready for therapy yet or not. Maybe when my feelings aren't so raw.

To my older sister: I know that when God closes one door he opens another. I now wonder if that is just something people say to make themselves feel better. Maybe not, but I have a feeling I will be staring so hard at that closed door that I may never see a new one open. I don't know God's plan for my life and my faith has been shaken by this experience. I hope one day his plan is revealed but sometimes life isn't far and we just have to accept that.

Frozen

I feel frozen right now. I just have no idea how to move forward. How do I give up my dream of having a baby and becoming a mother? After being on the awful IVF roller coaster for the past 3 1/2 years how do I get off? My RE suggested a 6th IVF cycle since I did get pregnant once just 4 short months ago and the only reason that didn't work out is the embryo was positive for Trisomy 22. My DH is against a 6th cycle. I was barely able to convince him to do a 5th cycle and I think after the 4th cycle I PROMISED him that was it. But of course that wasn't it. I begged him to do another cycle and promised that really was the last one. But then I got pregnant on a frozen cycle, had a miscarriage and then used the remaining frozen embryos and got my latest BFN. The issue for my DH isn't even money but the need to know when it is time to STOP. Also, my DH is really worried about the effect all the IVF's are going to have on my long term health. An executive at his hospital is suffering from stage 4 ovarian cancer. She has 2 year old twins via IVF and hopes to live to see them grow up. Some studies show a link between ovarian cancer and IVF treatments.

When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.

Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.

NOT PREGNANT

I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.



After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.



After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.



I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.

My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.


This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.

My Anniversary

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He has put up with so much over the last 3 years while we have been trying to conceive. I cannot even begin to imagine going through this with just anyone. It has really taken its toll on me but he has stood by me through all the tears, depression and sorrow and loved me in spite of it all. I think I am very fortunate that this hasn't torn apart our marriage like it has so many others. At least God has blessed me in the marriage department. I'll find out tomorrow if he has blessed me in the baby department.

Goal Setting

It is that time of year again at work. We have to set goals for the year (ok we are a little behind here). I was trying to think of some creative goals to set for myself that my boss would approve. It isn't easy because I'm an accountant and lets face it not much changes in this role. The other thing that makes it difficult is my #1 goal is to have a baby and quit work. Hmm, I wonder what my boss would think of that goal. Somehow I don't think that one would go over too well. I wonder how I will react if I'm unable to obtain that goal. I have so much hope pinned on Friday's beta. I just don't know how I can suddenly change my life goals and live childfree. I know my DH can do it, but can I? If it comes down to that then I will just have to live in the moment and take life one day at a time.

Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.

Weekend Distractions

I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.

On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.

Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3^rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.

To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.

I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.

In the Beginning

The above pictures are the two embryos that we put back on Tuesday. Our original plan was to only put back the one CGH tested embryo. However after it was thawed out it did not look so good. You can see that it is starting to spread out, kind of like when you crack open an egg and the yolk breaks open and starts to ooze out. Both embryo's had already hatched from the zona pellucida which is a hard shell that forms to protect the embryo after fertilization. Once the embryo has hatched it should stay in a tight circle formation. As you can see my CHG embryo did not do that. I'm not sure of the exact cause of this but it is probably just the quality of the embryo due to my advanced maternal age. For those of you lucky enough to have babies the old fashion way and aren't up on the IVF lingo - CGH testing is genetic testing on all 23 chromosomes and PGD testing is only on 9 chromosomes. My clinic just recently gained access to the CGH labs. In fact, I was their first patient to have CGH.

I took 3 days off work to just lie on the couch and relax. I want to give these embryos the best possible chance for implantation. I also want to say thanks to everyone for the outpouring of prayers. It means so much to me to know so many people are praying and want this dream to come true.

Day of Drama

The last 24 hours have been full of stress and drama. Yesterday morning after I got out of the shower I discovered that my stitch was no longer visible. I was worried that I had somehow pulled it out so I looked around, then unscrewed the drain cap and looked and lastly I checked my loofah scrubby and still no stitch. I did however have some mild cervical cramping but thought that might be the progesterone. My mom drove up last night to cook dinner and drive me around today. We went for a nice walk and then came home to shower. She went first and walked out of the bathroom holding a cobalt blue string and said "is this what you were looking for?" My heart sank because I HAD lost the stitch. I somehow pulled it out (It was still tied in a knot) and I guess it caught on my towel and when I flipped the towel over the shower curtain it feel back into the tub. I knew there was nothing that could be done about it. The cervical stitch was put in to help assist my RE getting the catheter in place. I decided I would just call my RE when the office opened Tuesday morning.

I called the RE office this morning and was informed that my doctors wife had fallen and might have a cracked rib and my RE was out to take her to the doctor so someone else might have to do my transfer. I felt like crying because I really trust him and without the stitch I knew my transfer was going to be more difficult than a normal transfer. I asked the nurse if I could just push back the transfer and wait on him. She said she would have to let me know. Later I got a call directly from my RE on his cell phone and I'm thinking no big deal he is just calling about the transfer but he was calling to let me know that the quality of my CGH tested embryo didn't look great and the head lab doctor was recommending thawing out my PGD tested embryo and putting back both. My DH has been very against inputting 2 embryos so I told my RE I would have to call my DH first. DH agreed to putting back both and my RE said he would be there to do the transfer.

I'm happy to report the transfer went smoothly. This was probably the easiest one I've done. I went for acupuncture after the transfer and now I'm home relaxing. My beta is on April 23! For now I'm PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise and praying like crazy.

Transfer Time

Just a quick post to let everyone know that my transfer is tomorrow at 11:30. Wish me luck and pray, pray, pray!

Happy Post

A couple of my IRL friends have mentioned how down I've sounded in my last few posts. This will not be one of those posts. Today is a gorgeous day in Atlanta. The weather is warm and the sun is shining. I met my friend S for brunch and I just got back from my weekly acupuncture session so I'm nice and relaxed. The acupuncturist wants me to do some moving meditation and sitting meditation between now and Tuesday. She had to show me how to do both but it is basically just deep breathing.

My DH repainted our boring dining room last weekend and it looks gorgeous. Before it was just tan/taupe but now it is Blue Lagoon above the chair railing and Luxurious linen below. We haven't moved the furniture back yet because he still needs to repaint he trim.

I plan to go shopping tomorrow for my friend Sunshine's upcoming birthday. I love shopping even when it is for someone else. I do have to admit that it is never 100% for someone else because I always see something that I can't live without.

Everything is going well with my shots, pills and suppositories. Only a few days to go until the BIG day. Cheers!

I've been lassoed

The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.

WAZ UP?

I heard someone say WAZ UP on the radio on this morning and it made me laugh. I haven’t heard that in ages. Things are starting to move along with my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer). I started my period late Sunday evening so I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule my sonohystergram. The nurse scheduled it for Wednesday which I thought was a bit early because I knew I would not be done with my period by then. She said it would be fine. WRONG. I get to the appointment and tell the tech it is cycle day 3 and she said she didn’t think I would be able to have the procedure. UGH! She did the initial exam (wand in the hoo ha to look around) and then went to get the physician’s assistant. The P.A. and nurse came back and said sorry you are still bleeding so we need to push the procedure to Friday. I went back today and the procedure went well. The P.A. was actually able to get the catheter through my cervix without dilating me. I’m glad to have that behind me. I go back April 6^th for my lining check and then later that week for them to put in the dreaded cervical stitch. My transfer is scheduled for April 13^th. We are only planning to put back the one frozen CGH tested embryo.

Yesterday was my DH’s 45^th birthday. Before he got up that morning I said “Happy Birthday” and he said don’t remind me. Since we are planning a nice dinner out on Saturday I just stopped by his favorite pizza place (that doesn’t deliver) and surprised him with a pizza. He was thrilled when he got home and the yummy pizza was waiting for him. He went to get his hair cut after work and I heard him tell his mom on the phone that he got the gray cut out. HA! He has nice white temples and is salt & pepper everywhere else. Right now he is still more pepper than salt. I on the other hand NEVER intend to go gray. That is what I pay my hairdresser buckets of money for.

I went to the movies last night and saw A.lice in Wonder.land in 3D. I highly recommend this movie. It was really good and my friend S and I had fun dodging things in 3D. Tonight my DH & I went to a nice dinner to celebrate his dinner. I was sad to have to skip the cocktails. There is nothing better than a nice glass of wine with a nice meal. However, once I start my fertility meds I stop drinking alcohol and caffeine. At least my DH was able to have a couple of glasses and had a DD to get him home. Cheers!

Weird Week

Last week was a weird week. On Tuesday I got a call from my ex-sister in-law that my ex-mother-in-law had passed away after a 3 year illness. I’ve been divorced for 16 years but she said that my ex husband had asked her to call me and let me know. She invited me to the viewing that night. The phone call seemed surreal and the reason my ex didn’t call was because his 2^nd wife doesn’t approve of him being friends with me. I would only talk to him a few times a year but for some odd reason she was jealous that we maintained contact. For those of you that don’t know me IRL (in real life) I meet my ex husband when I was 15 years old at a teen “nightclub”. I know how cheesy this sounds now. We lived about an hour apart but started dating and continued to date the last 3 years of high school and then the 4 years I was away at college. We were married about 5 months after I graduated from college and after dating 7 years we were only married 4 years. Looking back I think we only got married because after dating so long it was “the thing to do”. We parted ways amicably and for a few years I maintained contact with his mother but as time moved forward we lost touch. I have to say that going to the funeral home and seeing his entire family and his best friend was so strange. I had not seen his father, step father and one sister since our divorce. I had not seen my ex husband in about 10 years. In some ways I felt like I was stepping back in time. I have 11 years of memories with his family yet so much has changed with them over the past 16 years. I also got to meet the new Mrs which was interesting. She was cordial to me but it was almost funny to see her standing close and guarding “her man”. As if I have any interest in snagging him up for a 2^nd round. I am sorry that the world has lost a wonderful woman and mother.

On a much happier note, I started my Lupron injections on Thursday. It is funny that taking a daily injection in the stomach can cause so much happiness. I do have to admit that for the first 2 days I was quite irritable. I told my acupuncturist this on Saturday so she made some adjustments that have hopefully improved my mood. I know my DH hopes it is improved.

I went Saturday to see the movie Re.mem.ber Me, if you haven’t seen this movie I would suggest you take some Kleenex. I was glad the theater was at the mall because I needed some serious retail therapy to lift my mood (and a glass of wine with dinner).

THIS WEEK

I had my endometrial biopsy/scratch test this morning. It went well and I’m so glad to have that behind me. I think every single one is worse than the one before (with the exception of the time they dropped the biopsy and had to repeat the process). I found out that my RE wants to do a sonohysterogram which is an ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy. I have to wait for my period to start and then wait until all bleeding is done before I can have this done. I will remain on the Lupron shots but won’t be able to begin the Estrace until I have this procedure. This will probably delay my transfer 5 days but my RE wants to do everything possible to ensure I get pregnant again.

I am planning to enjoy the increase in daylight this week and actually get some exercise outdoors. I apologize for slacking off on the blog lately but there really hasn’t been much of interest going on. As things move forward I’ll have more to blog about.

Ingenious Plan

I apologize for being M.I.A. lately but after we got home from the ski trip I was slammed at work and all I've had the energy for was to read other people's blogs.

My period never started. My RE said it should start about 4 weeks after the D&C. About 25 days after the D&C I started spotting but I never got anything even remotely close to full flow. I began to wonder if the spotting was all there was going to be since I bled so heavily a week after the D&C. I was devastated at the thought of losing another month so I came up with an ingenious plan. I sent "the ingenious plan" to my nurse to ask my RE. The plan was to POAS on ovulation sticks and after I got a positive I would consider that cycle day 14 and start the Lupron shots 7 days later. My RE agreed to my plan. The first day I POAS I got a positive ovulation stick and the next day I got a darker stick, the third day it was stark white so I now had a "cycle day 14". I can't believe I almost missed it. I start my Lupron shots on Thursday and after 10-14 days I should "bleed" and then I will start the Estrace followed up with Progesterone suppositories. I forgot to mention that between day 24 - 26 (March 21-23) my RE wants to do an endometrial biopsy (scratch test). The main purpose of this is to irritate the uterine lining because studies have shown that this increases blood flow to the uterus and can aid in implantation. Of all the things I've had done in the past this is one of the most painful. That being said at this point I will do almost anything to get pregnant.

Aimee - if you are still reading my blog and would like to discuss the enlarged yolk sack in more detail please leave your e-mail in the comments section or leave a note and I can provide you with my e-mail address. I hope things turned out well for you. I had a lot of problems finding much information on the internet regarding this issue.

Black Cloud Continues to Linger

This black cloud will not go away. I have been suffering from altitude sickness since we got here. We arrived on Sunday and after checking into the hotel we went to the grocery store. When we got back I had a killer headache so my DH told me to lay down for a while and then we would go to dinner. This was at 5:45. I never did get up because my headache would not go away. Poor DH ate trail mix and Oreos for dinner. I woke up feeling better on Monday and we went skiing and had a great day. I had a slight headache but not too bad. We went skiing again yesterday and the conditions were perfect. The picture is of me yesterday and as you can see the sun is shining and it wasn't too cold (around 18-20 degrees). I scheduled a massage yesterday afternoon and I think it unleashed some major toxins. After the massage I felt so nauseous. I got ready for dinner and DH & I went to a yummy Mexican restaurant across from our hotel. We ordered dinner and some made at your table guacamole which is my favorite. By the time it arrived I felt horrible and could not eat. We had to have our dinner (which had not even arrived yet) boxed up to go and I had to come back and get into bed (at 7:45). Poor DH had to eat his dinner in the room. The nausea lasted until around 2am and then a headache replaced it. DH is out skiing this morning while I try to shake off the remains of my headache. Our waitress last night told us about an Oxygen bar near our hotel so I might go check it out later. It is supposed to be good for altitude sickness. I hope to be able to go out and join DH skiing later today.

Also, my period still hasn't started. I'm worried that the minor spotting I experienced last week might have been it or maybe my HGC has to return to zero before it will start. It has been 4 1/2 weeks since the D&C. This is so frustrating because this just delays my next transfer.

Hopefully my next post will be a bit more uplifting.

Nemo on the attack

My cat sitter S has a little poodle named Pip. Both of them are staying at my house this week. Pip spends his time ignoring the kitties. Roxie (my black and white kitty) is very friendly to everyone but Nemo is a shy big kitty. Nemo will just sit and watch Pip for hours at a time. When S first arrived at my house she feed the kitties and the first mistake Pip made was he tried to eat Nemo's dinner. Nemo LOVES his dinner. I guess Nemo decided he needed to show Pip who was boss. Watch the video and if you have any problems I posted it on You Tube.

Just in case you were wondering Pip was not harmed because Nemo is declawed.

I'll post about our trip tomorrow. Having a nice time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M-S3gBqllU#watch-main-area

Black Cloud

I think I have a black cloud hanging over my head. We left the house at 10 a.m. this morning and headed to the airport to start our fabulous ski vacation. Only to return home 7 hours later.

Our flight was delayed an hour and then finally we boarded the plane only to hear an announcement that we were going to be further delayed. Then the pilot announced the delay would be 2 hours and we could get off the plane if we wanted but we would be taking off at 3pm. We decided to get off and sit comfortably in the terminal. An hour later we were asked to go retrieve our belongings from the plane because the flight was cancelled due to bad weather (translated lots & lots of snow in Vail). The good news is we were able to extend our return home by one day and the airline did not charge us for the change. Good news/bad news we were able to get a partial refund on our hotel room for tonight and book an extra night (at full cost) but we will have to switch from a studio to a smaller room. The bad news we had to cancel our rental car with a very low rate and book a new car with a very high rate.

And we get to do it all again tomorrow and the snow continues to fall in Vail. I really hope we get there without any major delays because we really need a vacation!

On a totally different note, my HCG is down to 6.9. I was very disappointed that it hasn't gone back to zero yet. I wonder if this is holding up the start of my period. I have been spotting a little bit all week but no period yet. I'm sure it is waiting until I go on vacation.

Looking Forward

I just looked at the date of my last post and realized it has been over a week since my last post. I can honestly say not too much has been going on lately. I am feeling much better physically and emotionally which is a good thing. I'm sitting around waiting for my period to start so I can move forward with my next transfer.

I met with my doctor today for my failed IVF follow up. Of course I know why the IVF failed because I transferred a CHG tested embryo that had a false negative. It is so sad that after 3 years and many medical procedures I finally get pregnant with a baby that NEVER had a chance to be born. I really am focusing my efforts on moving forward and I am trying very hard to not look backwards.

I do have an upcoming vacation to take my mind off the past month. We are leaving Saturday for a 7 day ski trip in Breckenridge Colorado. I can't wait and I'm sure I'll have lots of lovely snow and mountain pictures to post and some uplifting fun posts next week.

Where is Lady Luck?

I got a call from my RE yesterday and he received the tissue test results from the D&C. The embryo was ABNORMAL and tested positive for Trisomy 22. This should NOT have happened because we had the embryos genetically tested with CGH (not PGD) and I somehow managed to fall into the 9% error rate group. I’m on a roll with the bad luck when it comes to get pregnant. The lab apologized to my doctor and said they were going to re-test their original slides to see what went wrong. They also told my doctor that if I did another IVF they would do the testing for free. The testing was outrageously expensive (double what PGD costs). This is the same lab that CCRM uses and has such a great success rate. Not to mention that their “next time free” offer does me any good because I think 5 IVF’s is plenty for me. I’m done with that stage of IVF. I still have one frozen CGH tested embryo so I’m praying that is truly normal and I hope the lab can reexamine the slide to ensure it is normal.

In case you need a biology lesson to understand what the heck trisomy means, it is an extra chromosome. You have 23 pairs of chromosomes and an extra chromosome attached to an existing chromosome always leads to an abnormality. Trisomy 21 is Down syndrome. Trisomy 22 almost always results in a miscarriage (2^nd leading cause of spontaneous miscarriage).

So the good news is they found out the problem and why I lost the baby. The bad news is this really should not have happened to a CGH tested embryo.

The Worst was yet to come

It has been ages since I've posted mainly because nothing much has been going on. I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment on Friday and my HGC level has dropped to 48. I'm glad that it has dropped down quickly but I wish it was down to zero. I have to do another blood draw this Friday to check it again. I guess I will continue to repeat until it is back to zero. We are still waiting on the D&C tissue testing to find out what went wrong. The results should be back in 1 or 2 weeks from now. I discussed with Dr. T when we can try again and he said I can start the Lupron shots on day 21 of my next cycle. I'm patiently waiting on my period to start and then I will begin my count down to day 21. Based on my calculations the next transfer will be around April 1st.

To back up a week - last Friday (1 week after the D&C) was one of the worst days of my life (physically). I started cramping, bleeding and passing clots around 4am. I got up at 6am and took a Percocet so I could make it to work. It was the last working day of the month and I had some things that HAD to be done. I called my Dr and he actually called me back himself. He said the belated bleeding was common and not to worry unless the bleeding was out of control. I started to feel a bit better so I made it in to work but people knew something was wrong with me because I could barely walk upright. I stayed in my office as much as possible and accomplished several tasks through my Percocet haze. I was forced to take a 2nd Percocet around noon (big mistake) and at 2pm I was had completed the most pressing tasks and I came home. I had the beginnings of a migraine (thanks to the Percocet) and the cramping was really picking up. I immediately went to bed with my heating pad only to be woken up around 5pm feeling like I was dying. My head felt like it was going to explode and my uterus felt like it was about to fall out. I'm lucky that my DH is a doctor so I had someone to assure me that I wasn't going to die and that I didn't need to go to the ER. I was so naive. I thought that the D&C would help me to avoid most of the miscarriage side effects. I stayed in bed the remainder of Friday and the next day everything was fine and all bleeding had stopped. Just like nothing had ever happened.

This past week I've been in a real funk. I'm sad, depressed, and angry. I know these are normal feelings and that I have to give myself time to grieve. I'm just really tired of being on the infertility roller coaster. There is nothing fun about this and after 3+ years of trying I'm worn out. I hate the fact that I can't "try" again until almost April. That seems so far away. I want instant gratification. I'm tired of being patient and thinking positive. Losing my first pregnancy ever has drained me and a little piece of my heart died with the baby. The question I keep asking myself is when will it be my turn and will it ever be my turn?

Looking Ahead

Thanks to everyone for the support, cards and gorgeous flowers (from my SIL). Of course my nosy kitty Roxie had to get in the picture.

I'm doing okay, not great but not too bad either. Being pregnant already feels like a dream or as if it never happened.

This might be a bit TMI but the bleeding from the D&C seems to have gotten worse instead of better. I'm planning to call me RE tomorrow and make sure this is normal. I go back on Feb 5th for my 2 week check up. I am hoping that my HCG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) is back to zero but I think it might take a bit longer than two weeks. I just want my body to get back to normal so we can try again.

Sometimes it seems there is no safe place for an infertile girl. I went to the dentist this week to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist asked how my family was doing. Since I'm the only one in my family of two who goes to him I said "oh I don't have any children" and he said he thought I did. I just no not me. He then proceeded to say how lucky I was and that his two children were such a pain, etc. Then the hygienist chimes in "that is why she gets to go on vacations, etc." I just had to sit in chair and think to myself you people have NO F-ing clue!!! The worst part of the story is my dentist has 2 adopted children because his wife was unable to conceive. You would think someone that had been through that would know better than to make a comment to someone my age without children. Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you will be able to appreciate that story.

As a side note I just wanted to say that I witnessed a small miracle this week. My friend S had to go out of the country on business. She has an adorable tiny poodle named Pip. When the dog sitter came to pick up Pip he got lose and ran away on Tuesday. So many people have been searching for this tiny dog and I even joined the search last night. That is probably the most exercise I've gotten in the past 10 weeks. It seemed so hopeless because he is small, very nervous and he ran quite a distance from home. We had people searching at various times of the day and night and only one spotting yesterday at 10am and again he managed to disappear. Well Pip was caught today by a neighbor and I feel like this is a miracle from God. He answered many prayers and S can finish her business trip in peace. Thank you God for rescuing Pip.

D&C

I woke up yesterday morning and felt at peace with the upcoming procedure. Feeling disappointed is like putting on a comfy pair of pajamas, it is something I'm use to. The happiness I felt for the past 8 weeks is gone but not forgotten.

My mom took me to my appointment and I felt brave until I was filling out the paper work and I had to fill out a form for my county entitled Record of Miscarriage. I think at that moment it really hit me. I wasn't there for an egg retrieval or some other procedure I was there to have my dead baby removed from my uterus.

The D&C went well and I've had very little pain or bleeding. It will take about 3 or 4 weeks for the genetic tissue testing results come back. I laid around resting yesterday. My DH came home early and was here when my mom & I got home. He has been very sweet and seems to be sad. It is hard for me to know how he is really feeling because as a physician he is use to suppressing his feelings.

The outpouring of support both IRL and in blog land has been amazing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family and group of friends. My friend Sunshine came to hang out with me today and watch movies. She even brought an awesome dinner with dessert. I'm going to church tomorrow with my friend S and then I'm treating myself to a hot stones massage.

I just have to keep moving forward and trust in God to get me through this rough time.

No Heartbeat

Today was a very sad day. I went for my ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for this so it didn't come as a total surprise yet I had hoped that God would perform a miracle and save my little baby. The baby only measured at 7 weeks 2 days (last week he measured at 7 weeks 1 day). I am 9 weeks and 4 days today. I've scheduled a D&C for Friday at noon. They will send the tissue to a lab for testing to try to determine the cause of death. Normally this is a genetic issue, however we put back a genetically tested embryo so the cause is a bit of a mystery. It will take 3 - 4 weeks to get the lab results back. There is a 3-10% margin of error with CGH tested embryos. If the embryo comes back genetically normal then I'm not sure how we will proceed. My RE said that we would have to try some different medicines, etc. Two weeks after the D&C I will have to go back for blood work and continue to do this until my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) goes back to zero. It will probably be at least 3 months before I can do another transfer. I would like to do another transfer as soon as possible because I don't want my body to have a chance to reset itself back to its old ways. The only "good" news I heard today is at least I got pregnant and hopefully my body will remember how to do that again. I apologize to my real life friends because this is basically the same e-mail I sent out to earlier today.

I have to compliment my RE's office on the way they handled everything today. Everyone there was so amazing. My RE explained the situation to the ultrasound tech before I was called back so she was super sweet and sympathetic and asked me had my RE explained what we expected to fine. I said yes that I had a good idea. She did the ultrasound very quickly and then ushered me directly to a room (without having to go back to the waiting area). My RE came in and gave me a very big hug and just said how sorry he was. He spend a lot of time with me talking about everything and answered all my questions. He told me that he hoped I didn't blame myself for what had happened because a lot of women think if they would have only done this or that they wouldn't be having a miscarriage. I told him I knew I had done everything in my power to make this happen so no I don't blame myself. He also said that I needed to allow myself to go through the stages of grief. He said he knew I internalized a LOT (which is true) and he had seen more tears from me this past week than he had in the 3 years I've been seeing him. I really hate to cry in front of people and last week I got a tiny bit weepy when I was there but today there were real tears falling freely.

Thanks goes out to my mom who was with me today holding my hand through all of this. I know her heart is breaking just as much as mine and this isn't easy on her either. No parent wants to see their child hurting knowing there is nothing that they can do to ease the pain.

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and sweet thoughts. My heart is broken and I'm very sad and disappointed as you can imagine. Today has been a rough day and I'm sure Friday won't be any better.

Anointed

“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven” (James 5:14-15, NKJV).

My sister asked one of the elders of her church to come over to and pray for me on Sunday while I was visiting at my dad’s house. The elder asked me to explain what was going on with the baby and then read some words of scripture (Joshua 10:12-13). He also said that I had to be careful and not make the want of a baby an idol above God. My family then gathered around me and everyone placed a hand on me and he read James 5:14-15 and rubbed some oil on my forehead and prayed for the baby. He explained that the oil was just baby oil and that it wasn’t any type of magical oil. It was just symbolic. I know this must really sound strange and I was very nervous when my sister mentioned it to me. My family is Baptist, but once I became an adult and started to attend church on my own I’ve attended nondenominational churches. I think this was a nice thing that my sister did and it has given me some peace of mind. I keep reminding myself that God is in charge and whatever the outcome on Wednesday I have to remember that God has a reason for everything even if we don’t understand what that is. I have a lot of people praying for me and my pray is for God to let the baby be ok and if not to grant me peace and acceptance.

Enlarged Yolk Sac

I was feeling a bit stressed about my last visit and the baby measuring behind a week so I called for an appointment this week. The baby has grown but is still behind. He is measuring 7 weeks 1 day and I was 8 weeks 4 days when the scan was taken. I did hear the heart beat which is so amazing but then I got some bad news. The yolk sac is measuring 9.2 mm and it should be disappearing and becoming the umbilical cord. This is an indication that something might be abnormal with the baby and I could suffer a miscarriage.

I found this on-line: The yolk sac first appears during the fifth week of pregnancy and grows to be no larger than 6 mm. Yolk sacs larger than 6 mm are usually indicative of an abnormal pregnancy.

I'm trying to stay strong and positive but it is really hard right now. I know that God is in control but I just can't understand why he would bring me so far in my quest to have a baby only to snatch it away. I go back on Wednesday Jan 20th for another ultrasound. I will keep everyone up to date.

Snow in Georgia

We got a rare 1/2 inch of snow in Atlanta on Friday. Of course the city shut down because we aren't equipped to deal with snow. All the schools closed and lots of people couldn't make the drive to work. I live close enough that I knew I would be able to make the 6 mile drive in. Most of my staff was late but at least they made it work safely. The picture is from my front porch, isn't it pretty.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today. I will post a picture later but my husband left for the gym before I was up and showered. I have been so exhausted this week. I can barely function in the afternoons at work and of course I'm slammed with closing the books for the end of the year and trying to get ready for the auditors. I even had to work yesterday and I really needed to stay home and rest. I still haven't gained any weight which is my goal. If I can make it 12 weeks without gaining anything I will be thrilled.

I was so tired when I posted about my doctor visit on Wednesday that I left off several things. My doctor is thrilled that I am finally pregnant. Of course he told me that I'm not really out of the woods yet and we needed to hit 12 weeks to get past the danger zone. I have 4 weeks left. I woke up at 5am in a bit of a panic thinking about this. My next ultrasound isn't until Jan. 20th. I'm debating calling and seeing if I can get one this week. I want this so badly and I'm trying so hard to keep the fear away but it is really difficult. My RE did tell me I could reduce my estrogen and progesterone medicines. He also said I could exercise but not to get my heart rate over 140 bpm. I have a treadmill and an elliptical at home plus I bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Hopefully soon I'll have a little bit of spare energy to actually do something. He also said I could continue acupuncture. He said he didn't know what value it really offered after you were pregnant but it was my decision. My acupuncturist wants me to come until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I had an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to the snow and ice. I love acupuncture and I find it very relaxing so I plan to continue going over the next 4 weeks.

I'm off to shower and get ready for church. I will post my belly picture later today or tomorrow.

Heart Beat

We heard the heart beat today and it was so amazing. The baby is the tiny dot in between the two plus signs. He is measuring 6 weeks 4 days even though I'm 7 weeks 4 days. The RE said not to worry as long as the heart beat was present and everything looked good. Hearing the heart made everything real. I haven't had any morning sickness and my breast aren't sore (but they are getting bigger). I go back in 2 weeks for my next ultrasound and I will stay with my RE until I'm 12 weeks.

I feel so blessed by God right now and my sister told me any time I feel afraid that I need to say "Step away from my joy filled Spirit Satan". I like that visualization and plan to practice it.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone reading my blog and posting comments, it means a lot to me to be able to share this journey.

Happy New Year 2010

Happy New Year! I'm 7 weeks pregnant today. I still can't get my head around the fact that I'm actually pregnant. I wake up each morning and thank God for this miracle and the last thing I do each night is thank God again and ask him to keep the baby safe and snuggled into my uterus. The spotting has stopped for now and that is a relief.

I haven't really had any symptoms yet. I hope I will be one of the lucky girls that doesn't get morning sickness. If I wait to long to eat then I might get a tiny bit queasy but that is the only symptom beside being tired. I've actually lost 2lbs since week 5 and I think that is due to eating less junk and sweets. I've been trying to eat healthier (more veggies and less starches). I read that you should only gain between 2 - 4 lbs the first trimester so I have made that my goal. I bought a prenatal yoga DVD and if I get the all clear from my RE on Wednesday then I want to start doing a little light exercise.

Wednesday is the ultrasound to hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm so excited and my husband was able to rearrange his schedule to go with me and my mom. I can't wait to share the experience with everyone.