Types of Therapy

When you think about it there are a lot of different types of therapy. Over the past two weeks I've had experienced two types. The first one was a trip to San Francisco with my two single girlfriends. We shopped in China town, ate in Little Italy, walked through the Redwood forest, drove to Napa, tasted wine for 2 days straight and then went back to San Fran to visit Alca.traz and walk on the famous Pier. We ate, drank and laughed a LOT and this did my soul good. I rarely thought about not being able to have a child and was able to just enjoy my mini-vacation.

The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.

Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.

I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.

Weekend Distractions

I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.

On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.

Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3^rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.

To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.

I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.

Looking Forward

I just looked at the date of my last post and realized it has been over a week since my last post. I can honestly say not too much has been going on lately. I am feeling much better physically and emotionally which is a good thing. I'm sitting around waiting for my period to start so I can move forward with my next transfer.

I met with my doctor today for my failed IVF follow up. Of course I know why the IVF failed because I transferred a CHG tested embryo that had a false negative. It is so sad that after 3 years and many medical procedures I finally get pregnant with a baby that NEVER had a chance to be born. I really am focusing my efforts on moving forward and I am trying very hard to not look backwards.

I do have an upcoming vacation to take my mind off the past month. We are leaving Saturday for a 7 day ski trip in Breckenridge Colorado. I can't wait and I'm sure I'll have lots of lovely snow and mountain pictures to post and some uplifting fun posts next week.

Looking Ahead

Thanks to everyone for the support, cards and gorgeous flowers (from my SIL). Of course my nosy kitty Roxie had to get in the picture.

I'm doing okay, not great but not too bad either. Being pregnant already feels like a dream or as if it never happened.

This might be a bit TMI but the bleeding from the D&C seems to have gotten worse instead of better. I'm planning to call me RE tomorrow and make sure this is normal. I go back on Feb 5th for my 2 week check up. I am hoping that my HCG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) is back to zero but I think it might take a bit longer than two weeks. I just want my body to get back to normal so we can try again.

Sometimes it seems there is no safe place for an infertile girl. I went to the dentist this week to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist asked how my family was doing. Since I'm the only one in my family of two who goes to him I said "oh I don't have any children" and he said he thought I did. I just no not me. He then proceeded to say how lucky I was and that his two children were such a pain, etc. Then the hygienist chimes in "that is why she gets to go on vacations, etc." I just had to sit in chair and think to myself you people have NO F-ing clue!!! The worst part of the story is my dentist has 2 adopted children because his wife was unable to conceive. You would think someone that had been through that would know better than to make a comment to someone my age without children. Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you will be able to appreciate that story.

As a side note I just wanted to say that I witnessed a small miracle this week. My friend S had to go out of the country on business. She has an adorable tiny poodle named Pip. When the dog sitter came to pick up Pip he got lose and ran away on Tuesday. So many people have been searching for this tiny dog and I even joined the search last night. That is probably the most exercise I've gotten in the past 10 weeks. It seemed so hopeless because he is small, very nervous and he ran quite a distance from home. We had people searching at various times of the day and night and only one spotting yesterday at 10am and again he managed to disappear. Well Pip was caught today by a neighbor and I feel like this is a miracle from God. He answered many prayers and S can finish her business trip in peace. Thank you God for rescuing Pip.

No More Panties

I have been transferring clothes from my old dresser to my new dresser and I was doing this I suddenly noticed I have a LOT of panties. They were all just jammed in my old dresser but I decided to stack lay them flat in stacks by color. So I stacked and I stacked and I stacked. I started to realize I have a LOT of panties. So I started counting them and my final number was 164. That didn't include the stack I threw away or the ones still in the dirty clothes hamper. I have enough undies to not have to wash for almost 1/3 of the year. I really have no idea how I've managed to amass so many undies, but guess what arrived in the mail today? My V.S. panty coupon, I guess one more pair can't hurt.

Nemo enjoying the new bed and acting like we bought it just for him. Oh right, we did!

Jury Duty

I was called for Jury Duty back in August and I requested a deferment because I was about to go on vacation. Well my deferment came due today. I had to drive to a sketchy part of Atlanta at the crack of dawn (7am but seemed like the crack of dawn) and serve my county. What a LONG and drawn out process. This was the first time I've ever had to go to jury duty. They make you wait in a huge room with about 400 other people and then they call your name (after 2 hours) and send you to a court room. I was juror #67 out of #68. I went to the court room and they tell you what the trial is and then ask a bunch of "group" questions and if they apply to you then you hold up your laminated juror number. That lasted about an hour. After that they had Row 1 stay, row 2 return in 1 1/2 hrs, row 3 to return at 2.15 and row 4,5 & 6 return at 3.30. It was 11.45 AM so I had nearly 4 hours to kill. UGH! This part of Atlanta isn't the nice area with all the shops, it is the area surrounded by homeless people. I did take myself to a nice lunch and I had a great piece of homemade key lime pie.

I walked back (about 1/2 mile) to the courthouse and sat in the sunshine for about another hour. At 3.30 a large group of us waited in the hallway on hard wooden benches. And we waited and waited. They called in a few people but they only made it to #48 before they had selected their 14 jurors. This was around 6pm. We all had to file back into the courtroom and after another hour we were finally free to go. Unbelievable process and I was never in the running to be a juror. I would say an entire day wasted but it was a small lesson about how our justice system works.

In case you are wondering the trial was for a teacher that was beaten by a 17 year old female student and her mother (the mother was tried last week and got 1 year in jail).

On a happy note, I had my 3rd and final shot this morning. YEAH! I'm planning to call the RE tomorrow and see if I can get my schedule for the FET. I hope to start the process in 28 days. It is like seeing a faint light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Where is God?

This week in the local news a newborn baby was abandoned in a storm drain.  The 18 year old mother showed up at the hospital and said she had just given birth and placed the baby in a trash receptacle at a gas station.  When the police searched the area they didn't find the baby. Upon talking to the 19 year old father they found out that he had placed the baby in a muddy storm drain.  It has been raining for a solid week here.  The baby boy was found alive, but died a few hours after being taken to the hospital.  The couple said the baby was born dead and they didn't know what to do with him, however the police report the baby was in good health, alive and making noise when they found him.  This could have been avoided because Georgia has a Safe Place for Newborns Act of 2002 which allows a mother to leave her newborn baby within seven days of birth at any hospital in Georgia. 

I can't help but think why did God bless this young couple with a baby when they had planned to discard it like a bundle of trash?  Where is my baby?  Why won't God bless me with a baby?  This has been such a rough 2.9 years and when I hear about something so henious as putting a tiny newborn in a storm drain without a second thought I just can't help but wonder why God would allow this.  I know we all have free will and that couple will have to answer to God for their actions but why them?  When I heard this story on the news I could feel my heart start harden towards God.  I'm angry and bitter and discouraged and disappointed and the list goes on and on.

I want God to bless me and lift this pain from my broken heart.  I want to believe in miracles and prayer.  I want to be a mother!

Shower

I went to the couples shower for my friend J on Saturday and had a nice time.  It was basically like an adult party, lots of alcohol and yummy party food and a big stack of gifts wrapped in cute baby paper (okay that was the not so normal part of the party).  I just avoided that area of the house so I could continue to pretend like this was just a party.  We stayed about 2 hours and when it came time for the gifts to be opened I chicken out and went home.  I felt bad that I just couldn't stay, but I felt like leaving was in my best interest.  My friend J looked really beautiful with her big twins belly and her pregnancy glow.  She has had a really rough pregnancy so it was nice to see her acting like her normal social self.  She hugged me when I left and told me how much it meant for me to be there and I was happy to have been able to share the evening with her.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

The hot flashes have begun.  They are so strange, it feels like you are heating up from the inside out.  It seems like the last time I went through medical menopause that nothing really happened in the first month.  I've only had a couple of flashes but I can tell the "fun" is just around the corner.

It is hard having an infertility blog and nothing related going on.  I guess this will just be a ME blog for the next 3 months.  I hope I don't bore everyone to death over the next 3 months.  It was nice to have an extra day off this weekend.  I didn't do much but I did get to visit my friend J that is pregnant with twins.  It is bittersweet to see her.  She and I were running partners and we use to work together.  We spent many hours together running and training for our 1/2 marathons and then our full marathon.  We would run together at least 4 days every week.  Then I started trying to get pregnant in January 2007 and she started in May 2007.  Nothing happened for either one of us.  I went to see an RE and a few months later she followed behind me to see the same RE.  After her first unsuccessful IVF she decided to go to the famous Colorado clinic and now she is 22 weeks pregnant with twins.  I could not more thrilled for her but we both hoped to be able to go through this together and have our babies at the same time.  She is due to deliver the same month that I have my transfer - December.  Her baby shower is this weekend and I'm planning to attend.  I was not able to attend my sister-in-laws shower because I was so raw from IVF #3.  My friend J is having an evening couples shower and since I get to take my husband with me I think it will be okay.  

Random Act of Kindness

I received this card in the mail yesterday from my aunt in Indiana.  It said on the outside "Hello" and then inside "hope you know how often we think of you and pray for you".   I only see my aunt & uncle about once every two years, so I'm not as close to them as I'd like to be but I just wanted to say that this random act of kindness really put a smile on my face.  Sometimes just knowing someone is thinking about you and praying for you can make all the difference in the world.   My aunt wrote in the card that she was thinking about me as she studied Luke 1 & 2, how God blessed Elizabeth with child when she didn't think it was possible.  She wrote that God's plans are perfect and best but it is hard sometimes waiting for his perfect timing.  I have to admit I've been a bit mad at God lately.  I think that is a normal feeling and all children get mad at their parents from time to time.  I wish I could look into the future and know what God's plan for my life are.  The waiting is so hard and I still have 3 longs months to endure.

Thanks Melva & Darrel for the beautiful and thoughtful card.  It really meant a lot to me at this dark time in my life.

Yesterday's History and Tomorrow's a Mystery

I'm just dropping in to say nothing much is going on right now.  I'm still talking my Estrace pills and Lupron injections every day.  I just looked at the calendar and realized I've had at least one injection every day for almost 60 days.  Wow, that is a lot of shots.  My DH comes in every morning on his way out the door and gives me my morning injection along with a kiss goodbye.  I barely even wake up when he gives me the injection.  How sad is that.  

I have an appointment on Friday morning for blood work and an ultrasound to determine if I'm ready to start progesterone suppositories (yuck).  This will be the last drug that I have to introduce into the "mix" in order to get my body ready for the biopsy.  This protocol will be the same one I'll be on before transferring the embryos back into my uterus.  

I'll check back on Friday with an update.