I'm Broken

My heart is broken, my spirit is broken and my faith is broken.

And let's not forget my body is broken.

I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.

The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.

I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.

Gratefulness Blog

My sister posted a comment that basically said I should start a gratefulness journal and that bitterness, resentment and gratefulness could not all reside together. I am here to tell you that they have all become very cozy neighbors. Since my last post was such a downer this will be an uplifting post of things that I am grateful for.

I’m grateful for:

• My very supportive husband. He has been amazing through this process and even though I’ve been upset with him for wanting to discontinue IVF I do understand his reasons
• My parents and family. They offered me so much support and prayers throughout this entire ordeal. They wanted this for me just as much as I wanted it. My mother always rearranged her schedule and took me to almost every retrieval and transfer. She stood with me and my DH the first time we heard the baby’s heart beat and she was with me when there was no heart beat.
• My amazing group of friends who offered words of encouragement and hugs when I needed them most. No one could ask for a better group of friends.
• The strangers who prayed for me to become pregnant and prayed that I would find peace when I was no longer pregnant
• My 2 darling little kitties that could put a smile on my face when no one else could.
• God who has provided me with so many good things in my life. I hope that one day he will provide me with the peace to move forward

There really are so many things that I’m grateful for and I do give thanks to God for everything he has provided for me. I’ve read blogs about girls going through infertility that lose friends and become estranged from their families or their husbands leave them for more fertile women. I’ve read blogs about girls having miscarriages at 20 weeks or having to discontinue IVF because they are in debt and near bankruptcy from spending so much money on IVF. None of these things have happened to me and I’m grateful for that. I always tell myself that it could be worse.

Comments

I wanted to reply to some of the comments and I want to thank everyone who did comment. The support I've received has been amazing and I've found some lovely new blogs that I plan to follow. When I read what some girls have been through I'm filled with hope that I can make it through this tough time in my life.

I want to preface this post by saying that I think it is great that there are so many alternative family building methods (not really the right word) available. I do not want anyone to think that I disapprove of any of them. We are just not open to donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption at this time in our lives. I have been following Jenicini through her journey using her best friends eggs. I am in awe of both of these women and I'm thrilled that Jenicini was finally able to get pregnant. Of all the options available I think this would be the only one (at this time) that I might be open to but DH is not willing to go down this path. As for adoption, neither of us is open to this option. I am currently reading several blogs about couples going down this path and it is shocking how hard adoption is in the US. So many people just say "why don't you adopt" and they have no idea what is really involved. It's not like buying a puppy. You can't go on Craigs.list and find one (not legally anyway).

My brother called me this week to tell me how sorry he was about our failed IVF and then said had we considered adoption and I said no. He then proceeded to tell me that knowing what he knows now (he has a 10 month old baby) that he would do anything it took to have a family. Of course this upset me greatly and I said is this supposed to make me feel better?? He really only wanted to convey how great it is to have a child and while I understand that, there are certain limits to how far we are planning to go to create a family. I know he felt really bad about the conversation because he sent me an e-mail the next day to apologize. My conversation with him has just put me in a tailspin because it just reiterates how much I do want a baby. I'm still having a hard time reconciling the fact that we are done. It is causing tension in my marriage and that is never a good thing.

Someone mentioned therapy. My DH also mentioned this to me. I'm not against therapy and I actually did see a counselor with my ex and after my divorce. It was great and really helped me to put everything into perspective. However, when my DH mentioned therapy I just said that there is nothing anyone can say to help me come to terms with this situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready for therapy yet or not. Maybe when my feelings aren't so raw.

To my older sister: I know that when God closes one door he opens another. I now wonder if that is just something people say to make themselves feel better. Maybe not, but I have a feeling I will be staring so hard at that closed door that I may never see a new one open. I don't know God's plan for my life and my faith has been shaken by this experience. I hope one day his plan is revealed but sometimes life isn't far and we just have to accept that.

NOT PREGNANT

I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.



After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.



After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.



I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.

My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.


This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.

My Anniversary

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He has put up with so much over the last 3 years while we have been trying to conceive. I cannot even begin to imagine going through this with just anyone. It has really taken its toll on me but he has stood by me through all the tears, depression and sorrow and loved me in spite of it all. I think I am very fortunate that this hasn't torn apart our marriage like it has so many others. At least God has blessed me in the marriage department. I'll find out tomorrow if he has blessed me in the baby department.

Goal Setting

It is that time of year again at work. We have to set goals for the year (ok we are a little behind here). I was trying to think of some creative goals to set for myself that my boss would approve. It isn't easy because I'm an accountant and lets face it not much changes in this role. The other thing that makes it difficult is my #1 goal is to have a baby and quit work. Hmm, I wonder what my boss would think of that goal. Somehow I don't think that one would go over too well. I wonder how I will react if I'm unable to obtain that goal. I have so much hope pinned on Friday's beta. I just don't know how I can suddenly change my life goals and live childfree. I know my DH can do it, but can I? If it comes down to that then I will just have to live in the moment and take life one day at a time.

Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.

In the Beginning

The above pictures are the two embryos that we put back on Tuesday. Our original plan was to only put back the one CGH tested embryo. However after it was thawed out it did not look so good. You can see that it is starting to spread out, kind of like when you crack open an egg and the yolk breaks open and starts to ooze out. Both embryo's had already hatched from the zona pellucida which is a hard shell that forms to protect the embryo after fertilization. Once the embryo has hatched it should stay in a tight circle formation. As you can see my CHG embryo did not do that. I'm not sure of the exact cause of this but it is probably just the quality of the embryo due to my advanced maternal age. For those of you lucky enough to have babies the old fashion way and aren't up on the IVF lingo - CGH testing is genetic testing on all 23 chromosomes and PGD testing is only on 9 chromosomes. My clinic just recently gained access to the CGH labs. In fact, I was their first patient to have CGH.

I took 3 days off work to just lie on the couch and relax. I want to give these embryos the best possible chance for implantation. I also want to say thanks to everyone for the outpouring of prayers. It means so much to me to know so many people are praying and want this dream to come true.

Day of Drama

The last 24 hours have been full of stress and drama. Yesterday morning after I got out of the shower I discovered that my stitch was no longer visible. I was worried that I had somehow pulled it out so I looked around, then unscrewed the drain cap and looked and lastly I checked my loofah scrubby and still no stitch. I did however have some mild cervical cramping but thought that might be the progesterone. My mom drove up last night to cook dinner and drive me around today. We went for a nice walk and then came home to shower. She went first and walked out of the bathroom holding a cobalt blue string and said "is this what you were looking for?" My heart sank because I HAD lost the stitch. I somehow pulled it out (It was still tied in a knot) and I guess it caught on my towel and when I flipped the towel over the shower curtain it feel back into the tub. I knew there was nothing that could be done about it. The cervical stitch was put in to help assist my RE getting the catheter in place. I decided I would just call my RE when the office opened Tuesday morning.

I called the RE office this morning and was informed that my doctors wife had fallen and might have a cracked rib and my RE was out to take her to the doctor so someone else might have to do my transfer. I felt like crying because I really trust him and without the stitch I knew my transfer was going to be more difficult than a normal transfer. I asked the nurse if I could just push back the transfer and wait on him. She said she would have to let me know. Later I got a call directly from my RE on his cell phone and I'm thinking no big deal he is just calling about the transfer but he was calling to let me know that the quality of my CGH tested embryo didn't look great and the head lab doctor was recommending thawing out my PGD tested embryo and putting back both. My DH has been very against inputting 2 embryos so I told my RE I would have to call my DH first. DH agreed to putting back both and my RE said he would be there to do the transfer.

I'm happy to report the transfer went smoothly. This was probably the easiest one I've done. I went for acupuncture after the transfer and now I'm home relaxing. My beta is on April 23! For now I'm PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise and praying like crazy.

I've been lassoed

The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.

Looking Ahead

Thanks to everyone for the support, cards and gorgeous flowers (from my SIL). Of course my nosy kitty Roxie had to get in the picture.

I'm doing okay, not great but not too bad either. Being pregnant already feels like a dream or as if it never happened.

This might be a bit TMI but the bleeding from the D&C seems to have gotten worse instead of better. I'm planning to call me RE tomorrow and make sure this is normal. I go back on Feb 5th for my 2 week check up. I am hoping that my HCG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) is back to zero but I think it might take a bit longer than two weeks. I just want my body to get back to normal so we can try again.

Sometimes it seems there is no safe place for an infertile girl. I went to the dentist this week to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist asked how my family was doing. Since I'm the only one in my family of two who goes to him I said "oh I don't have any children" and he said he thought I did. I just no not me. He then proceeded to say how lucky I was and that his two children were such a pain, etc. Then the hygienist chimes in "that is why she gets to go on vacations, etc." I just had to sit in chair and think to myself you people have NO F-ing clue!!! The worst part of the story is my dentist has 2 adopted children because his wife was unable to conceive. You would think someone that had been through that would know better than to make a comment to someone my age without children. Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you will be able to appreciate that story.

As a side note I just wanted to say that I witnessed a small miracle this week. My friend S had to go out of the country on business. She has an adorable tiny poodle named Pip. When the dog sitter came to pick up Pip he got lose and ran away on Tuesday. So many people have been searching for this tiny dog and I even joined the search last night. That is probably the most exercise I've gotten in the past 10 weeks. It seemed so hopeless because he is small, very nervous and he ran quite a distance from home. We had people searching at various times of the day and night and only one spotting yesterday at 10am and again he managed to disappear. Well Pip was caught today by a neighbor and I feel like this is a miracle from God. He answered many prayers and S can finish her business trip in peace. Thank you God for rescuing Pip.

D&C

I woke up yesterday morning and felt at peace with the upcoming procedure. Feeling disappointed is like putting on a comfy pair of pajamas, it is something I'm use to. The happiness I felt for the past 8 weeks is gone but not forgotten.

My mom took me to my appointment and I felt brave until I was filling out the paper work and I had to fill out a form for my county entitled Record of Miscarriage. I think at that moment it really hit me. I wasn't there for an egg retrieval or some other procedure I was there to have my dead baby removed from my uterus.

The D&C went well and I've had very little pain or bleeding. It will take about 3 or 4 weeks for the genetic tissue testing results come back. I laid around resting yesterday. My DH came home early and was here when my mom & I got home. He has been very sweet and seems to be sad. It is hard for me to know how he is really feeling because as a physician he is use to suppressing his feelings.

The outpouring of support both IRL and in blog land has been amazing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family and group of friends. My friend Sunshine came to hang out with me today and watch movies. She even brought an awesome dinner with dessert. I'm going to church tomorrow with my friend S and then I'm treating myself to a hot stones massage.

I just have to keep moving forward and trust in God to get me through this rough time.

Anointed

“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven” (James 5:14-15, NKJV).

My sister asked one of the elders of her church to come over to and pray for me on Sunday while I was visiting at my dad’s house. The elder asked me to explain what was going on with the baby and then read some words of scripture (Joshua 10:12-13). He also said that I had to be careful and not make the want of a baby an idol above God. My family then gathered around me and everyone placed a hand on me and he read James 5:14-15 and rubbed some oil on my forehead and prayed for the baby. He explained that the oil was just baby oil and that it wasn’t any type of magical oil. It was just symbolic. I know this must really sound strange and I was very nervous when my sister mentioned it to me. My family is Baptist, but once I became an adult and started to attend church on my own I’ve attended nondenominational churches. I think this was a nice thing that my sister did and it has given me some peace of mind. I keep reminding myself that God is in charge and whatever the outcome on Wednesday I have to remember that God has a reason for everything even if we don’t understand what that is. I have a lot of people praying for me and my pray is for God to let the baby be ok and if not to grant me peace and acceptance.

Enlarged Yolk Sac

I was feeling a bit stressed about my last visit and the baby measuring behind a week so I called for an appointment this week. The baby has grown but is still behind. He is measuring 7 weeks 1 day and I was 8 weeks 4 days when the scan was taken. I did hear the heart beat which is so amazing but then I got some bad news. The yolk sac is measuring 9.2 mm and it should be disappearing and becoming the umbilical cord. This is an indication that something might be abnormal with the baby and I could suffer a miscarriage.

I found this on-line: The yolk sac first appears during the fifth week of pregnancy and grows to be no larger than 6 mm. Yolk sacs larger than 6 mm are usually indicative of an abnormal pregnancy.

I'm trying to stay strong and positive but it is really hard right now. I know that God is in control but I just can't understand why he would bring me so far in my quest to have a baby only to snatch it away. I go back on Wednesday Jan 20th for another ultrasound. I will keep everyone up to date.

Snow in Georgia

We got a rare 1/2 inch of snow in Atlanta on Friday. Of course the city shut down because we aren't equipped to deal with snow. All the schools closed and lots of people couldn't make the drive to work. I live close enough that I knew I would be able to make the 6 mile drive in. Most of my staff was late but at least they made it work safely. The picture is from my front porch, isn't it pretty.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today. I will post a picture later but my husband left for the gym before I was up and showered. I have been so exhausted this week. I can barely function in the afternoons at work and of course I'm slammed with closing the books for the end of the year and trying to get ready for the auditors. I even had to work yesterday and I really needed to stay home and rest. I still haven't gained any weight which is my goal. If I can make it 12 weeks without gaining anything I will be thrilled.

I was so tired when I posted about my doctor visit on Wednesday that I left off several things. My doctor is thrilled that I am finally pregnant. Of course he told me that I'm not really out of the woods yet and we needed to hit 12 weeks to get past the danger zone. I have 4 weeks left. I woke up at 5am in a bit of a panic thinking about this. My next ultrasound isn't until Jan. 20th. I'm debating calling and seeing if I can get one this week. I want this so badly and I'm trying so hard to keep the fear away but it is really difficult. My RE did tell me I could reduce my estrogen and progesterone medicines. He also said I could exercise but not to get my heart rate over 140 bpm. I have a treadmill and an elliptical at home plus I bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Hopefully soon I'll have a little bit of spare energy to actually do something. He also said I could continue acupuncture. He said he didn't know what value it really offered after you were pregnant but it was my decision. My acupuncturist wants me to come until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I had an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to the snow and ice. I love acupuncture and I find it very relaxing so I plan to continue going over the next 4 weeks.

I'm off to shower and get ready for church. I will post my belly picture later today or tomorrow.

God's Answer to my Prayers

God has answered my prayers! I'm pregnant!!! After 3 very long years of trying to get pregnant it finally happened. I want to thank everyone who has been praying for me. Your prayers mean so much and this would not have happened without them. I've questioned God and his timing so much but as one friend pointed out to me this is my turn. So many of my friends have been pregnant this year and it has been a hard year for me but now I will have their wisdom and new mother experiences to help me.

My beta today was 165.6 (hcG level). I go back on Wednesday and the number should double. This is one way to determine a viable pregnancy. I still have to continue taking my estrace pills and the progesterone suppositories until further notice. I think in two weeks I will get to hear the heartbeat. I'm scared but I've decided to enjoy every day of being pregnant and not let the fear take root. God has already mapped out his path for me and this baby and worrying will not change that. I will be constantly reminding myself of that.

Thank you God!

Sew Busy & The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Sew Busy

I have been busy this year cross stitching baby gifts for all the people that I know who have been or are about to have a baby. The attached picture is going to be my niece Olivia's Christmas present. It took me about 5 months to stitch this design but I think it was time well spent.

The Dreaded Two Week Wait (actually mine is 10 days)

I can honestly say that this past week has been the longest week of my life. I feel like I'm just sitting and waiting! I have none of my normal distractions and I'm completely distracted and work and can barely concentrate. I'm trying to put off the more difficult stuff (if it can wait) until next week. I can't exercise and I'm not shopping much because hopefully I will be pregnant and won't need new (non-maternity) clothes for a while. I finished 90% of my Christmas shopping prior to the transfer and I wrapped and mailed all my gifts this week. I'm hovering between hopeful and doubtful. I'm excited and scared. I'm looking forward to Monday but I'm dreading it at the same time. I've spent every spare moment praying and begging God to let this be my turn to get pregnant. I'm meditating at night with an IVF CD that helps me visualize the embryo implanting and it provides me with positive affirmation that I've done everything I can possibly do to make this a success. I want this more than anything else right now. We have so much love to give our child and we are ready to give that love.

Transfer Day

This is our beautiful embryo that was transferred today. The transfer went well after a few false starts. I had to drink 40 oz of water prior to getting to the office and my bladder was SUPER full. My doctor was running late so the U/S tech said I could let out a little bit of urine. That is one of the hardest things to do. Super full bladder + having to stop in midstream = torture.

I posted before that my cervix seems to be closed up and that is the reason I had to have the cervical stitch. The first attempt at getting the catheter in did not go well so my RE decided to use a different sized catheter. He got this through my cervix easily while I watched on the ultrasound screen. Oh, I forgot to mention that the u/s tech was pressing the wand on my super full bladder the entire time. After the transfer the embryologist takes the catheter back in the lab to make sure it is empty. Of course mine was NOT. The embryo was stuck in the tip of the catheter. This is not harmful to the embryo which was my first thought. My RE had to use yet another type of catheter and everything went perfect on the last attempt. He then removed the cervical stitch and I didn't even feel it.

After lying on the table for about 20 minutes and spending 10 minutes emptying my bladder my mom drove me to the acupuncturist. I had a nice relaxing session and then came home to lie on the couch. My weekend plans are to lie flat on my back. My mom cooked dinner tonight and I have a friend bring me breakfast tomorrow and another friend bringing over a movie & dinner tomorrow night. My DH is getting off easy this weekend.

My beta (pregnancy test) is December 14th. These next 10 days are going to seem like eternity. Please keep the prayers going strong.

A Stitch in Mine

WARNING: Daddy skip this post - please

I went to the RE yesterday for my cervical stitch. My appointment was at 7.30 am - not the best way to start a Tuesday morning. I knew I was in trouble when the nurse kept saying "Oh, I'm sorry you have to have this. Yikes! Step 1 - spray the cervix with acid (I mean numbing spray). Step 2 - inject the cervix multiple times with numbing solution. However cervix isn't yet numb from spray so I felt the injections. Step 3 - put in stitch which involved lots of tugging and pressure. Done. My RE said that he was going to leave the thread long so it would be easy to remove on the day of the transfer. He said it would be like a tampon string and not to worry about it. I asked him if I could still work out because I didn't want to do anything to bust the stitch. I ONLY asked about working out but his response was you can work out, have inter.course (his word not mine), do most anything and not bust the stitch.

Fast forward to lunch time. I met my girlfriend JG for lunch and excused myself to run to the restroom. As I finished up I noticed not 1 but 2 cobalt blue 5 inch strings hanging out of my whoo-ha. I was NOT expecting that! I told JG I don't know what the RE was thinking when he said I could have s.e.x because what if those strings got wrapped around DH's joystick. I can only imagine that 911 call.

Everything is set for the transfer on Friday. I went to acupuncture on Monday and I'm going again tomorrow and then again Friday after the transfer. There went those new boots I saw at DSW today.

I want to take a moment to thank all the people that are praying for me. Just knowing how many people are praying for me fills my heart with love and joy. Thank you.

Same Story - Different Nephew

I had a lovely pre-Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's house today. I even baked a broccoli casserole to take with us. It was a lovely day and all of my family was there, including my niece who lives in Tennessee (her husband is in the Army) and my nephew who is in the Army in North Carolina. It was nice to be together and I got to hold my 19 year old nephew's 3 month old baby. She is a darling little girl with big eyes and a sweet disposition. As I looked at that little miracle my heart skipped a beat or two thinking that maybe this time next year that will be me.

As the day came to an end and just a few of us were sitting in the living room my sister R said guess who's pregnant. Only my married niece and unmarried 21 year old nephew were in the room. I of course looked at my niece as my nephew's girlfriend raised her hand. WHAT?? I was in shock (which probably saved me from bursting into tears right away). After the shock wore off I had to excuse myself so I could have a mini cry in the bathroom. I felt like someone had slammed me in the heart with a sledgehammer. Both my sister's hugged me tight when I came back in the room and said how sorry they were. My nephew is in college on a baseball scholarship with a promising future as a professional baseball player. I know my sister R is crushed because this of course changes everything. They both have 3 semesters of college left but the baby will be here in July so I have no idea what will happen now. Every baby is a miracle and gift from God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, but could the timing be any worse for them? I feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. Really. My brother & nephew both had a baby this year and now my other nephew is expecting. 3 new babies are entering my family in 1 year and I'm about to enter my 3rd year of just trying to get pregnant. No one ever said life was fair.

Where is God?

This week in the local news a newborn baby was abandoned in a storm drain.  The 18 year old mother showed up at the hospital and said she had just given birth and placed the baby in a trash receptacle at a gas station.  When the police searched the area they didn't find the baby. Upon talking to the 19 year old father they found out that he had placed the baby in a muddy storm drain.  It has been raining for a solid week here.  The baby boy was found alive, but died a few hours after being taken to the hospital.  The couple said the baby was born dead and they didn't know what to do with him, however the police report the baby was in good health, alive and making noise when they found him.  This could have been avoided because Georgia has a Safe Place for Newborns Act of 2002 which allows a mother to leave her newborn baby within seven days of birth at any hospital in Georgia. 

I can't help but think why did God bless this young couple with a baby when they had planned to discard it like a bundle of trash?  Where is my baby?  Why won't God bless me with a baby?  This has been such a rough 2.9 years and when I hear about something so henious as putting a tiny newborn in a storm drain without a second thought I just can't help but wonder why God would allow this.  I know we all have free will and that couple will have to answer to God for their actions but why them?  When I heard this story on the news I could feel my heart start harden towards God.  I'm angry and bitter and discouraged and disappointed and the list goes on and on.

I want God to bless me and lift this pain from my broken heart.  I want to believe in miracles and prayer.  I want to be a mother!