Final Appointment

I had my final follow up appointment with my RE on Friday. The first question he asked me "how are you doing? Really doing?" brought me to tears. I said not too good but I was trying to deal with it the best way I could. I told him we were done with medical intervention and he totally understands. He said that his top suggestion would be for us to do another cycle with donor eggs. He feels he can help me over come the uterine issues. His second recommendation would be for us to do a fresh IVF with CGH testing (same exact cycle we did with IVF#5). The last recommendation is we could go ahead and put back 2 crummy frozen embryos I have in storage. I asked what percentage did I have with those and he said honestly about 20%. The embryo's were PGD tested and tested normal but the were not developing (expanding) properly prior to be frozen. Each one was around 10 cells on day 5 when they should have been at least 100 cells. I have a feeling these would expire once we thawed them out. Still considering what to do with those 2.

It was a nice chat with my RE. He told me he would never retire my file and he would never give up hope on me. He got misty eyed and had to wipe away the tear that threatened to fall as he told me how sorry he was that I miscarried in January and then didn't get pregnant in April (after so many prior failures). He really likes me and my DH and I think he can relate to us. He married his current wife later in life and it took them 5 IVF's to deliver a baby. It was very sad to wrap up the meeting because I've been seeing my RE for 3 1/2 years and he seems like an old friend. He made sure I still had his cell phone number and told me to please call him if I or DH had any questions about anything. Then we hugged and I went to my car and cried.

That night I laid in bed and wept as my DH held me. I just kept telling him this is so hard and I don't understand why it is happening to me. I just can't bare the pain I feel ALL THE TIME. It never leaves me. I can put on my happy mask and fake it at times but it is still there robbing me of a joyous life.

I'm headed to San Francisco tomorrow with 2 of my girlfriends. My friend WW is flying from Hawaii to meet us and my friend Diva is traveling with me. Both girls are single and childfree so it will be nice to be with people who aren't in the same place as me right now. I need a single, carefree weekend in the wine valley with my girls. I hope I can stow away my mask and truly enjoy myself this next 4 days.

I'm Broken

My heart is broken, my spirit is broken and my faith is broken.

And let's not forget my body is broken.

I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.

The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.

I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.

Mother's Day

I think this must be one of the hardest holidays for anyone suffering from infertility. All the TV commercials showing precious little children with their mommies just reminds all us infertiles what we are missing out on. Trust me we all know exactly what we are missing in our lives. I’m still hiding from my reality that I will:

Never be pregnant and give birth to a baby

Never nurse a tiny baby

Never see my baby smile or laugh for the first time

Never look into my babies face and see a bit of myself or my husband

Never rock my baby to sleep

Never hear the word “mommy” or even “I love you mommy”

Never see my mother holding or playing with my baby

Never get to pass down the wonderful example that my mother has been to me

The list goes on and on. My reality sucks and I’m having a hard time accepting it. As long as I stay focused on other things I’m able to breathe and find a tiny bit of peace, but when I really think about what I’ll never have I can feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces.

GYN Meltdown

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!

Comments

I wanted to reply to some of the comments and I want to thank everyone who did comment. The support I've received has been amazing and I've found some lovely new blogs that I plan to follow. When I read what some girls have been through I'm filled with hope that I can make it through this tough time in my life.

I want to preface this post by saying that I think it is great that there are so many alternative family building methods (not really the right word) available. I do not want anyone to think that I disapprove of any of them. We are just not open to donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption at this time in our lives. I have been following Jenicini through her journey using her best friends eggs. I am in awe of both of these women and I'm thrilled that Jenicini was finally able to get pregnant. Of all the options available I think this would be the only one (at this time) that I might be open to but DH is not willing to go down this path. As for adoption, neither of us is open to this option. I am currently reading several blogs about couples going down this path and it is shocking how hard adoption is in the US. So many people just say "why don't you adopt" and they have no idea what is really involved. It's not like buying a puppy. You can't go on Craigs.list and find one (not legally anyway).

My brother called me this week to tell me how sorry he was about our failed IVF and then said had we considered adoption and I said no. He then proceeded to tell me that knowing what he knows now (he has a 10 month old baby) that he would do anything it took to have a family. Of course this upset me greatly and I said is this supposed to make me feel better?? He really only wanted to convey how great it is to have a child and while I understand that, there are certain limits to how far we are planning to go to create a family. I know he felt really bad about the conversation because he sent me an e-mail the next day to apologize. My conversation with him has just put me in a tailspin because it just reiterates how much I do want a baby. I'm still having a hard time reconciling the fact that we are done. It is causing tension in my marriage and that is never a good thing.

Someone mentioned therapy. My DH also mentioned this to me. I'm not against therapy and I actually did see a counselor with my ex and after my divorce. It was great and really helped me to put everything into perspective. However, when my DH mentioned therapy I just said that there is nothing anyone can say to help me come to terms with this situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready for therapy yet or not. Maybe when my feelings aren't so raw.

To my older sister: I know that when God closes one door he opens another. I now wonder if that is just something people say to make themselves feel better. Maybe not, but I have a feeling I will be staring so hard at that closed door that I may never see a new one open. I don't know God's plan for my life and my faith has been shaken by this experience. I hope one day his plan is revealed but sometimes life isn't far and we just have to accept that.

Frozen

I feel frozen right now. I just have no idea how to move forward. How do I give up my dream of having a baby and becoming a mother? After being on the awful IVF roller coaster for the past 3 1/2 years how do I get off? My RE suggested a 6th IVF cycle since I did get pregnant once just 4 short months ago and the only reason that didn't work out is the embryo was positive for Trisomy 22. My DH is against a 6th cycle. I was barely able to convince him to do a 5th cycle and I think after the 4th cycle I PROMISED him that was it. But of course that wasn't it. I begged him to do another cycle and promised that really was the last one. But then I got pregnant on a frozen cycle, had a miscarriage and then used the remaining frozen embryos and got my latest BFN. The issue for my DH isn't even money but the need to know when it is time to STOP. Also, my DH is really worried about the effect all the IVF's are going to have on my long term health. An executive at his hospital is suffering from stage 4 ovarian cancer. She has 2 year old twins via IVF and hopes to live to see them grow up. Some studies show a link between ovarian cancer and IVF treatments.

When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.

Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.

NOT PREGNANT

I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.



After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.



After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.



I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.

My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.


This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.

The Worst was yet to come

It has been ages since I've posted mainly because nothing much has been going on. I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment on Friday and my HGC level has dropped to 48. I'm glad that it has dropped down quickly but I wish it was down to zero. I have to do another blood draw this Friday to check it again. I guess I will continue to repeat until it is back to zero. We are still waiting on the D&C tissue testing to find out what went wrong. The results should be back in 1 or 2 weeks from now. I discussed with Dr. T when we can try again and he said I can start the Lupron shots on day 21 of my next cycle. I'm patiently waiting on my period to start and then I will begin my count down to day 21. Based on my calculations the next transfer will be around April 1st.

To back up a week - last Friday (1 week after the D&C) was one of the worst days of my life (physically). I started cramping, bleeding and passing clots around 4am. I got up at 6am and took a Percocet so I could make it to work. It was the last working day of the month and I had some things that HAD to be done. I called my Dr and he actually called me back himself. He said the belated bleeding was common and not to worry unless the bleeding was out of control. I started to feel a bit better so I made it in to work but people knew something was wrong with me because I could barely walk upright. I stayed in my office as much as possible and accomplished several tasks through my Percocet haze. I was forced to take a 2nd Percocet around noon (big mistake) and at 2pm I was had completed the most pressing tasks and I came home. I had the beginnings of a migraine (thanks to the Percocet) and the cramping was really picking up. I immediately went to bed with my heating pad only to be woken up around 5pm feeling like I was dying. My head felt like it was going to explode and my uterus felt like it was about to fall out. I'm lucky that my DH is a doctor so I had someone to assure me that I wasn't going to die and that I didn't need to go to the ER. I was so naive. I thought that the D&C would help me to avoid most of the miscarriage side effects. I stayed in bed the remainder of Friday and the next day everything was fine and all bleeding had stopped. Just like nothing had ever happened.

This past week I've been in a real funk. I'm sad, depressed, and angry. I know these are normal feelings and that I have to give myself time to grieve. I'm just really tired of being on the infertility roller coaster. There is nothing fun about this and after 3+ years of trying I'm worn out. I hate the fact that I can't "try" again until almost April. That seems so far away. I want instant gratification. I'm tired of being patient and thinking positive. Losing my first pregnancy ever has drained me and a little piece of my heart died with the baby. The question I keep asking myself is when will it be my turn and will it ever be my turn?

Looking Ahead

Thanks to everyone for the support, cards and gorgeous flowers (from my SIL). Of course my nosy kitty Roxie had to get in the picture.

I'm doing okay, not great but not too bad either. Being pregnant already feels like a dream or as if it never happened.

This might be a bit TMI but the bleeding from the D&C seems to have gotten worse instead of better. I'm planning to call me RE tomorrow and make sure this is normal. I go back on Feb 5th for my 2 week check up. I am hoping that my HCG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) is back to zero but I think it might take a bit longer than two weeks. I just want my body to get back to normal so we can try again.

Sometimes it seems there is no safe place for an infertile girl. I went to the dentist this week to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist asked how my family was doing. Since I'm the only one in my family of two who goes to him I said "oh I don't have any children" and he said he thought I did. I just no not me. He then proceeded to say how lucky I was and that his two children were such a pain, etc. Then the hygienist chimes in "that is why she gets to go on vacations, etc." I just had to sit in chair and think to myself you people have NO F-ing clue!!! The worst part of the story is my dentist has 2 adopted children because his wife was unable to conceive. You would think someone that had been through that would know better than to make a comment to someone my age without children. Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you will be able to appreciate that story.

As a side note I just wanted to say that I witnessed a small miracle this week. My friend S had to go out of the country on business. She has an adorable tiny poodle named Pip. When the dog sitter came to pick up Pip he got lose and ran away on Tuesday. So many people have been searching for this tiny dog and I even joined the search last night. That is probably the most exercise I've gotten in the past 10 weeks. It seemed so hopeless because he is small, very nervous and he ran quite a distance from home. We had people searching at various times of the day and night and only one spotting yesterday at 10am and again he managed to disappear. Well Pip was caught today by a neighbor and I feel like this is a miracle from God. He answered many prayers and S can finish her business trip in peace. Thank you God for rescuing Pip.

D&C

I woke up yesterday morning and felt at peace with the upcoming procedure. Feeling disappointed is like putting on a comfy pair of pajamas, it is something I'm use to. The happiness I felt for the past 8 weeks is gone but not forgotten.

My mom took me to my appointment and I felt brave until I was filling out the paper work and I had to fill out a form for my county entitled Record of Miscarriage. I think at that moment it really hit me. I wasn't there for an egg retrieval or some other procedure I was there to have my dead baby removed from my uterus.

The D&C went well and I've had very little pain or bleeding. It will take about 3 or 4 weeks for the genetic tissue testing results come back. I laid around resting yesterday. My DH came home early and was here when my mom & I got home. He has been very sweet and seems to be sad. It is hard for me to know how he is really feeling because as a physician he is use to suppressing his feelings.

The outpouring of support both IRL and in blog land has been amazing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family and group of friends. My friend Sunshine came to hang out with me today and watch movies. She even brought an awesome dinner with dessert. I'm going to church tomorrow with my friend S and then I'm treating myself to a hot stones massage.

I just have to keep moving forward and trust in God to get me through this rough time.

No Heartbeat

Today was a very sad day. I went for my ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for this so it didn't come as a total surprise yet I had hoped that God would perform a miracle and save my little baby. The baby only measured at 7 weeks 2 days (last week he measured at 7 weeks 1 day). I am 9 weeks and 4 days today. I've scheduled a D&C for Friday at noon. They will send the tissue to a lab for testing to try to determine the cause of death. Normally this is a genetic issue, however we put back a genetically tested embryo so the cause is a bit of a mystery. It will take 3 - 4 weeks to get the lab results back. There is a 3-10% margin of error with CGH tested embryos. If the embryo comes back genetically normal then I'm not sure how we will proceed. My RE said that we would have to try some different medicines, etc. Two weeks after the D&C I will have to go back for blood work and continue to do this until my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) goes back to zero. It will probably be at least 3 months before I can do another transfer. I would like to do another transfer as soon as possible because I don't want my body to have a chance to reset itself back to its old ways. The only "good" news I heard today is at least I got pregnant and hopefully my body will remember how to do that again. I apologize to my real life friends because this is basically the same e-mail I sent out to earlier today.

I have to compliment my RE's office on the way they handled everything today. Everyone there was so amazing. My RE explained the situation to the ultrasound tech before I was called back so she was super sweet and sympathetic and asked me had my RE explained what we expected to fine. I said yes that I had a good idea. She did the ultrasound very quickly and then ushered me directly to a room (without having to go back to the waiting area). My RE came in and gave me a very big hug and just said how sorry he was. He spend a lot of time with me talking about everything and answered all my questions. He told me that he hoped I didn't blame myself for what had happened because a lot of women think if they would have only done this or that they wouldn't be having a miscarriage. I told him I knew I had done everything in my power to make this happen so no I don't blame myself. He also said that I needed to allow myself to go through the stages of grief. He said he knew I internalized a LOT (which is true) and he had seen more tears from me this past week than he had in the 3 years I've been seeing him. I really hate to cry in front of people and last week I got a tiny bit weepy when I was there but today there were real tears falling freely.

Thanks goes out to my mom who was with me today holding my hand through all of this. I know her heart is breaking just as much as mine and this isn't easy on her either. No parent wants to see their child hurting knowing there is nothing that they can do to ease the pain.

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and sweet thoughts. My heart is broken and I'm very sad and disappointed as you can imagine. Today has been a rough day and I'm sure Friday won't be any better.