Types of Therapy

When you think about it there are a lot of different types of therapy. Over the past two weeks I've had experienced two types. The first one was a trip to San Francisco with my two single girlfriends. We shopped in China town, ate in Little Italy, walked through the Redwood forest, drove to Napa, tasted wine for 2 days straight and then went back to San Fran to visit Alca.traz and walk on the famous Pier. We ate, drank and laughed a LOT and this did my soul good. I rarely thought about not being able to have a child and was able to just enjoy my mini-vacation.

The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.

Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.

I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.

Final Appointment

I had my final follow up appointment with my RE on Friday. The first question he asked me "how are you doing? Really doing?" brought me to tears. I said not too good but I was trying to deal with it the best way I could. I told him we were done with medical intervention and he totally understands. He said that his top suggestion would be for us to do another cycle with donor eggs. He feels he can help me over come the uterine issues. His second recommendation would be for us to do a fresh IVF with CGH testing (same exact cycle we did with IVF#5). The last recommendation is we could go ahead and put back 2 crummy frozen embryos I have in storage. I asked what percentage did I have with those and he said honestly about 20%. The embryo's were PGD tested and tested normal but the were not developing (expanding) properly prior to be frozen. Each one was around 10 cells on day 5 when they should have been at least 100 cells. I have a feeling these would expire once we thawed them out. Still considering what to do with those 2.

It was a nice chat with my RE. He told me he would never retire my file and he would never give up hope on me. He got misty eyed and had to wipe away the tear that threatened to fall as he told me how sorry he was that I miscarried in January and then didn't get pregnant in April (after so many prior failures). He really likes me and my DH and I think he can relate to us. He married his current wife later in life and it took them 5 IVF's to deliver a baby. It was very sad to wrap up the meeting because I've been seeing my RE for 3 1/2 years and he seems like an old friend. He made sure I still had his cell phone number and told me to please call him if I or DH had any questions about anything. Then we hugged and I went to my car and cried.

That night I laid in bed and wept as my DH held me. I just kept telling him this is so hard and I don't understand why it is happening to me. I just can't bare the pain I feel ALL THE TIME. It never leaves me. I can put on my happy mask and fake it at times but it is still there robbing me of a joyous life.

I'm headed to San Francisco tomorrow with 2 of my girlfriends. My friend WW is flying from Hawaii to meet us and my friend Diva is traveling with me. Both girls are single and childfree so it will be nice to be with people who aren't in the same place as me right now. I need a single, carefree weekend in the wine valley with my girls. I hope I can stow away my mask and truly enjoy myself this next 4 days.

Black Cloud Continues to Linger

This black cloud will not go away. I have been suffering from altitude sickness since we got here. We arrived on Sunday and after checking into the hotel we went to the grocery store. When we got back I had a killer headache so my DH told me to lay down for a while and then we would go to dinner. This was at 5:45. I never did get up because my headache would not go away. Poor DH ate trail mix and Oreos for dinner. I woke up feeling better on Monday and we went skiing and had a great day. I had a slight headache but not too bad. We went skiing again yesterday and the conditions were perfect. The picture is of me yesterday and as you can see the sun is shining and it wasn't too cold (around 18-20 degrees). I scheduled a massage yesterday afternoon and I think it unleashed some major toxins. After the massage I felt so nauseous. I got ready for dinner and DH & I went to a yummy Mexican restaurant across from our hotel. We ordered dinner and some made at your table guacamole which is my favorite. By the time it arrived I felt horrible and could not eat. We had to have our dinner (which had not even arrived yet) boxed up to go and I had to come back and get into bed (at 7:45). Poor DH had to eat his dinner in the room. The nausea lasted until around 2am and then a headache replaced it. DH is out skiing this morning while I try to shake off the remains of my headache. Our waitress last night told us about an Oxygen bar near our hotel so I might go check it out later. It is supposed to be good for altitude sickness. I hope to be able to go out and join DH skiing later today.

Also, my period still hasn't started. I'm worried that the minor spotting I experienced last week might have been it or maybe my HGC has to return to zero before it will start. It has been 4 1/2 weeks since the D&C. This is so frustrating because this just delays my next transfer.

Hopefully my next post will be a bit more uplifting.

Black Cloud

I think I have a black cloud hanging over my head. We left the house at 10 a.m. this morning and headed to the airport to start our fabulous ski vacation. Only to return home 7 hours later.

Our flight was delayed an hour and then finally we boarded the plane only to hear an announcement that we were going to be further delayed. Then the pilot announced the delay would be 2 hours and we could get off the plane if we wanted but we would be taking off at 3pm. We decided to get off and sit comfortably in the terminal. An hour later we were asked to go retrieve our belongings from the plane because the flight was cancelled due to bad weather (translated lots & lots of snow in Vail). The good news is we were able to extend our return home by one day and the airline did not charge us for the change. Good news/bad news we were able to get a partial refund on our hotel room for tonight and book an extra night (at full cost) but we will have to switch from a studio to a smaller room. The bad news we had to cancel our rental car with a very low rate and book a new car with a very high rate.

And we get to do it all again tomorrow and the snow continues to fall in Vail. I really hope we get there without any major delays because we really need a vacation!

On a totally different note, my HCG is down to 6.9. I was very disappointed that it hasn't gone back to zero yet. I wonder if this is holding up the start of my period. I have been spotting a little bit all week but no period yet. I'm sure it is waiting until I go on vacation.

Looking Forward

I just looked at the date of my last post and realized it has been over a week since my last post. I can honestly say not too much has been going on lately. I am feeling much better physically and emotionally which is a good thing. I'm sitting around waiting for my period to start so I can move forward with my next transfer.

I met with my doctor today for my failed IVF follow up. Of course I know why the IVF failed because I transferred a CHG tested embryo that had a false negative. It is so sad that after 3 years and many medical procedures I finally get pregnant with a baby that NEVER had a chance to be born. I really am focusing my efforts on moving forward and I am trying very hard to not look backwards.

I do have an upcoming vacation to take my mind off the past month. We are leaving Saturday for a 7 day ski trip in Breckenridge Colorado. I can't wait and I'm sure I'll have lots of lovely snow and mountain pictures to post and some uplifting fun posts next week.

Shrimp, Shrimp & more Shrimp

I went to visit an old friend of mine in South Alabama this weekend. We met in 1990 at work and she moved back to her home in Alabama a few years later but we have always kept in touch. I drove down on Friday afternoon and got there in time for dinner. Amanda made a yummy shrimp bisque for dinner. The next morning we got up and went to the Shrimp Festival in Gulf Shores. The last time I went to this event was about 19 years ago. We had such a good time. We walked around in 80+ degrees and looked at all the awesome vendor booths and of course there were tons of food vendors. I had a basket of fried shrimp and fries. Yum! We took a walk on the beach and dipped our feet in the warm water. Before we left we split a funnel cake. Seriously when was the last time you had a funnel cake? It was just as good as I remembered. That night we went to dinner at the Original Oyster Bar and guess what I had for dinner? More shrimp. The visit flew by and after a home cooked meal with Amanda's in-laws I drove home.

I had a five hour drive home by myself and that gave me a lot of time to think. Amanda has two teenagers and as I looked around her house at all the pictures of her children growing up I thought to myself that is what I want. I want to have cute drawings hanging on my refrigerator, I want pictures of my child sitting on Santa's lap, I want so many things but most of all I want a baby.

I only have 5 weeks left of menopause. I take my last shot next Tuesday and hopefully 4 weeks later I will start the drugs for my transfer. Stay Tuned.

Roatan Vacation Part 2

Our vacation is passing by too fast.  I can't believe it is already Wednesday.  We are having a great time and have been spending a lot more time underwater than above water.  

I've pushed my infertility issues out of my mind for the week but it seems to be surfacing in my subconscious because the last 2 nights I've dreamed I was pregnant.  There is no chance of that happening on this trip since AF followed me on the trip.  So much for a romantic vacation.

We dove a wreck site today and we saw 12 groupers just hanging around.  There was one very friendly grouper who was interested in what I was doing. He was so close I was able to reach out my hand and actually touch him.  As you can see he was huge (about 30 - 40 lbs and 3 feet long).  I normally love to eat grouper but now I will feel guilty the next time I'm in a restaurant and see grouper on the menu.

We will be doing 4 dives tomorrow.  Three during the day and then one night dive.  Those are the best because you see a lot of sea life that normally hides during the day.  It is also feeding time at night and the ocean is a whole different place during the dark.  I'll post again tomorrow.

Roatan Vacation Part 1

We left Atlanta on Saturday for a dive vacation in Roatan (an island off the coast of Honduras).  It is beautiful here and the diving has been amazing.  We came here about 3 years ago during Thanksgiving and it rained every single day.  When our plane landing it started to rain and we both said "oh no not again".  However, it stopped raining, the sun came out and it has been gorgeous ever since.  On Sunday we got up early (the downside to diving) and went for our first dive at 8.15 am.  We saw a crab whose pinches were as thick as my forearms, he could have feed a family of 4.  We also saw a huge green moray eel tucked in a hole but if he had of been swimming he would have been about 6 feet long.  His body was about 25 inches around.   We did a second dive around 11am and a third dive around 2.30.  Day two was the same thing, lots of diving and neat stuff under water.  

Day 3 (today) we did 2 morning dives and then we went around the mountain to different resort to do a dolphin dive.  This resort has a dolphin sanctuary and they have a lot

 of dolphins that live in huge corrals.  They have trained 3 large males to come out to a dive sight and interact with the divers.  When we got there they take you to one of the corrals and introduce you to one of the other dolphins.  You get to touch the dolphin and watch it do some tricks. This is to give you a background on dolphins.  We even got to touch the dolphins teeth.  Little did we know this would be the closest we would get to a dolphin because the dolphin dive was a BUST.  We dove for 45 minutes and the 3 males never joined us.  I guess that goes to show that even though you train a wild animal they are still wild and have a mind of their own.  At least we got a refund.

Our condo is the on the top floor (left side) of this building and is very nice.  We have seen some really pretty hummingbirds and the grounds and pool are incredible. 

Tomorrow will be more diving and a new adventure.