Childfree Living

I’ve been living childfree for the past 42 years so you would think I would be a pro at it by now and I was. That is until I actually decided my life would not be complete without a child. Now I don’t know how to move forward but I really am trying. I signed up for a boot camp that starts June 1 and is 4 nights a week. I somehow managed to talk Sunshine and S into signing up also. I hope we will still be friends when the course is complete. I’m trying to lose the 10 lbs of “no” baby weight I’ve gained over the past 18 months. I’ve also planned a trip to Napa, California in mid June with 2 of my girlfriends. We are planning to send 2 days in San Francisco and 2 days in the Napa/Sonoma area. We have rented a convertible and plan to really enjoy ourselves. This use to be my life – working out, running, trips with my girlfriends – I was a free spirit. Somehow this lifestyle which was so much fun seems hard now. I should be 5 months pregnant right now and planning a nursery not working out and going on a girl’s trip. I wonder when my old life will feel comfortable again???

Gratefulness Blog

My sister posted a comment that basically said I should start a gratefulness journal and that bitterness, resentment and gratefulness could not all reside together. I am here to tell you that they have all become very cozy neighbors. Since my last post was such a downer this will be an uplifting post of things that I am grateful for.

I’m grateful for:

• My very supportive husband. He has been amazing through this process and even though I’ve been upset with him for wanting to discontinue IVF I do understand his reasons
• My parents and family. They offered me so much support and prayers throughout this entire ordeal. They wanted this for me just as much as I wanted it. My mother always rearranged her schedule and took me to almost every retrieval and transfer. She stood with me and my DH the first time we heard the baby’s heart beat and she was with me when there was no heart beat.
• My amazing group of friends who offered words of encouragement and hugs when I needed them most. No one could ask for a better group of friends.
• The strangers who prayed for me to become pregnant and prayed that I would find peace when I was no longer pregnant
• My 2 darling little kitties that could put a smile on my face when no one else could.
• God who has provided me with so many good things in my life. I hope that one day he will provide me with the peace to move forward

There really are so many things that I’m grateful for and I do give thanks to God for everything he has provided for me. I’ve read blogs about girls going through infertility that lose friends and become estranged from their families or their husbands leave them for more fertile women. I’ve read blogs about girls having miscarriages at 20 weeks or having to discontinue IVF because they are in debt and near bankruptcy from spending so much money on IVF. None of these things have happened to me and I’m grateful for that. I always tell myself that it could be worse.

Weekend Distractions

I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.

On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.

Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3^rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.

To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.

I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.

Happy Post

A couple of my IRL friends have mentioned how down I've sounded in my last few posts. This will not be one of those posts. Today is a gorgeous day in Atlanta. The weather is warm and the sun is shining. I met my friend S for brunch and I just got back from my weekly acupuncture session so I'm nice and relaxed. The acupuncturist wants me to do some moving meditation and sitting meditation between now and Tuesday. She had to show me how to do both but it is basically just deep breathing.

My DH repainted our boring dining room last weekend and it looks gorgeous. Before it was just tan/taupe but now it is Blue Lagoon above the chair railing and Luxurious linen below. We haven't moved the furniture back yet because he still needs to repaint he trim.

I plan to go shopping tomorrow for my friend Sunshine's upcoming birthday. I love shopping even when it is for someone else. I do have to admit that it is never 100% for someone else because I always see something that I can't live without.

Everything is going well with my shots, pills and suppositories. Only a few days to go until the BIG day. Cheers!

WAZ UP?

I heard someone say WAZ UP on the radio on this morning and it made me laugh. I haven’t heard that in ages. Things are starting to move along with my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer). I started my period late Sunday evening so I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule my sonohystergram. The nurse scheduled it for Wednesday which I thought was a bit early because I knew I would not be done with my period by then. She said it would be fine. WRONG. I get to the appointment and tell the tech it is cycle day 3 and she said she didn’t think I would be able to have the procedure. UGH! She did the initial exam (wand in the hoo ha to look around) and then went to get the physician’s assistant. The P.A. and nurse came back and said sorry you are still bleeding so we need to push the procedure to Friday. I went back today and the procedure went well. The P.A. was actually able to get the catheter through my cervix without dilating me. I’m glad to have that behind me. I go back April 6^th for my lining check and then later that week for them to put in the dreaded cervical stitch. My transfer is scheduled for April 13^th. We are only planning to put back the one frozen CGH tested embryo.

Yesterday was my DH’s 45^th birthday. Before he got up that morning I said “Happy Birthday” and he said don’t remind me. Since we are planning a nice dinner out on Saturday I just stopped by his favorite pizza place (that doesn’t deliver) and surprised him with a pizza. He was thrilled when he got home and the yummy pizza was waiting for him. He went to get his hair cut after work and I heard him tell his mom on the phone that he got the gray cut out. HA! He has nice white temples and is salt & pepper everywhere else. Right now he is still more pepper than salt. I on the other hand NEVER intend to go gray. That is what I pay my hairdresser buckets of money for.

I went to the movies last night and saw A.lice in Wonder.land in 3D. I highly recommend this movie. It was really good and my friend S and I had fun dodging things in 3D. Tonight my DH & I went to a nice dinner to celebrate his dinner. I was sad to have to skip the cocktails. There is nothing better than a nice glass of wine with a nice meal. However, once I start my fertility meds I stop drinking alcohol and caffeine. At least my DH was able to have a couple of glasses and had a DD to get him home. Cheers!

D&C

I woke up yesterday morning and felt at peace with the upcoming procedure. Feeling disappointed is like putting on a comfy pair of pajamas, it is something I'm use to. The happiness I felt for the past 8 weeks is gone but not forgotten.

My mom took me to my appointment and I felt brave until I was filling out the paper work and I had to fill out a form for my county entitled Record of Miscarriage. I think at that moment it really hit me. I wasn't there for an egg retrieval or some other procedure I was there to have my dead baby removed from my uterus.

The D&C went well and I've had very little pain or bleeding. It will take about 3 or 4 weeks for the genetic tissue testing results come back. I laid around resting yesterday. My DH came home early and was here when my mom & I got home. He has been very sweet and seems to be sad. It is hard for me to know how he is really feeling because as a physician he is use to suppressing his feelings.

The outpouring of support both IRL and in blog land has been amazing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family and group of friends. My friend Sunshine came to hang out with me today and watch movies. She even brought an awesome dinner with dessert. I'm going to church tomorrow with my friend S and then I'm treating myself to a hot stones massage.

I just have to keep moving forward and trust in God to get me through this rough time.

I'm P.U.P.O

P.U.P.O stands for "pregnant until proven otherwise". That is my status right now. I keep repeating it to myself. I had a nice weekend lounging around and being taken care of by my mother and my girlfriends. My mother stayed Friday night and cooked a yummy dinner for us. On Saturday my girlfriend S brought breakfast and hung out with me for a while. She also brought her tiny poodle Pip for a visit. The kitties like to ignore Pip which is funny. On Saturday evening my friend Sunshine brought dinner and a movie. My DH got off good this weekend but he did go do the grocery shopping. On Sunday S came back over and hung out with me and then that evening my dad and stepmother dropped by with some food from a Christmas family gathering that I was unable to attend.

I went back to work today and this week should be relatively stress free. This next weekend will be busy so hopefully I will have enough distractions to keep me from POAS (peeing on a stick). Since I'm home early tonight (no gym for me) I'm actually cooking dinner. I hope my DH doesn't get use to this.

Unexpected Surprises

I received the nicest surprise in the mail on Monday from my friend D that lives in North Carolina. The angel is holding a seashell and on the bottom of the angel it says "thinking of you". This gift could not have come at a better time. I had just come home from visiting my friend J at the hospital. She gave birth to twins (b/g) on Monday after a battle with infertility. I'm so happy for her but it is a painful reminder that I started trying before her and I still have nothing to show for my 3 year battle with infertility. Thanks D for your thoughtfulness.

I went on Tuesday morning for my lining check. I had an ultrasound and my lining measured at 8.3. I'm totally on track for the transfer next Friday. I have to go back on Tuesday for the cervical stitch and discuss how many embryos to thaw out. We are only planning to put one back.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. We are in Daytona Beach Florida spending the holiday with my in-laws and my DH's sisters and 3 year old niece. I'm sure I'll have some stories to blog about later.

Fur Babies

I have 2 darling little fur baby kitties Roxie (black & white female) and Nemo (solid black male). We've had them about 1 1/2 years and they are brother & sister. My question today is how much is too much? We just bought new bedroom furniture in order to upgrade to a king size bed because there wasn't enough room in our queen size bed for all four of us. Does that make me a crazy cat lady? We do love our new furniture and so do the kitties. They think we bought it just for them, oh right, we did.

I went to my last scheduled baby shower today and it went well. No tears this time so I'm making progress. My friend M looked great and has only gained 25 lbs and has 7 weeks to go. She decided not to find out the sex of the baby so it will be a surprise. We all complained because everyone was forced to buy gender neutral gifts. I guess that element of surprise will not come into play for me if I get pregnant because my best 3 frozen embryos are boys. I have 2 girl embryos but they are both slow growers so they will be last ones to put back.

I start my drugs next Sunday and I'm having the stitch put into my cervix on Dec 1st and the transfer will be Dec 4th. The time won't pass by fast enough for me! I'm so ready to take the next step.

The Ball is Rolling (Slowly)

I finally have my calendar for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and it is December 4th. I start my drugs to prepare my uterus on Nov. 15th. It is great to have something to look forward to because it has been a long wait.

On Thursday I'm having a sonohysterogram. For those of you who don't know what this is I'll explain. A sonohysterogram is to detect abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus. The doctor will insert saline through a soft flexible plastic catheter while an ultrasound wand is monitoring the entire thing on a computer screen. The saline is injected into the uterine cavity to separate the walls and allow the doctor to see if any abnormalities exist. I had this done prior to my last transfer in March 2008 and luckily there were no issues. I will also have a "sounding" at the same time. The "sounding" is like a mock transfer to ensure the doctor can insert the same type of catheter that will be used during the actual transfer. I'm praying that all goes well.

Other Happenings & Updates: I decided NOT to go to the shower for the girl that is just an acquaintance. I sent a gift and just said that I had a conflict and could not make it. I decided there was no reason to put myself through the agony of a shower for someone I don't even know that well. I have one more shower to attend on Nov 8th and I adore the mommy-to-be so I look forward to seeing her. She no longer lives in Atlanta but some of her friends here decided to throw her a shower so it will be nice to see her again.

I'll post again after the sonohysterogram on Thursday.

Showers Galore

I've been invited to three baby showers over the next few weeks. Yesterday was the first of the 3 baby showers and it was for a really old friend of mine. I met her the first day of college and she lived next door to me in the dorm. I'm really showing my age but that was 24 years ago (1985). Even thought we no longer live in the same state we have always kept in touch. It was great to see my girlfriend and the shower was nice. I thought I was doing well but as I walked out the door to my car I could feel the tears building up and by the time I got into my car they were pouring down my face. It was much harder than I had imagined and it left me in a major funk the rest of the day. Shower #2 is for a girl that is more of an acquaintance than friend so I will probably just skip that one. I bought a gift and RSVP but now I'm having second thoughts. I will make the final decision based on how I'm feeling.

On the IVF side of things I take my FINAL shot on Tuesday. I'm planning to call my RE's office to see if I can get my schedule for the FET (frozen embryo transfer). According to my schedule it should be the second week of December. I will either have a wonderful Christmas or one that really sucks. I praying for a good one!

I was nominated for an award:

Thanks Rachel for nominating me for this award!

Shrimp, Shrimp & more Shrimp

I went to visit an old friend of mine in South Alabama this weekend. We met in 1990 at work and she moved back to her home in Alabama a few years later but we have always kept in touch. I drove down on Friday afternoon and got there in time for dinner. Amanda made a yummy shrimp bisque for dinner. The next morning we got up and went to the Shrimp Festival in Gulf Shores. The last time I went to this event was about 19 years ago. We had such a good time. We walked around in 80+ degrees and looked at all the awesome vendor booths and of course there were tons of food vendors. I had a basket of fried shrimp and fries. Yum! We took a walk on the beach and dipped our feet in the warm water. Before we left we split a funnel cake. Seriously when was the last time you had a funnel cake? It was just as good as I remembered. That night we went to dinner at the Original Oyster Bar and guess what I had for dinner? More shrimp. The visit flew by and after a home cooked meal with Amanda's in-laws I drove home.

I had a five hour drive home by myself and that gave me a lot of time to think. Amanda has two teenagers and as I looked around her house at all the pictures of her children growing up I thought to myself that is what I want. I want to have cute drawings hanging on my refrigerator, I want pictures of my child sitting on Santa's lap, I want so many things but most of all I want a baby.

I only have 5 weeks left of menopause. I take my last shot next Tuesday and hopefully 4 weeks later I will start the drugs for my transfer. Stay Tuned.

Shot #2

Well 2 down and one to go!  I had my second shot on Tuesday night and it wasn't nearly as painful as shot #1.  

We survived the Georgia floods with only a little water in the basement.  The pictures of the local floods on the news have been unbelievable and quite sad.  There were 9 deaths (one of a two year old boy ripped from his fathers arms by the strong currents).   My county was declared a federal disaster area and yet we escaped from the devastation.  I know this was only by the grace of God.  The picture to the left is of my driveway.

On a happier note, I've been staying busy.  I went to Martinis and IMAX tonight.  The movie was the Living Sea - Get Swept Away, narrated by Meryl Streep.  It was a beautiful film and the soundtrack was written and sung by Sting.  Tomorrow night I am going to see the country band Sugarland at an outdoor venue.  That should be interesting since we have an 80% chance of rain and flash flood warning.  It will be an adventure.

EDIT to my last post:  I do think walking is boring, but wanted to say that my walking partner Sarah is NOT boring - she ROCKS!

Shower

I went to the couples shower for my friend J on Saturday and had a nice time.  It was basically like an adult party, lots of alcohol and yummy party food and a big stack of gifts wrapped in cute baby paper (okay that was the not so normal part of the party).  I just avoided that area of the house so I could continue to pretend like this was just a party.  We stayed about 2 hours and when it came time for the gifts to be opened I chicken out and went home.  I felt bad that I just couldn't stay, but I felt like leaving was in my best interest.  My friend J looked really beautiful with her big twins belly and her pregnancy glow.  She has had a really rough pregnancy so it was nice to see her acting like her normal social self.  She hugged me when I left and told me how much it meant for me to be there and I was happy to have been able to share the evening with her.