Final Appointment

I had my final follow up appointment with my RE on Friday. The first question he asked me "how are you doing? Really doing?" brought me to tears. I said not too good but I was trying to deal with it the best way I could. I told him we were done with medical intervention and he totally understands. He said that his top suggestion would be for us to do another cycle with donor eggs. He feels he can help me over come the uterine issues. His second recommendation would be for us to do a fresh IVF with CGH testing (same exact cycle we did with IVF#5). The last recommendation is we could go ahead and put back 2 crummy frozen embryos I have in storage. I asked what percentage did I have with those and he said honestly about 20%. The embryo's were PGD tested and tested normal but the were not developing (expanding) properly prior to be frozen. Each one was around 10 cells on day 5 when they should have been at least 100 cells. I have a feeling these would expire once we thawed them out. Still considering what to do with those 2.

It was a nice chat with my RE. He told me he would never retire my file and he would never give up hope on me. He got misty eyed and had to wipe away the tear that threatened to fall as he told me how sorry he was that I miscarried in January and then didn't get pregnant in April (after so many prior failures). He really likes me and my DH and I think he can relate to us. He married his current wife later in life and it took them 5 IVF's to deliver a baby. It was very sad to wrap up the meeting because I've been seeing my RE for 3 1/2 years and he seems like an old friend. He made sure I still had his cell phone number and told me to please call him if I or DH had any questions about anything. Then we hugged and I went to my car and cried.

That night I laid in bed and wept as my DH held me. I just kept telling him this is so hard and I don't understand why it is happening to me. I just can't bare the pain I feel ALL THE TIME. It never leaves me. I can put on my happy mask and fake it at times but it is still there robbing me of a joyous life.

I'm headed to San Francisco tomorrow with 2 of my girlfriends. My friend WW is flying from Hawaii to meet us and my friend Diva is traveling with me. Both girls are single and childfree so it will be nice to be with people who aren't in the same place as me right now. I need a single, carefree weekend in the wine valley with my girls. I hope I can stow away my mask and truly enjoy myself this next 4 days.

Childfree Living

I’ve been living childfree for the past 42 years so you would think I would be a pro at it by now and I was. That is until I actually decided my life would not be complete without a child. Now I don’t know how to move forward but I really am trying. I signed up for a boot camp that starts June 1 and is 4 nights a week. I somehow managed to talk Sunshine and S into signing up also. I hope we will still be friends when the course is complete. I’m trying to lose the 10 lbs of “no” baby weight I’ve gained over the past 18 months. I’ve also planned a trip to Napa, California in mid June with 2 of my girlfriends. We are planning to send 2 days in San Francisco and 2 days in the Napa/Sonoma area. We have rented a convertible and plan to really enjoy ourselves. This use to be my life – working out, running, trips with my girlfriends – I was a free spirit. Somehow this lifestyle which was so much fun seems hard now. I should be 5 months pregnant right now and planning a nursery not working out and going on a girl’s trip. I wonder when my old life will feel comfortable again???

Weekend Distractions

I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.

On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.

Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3^rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.

To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.

I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.

Happy Post

A couple of my IRL friends have mentioned how down I've sounded in my last few posts. This will not be one of those posts. Today is a gorgeous day in Atlanta. The weather is warm and the sun is shining. I met my friend S for brunch and I just got back from my weekly acupuncture session so I'm nice and relaxed. The acupuncturist wants me to do some moving meditation and sitting meditation between now and Tuesday. She had to show me how to do both but it is basically just deep breathing.

My DH repainted our boring dining room last weekend and it looks gorgeous. Before it was just tan/taupe but now it is Blue Lagoon above the chair railing and Luxurious linen below. We haven't moved the furniture back yet because he still needs to repaint he trim.

I plan to go shopping tomorrow for my friend Sunshine's upcoming birthday. I love shopping even when it is for someone else. I do have to admit that it is never 100% for someone else because I always see something that I can't live without.

Everything is going well with my shots, pills and suppositories. Only a few days to go until the BIG day. Cheers!

WAZ UP?

I heard someone say WAZ UP on the radio on this morning and it made me laugh. I haven’t heard that in ages. Things are starting to move along with my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer). I started my period late Sunday evening so I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule my sonohystergram. The nurse scheduled it for Wednesday which I thought was a bit early because I knew I would not be done with my period by then. She said it would be fine. WRONG. I get to the appointment and tell the tech it is cycle day 3 and she said she didn’t think I would be able to have the procedure. UGH! She did the initial exam (wand in the hoo ha to look around) and then went to get the physician’s assistant. The P.A. and nurse came back and said sorry you are still bleeding so we need to push the procedure to Friday. I went back today and the procedure went well. The P.A. was actually able to get the catheter through my cervix without dilating me. I’m glad to have that behind me. I go back April 6^th for my lining check and then later that week for them to put in the dreaded cervical stitch. My transfer is scheduled for April 13^th. We are only planning to put back the one frozen CGH tested embryo.

Yesterday was my DH’s 45^th birthday. Before he got up that morning I said “Happy Birthday” and he said don’t remind me. Since we are planning a nice dinner out on Saturday I just stopped by his favorite pizza place (that doesn’t deliver) and surprised him with a pizza. He was thrilled when he got home and the yummy pizza was waiting for him. He went to get his hair cut after work and I heard him tell his mom on the phone that he got the gray cut out. HA! He has nice white temples and is salt & pepper everywhere else. Right now he is still more pepper than salt. I on the other hand NEVER intend to go gray. That is what I pay my hairdresser buckets of money for.

I went to the movies last night and saw A.lice in Wonder.land in 3D. I highly recommend this movie. It was really good and my friend S and I had fun dodging things in 3D. Tonight my DH & I went to a nice dinner to celebrate his dinner. I was sad to have to skip the cocktails. There is nothing better than a nice glass of wine with a nice meal. However, once I start my fertility meds I stop drinking alcohol and caffeine. At least my DH was able to have a couple of glasses and had a DD to get him home. Cheers!

Happy New Year 2010

Happy New Year! I'm 7 weeks pregnant today. I still can't get my head around the fact that I'm actually pregnant. I wake up each morning and thank God for this miracle and the last thing I do each night is thank God again and ask him to keep the baby safe and snuggled into my uterus. The spotting has stopped for now and that is a relief.

I haven't really had any symptoms yet. I hope I will be one of the lucky girls that doesn't get morning sickness. If I wait to long to eat then I might get a tiny bit queasy but that is the only symptom beside being tired. I've actually lost 2lbs since week 5 and I think that is due to eating less junk and sweets. I've been trying to eat healthier (more veggies and less starches). I read that you should only gain between 2 - 4 lbs the first trimester so I have made that my goal. I bought a prenatal yoga DVD and if I get the all clear from my RE on Wednesday then I want to start doing a little light exercise.

Wednesday is the ultrasound to hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm so excited and my husband was able to rearrange his schedule to go with me and my mom. I can't wait to share the experience with everyone.

Shot #2

Well 2 down and one to go!  I had my second shot on Tuesday night and it wasn't nearly as painful as shot #1.  

We survived the Georgia floods with only a little water in the basement.  The pictures of the local floods on the news have been unbelievable and quite sad.  There were 9 deaths (one of a two year old boy ripped from his fathers arms by the strong currents).   My county was declared a federal disaster area and yet we escaped from the devastation.  I know this was only by the grace of God.  The picture to the left is of my driveway.

On a happier note, I've been staying busy.  I went to Martinis and IMAX tonight.  The movie was the Living Sea - Get Swept Away, narrated by Meryl Streep.  It was a beautiful film and the soundtrack was written and sung by Sting.  Tomorrow night I am going to see the country band Sugarland at an outdoor venue.  That should be interesting since we have an 80% chance of rain and flash flood warning.  It will be an adventure.

EDIT to my last post:  I do think walking is boring, but wanted to say that my walking partner Sarah is NOT boring - she ROCKS!

Forgotten Pleasures

When you are going through an IVF cycle there are so many things you have to give up, such as,caffeine, anti-inflammatory drugs, allergy medicines, ALCOHOL, vigorous exercise (such as running) and the list goes on and on.  I refer to this period of time as "being pure".  A friend of mine even went on a special diet that excluded wheat and dairy products.  That was a bit too hard core for me and I've already made so many sacrifices I just couldn't handle the diet on top of everything else.

I recently been reintroducing all the above back into my  life.  I am having a nice ice tea with lunch, I ran 3 miles on Thursday and I then took an anti-inflammatory afterwards and the last two weekends I reintroduced a bit of alcohol back into the mix.  Of course last night I reintroduced a bit too much alcohol to my body and I was paying for it this morning.  I drank a ton of water and I'm feeling better now.  When I went for my weekly acupuncture visit this afternoon I didn't mention the alcohol because my acupuncturist frown on alcohol consumption.  

A quick update as to the status of things: I'm still taking my daily Lupron shot and I'm taking Estrace pills twice a day.  By my estimates the biopsy will be around August 12 or 13th, right before our holiday.

Birthday Wishes Do Come True

I had a fantastic birthday weekend.  It started with dinner on Friday night with my girlfriends.  Thanks girls for the wonderful dinner and yummy margaritas - cheers!  Then on Saturday night my hubby took me for a nice romantic dinner and he even bought me a sweet romantic card (not typical for him).  My weekend ended with my mom going to church with me, then brunch at Flying Biscuit and a funny play at Ansley Park Playhouse called Sunday at Loehmans.

My birthday wish that came true was I got a phone call right when I was walking out the door to church from my RE.  The results from the CGH testing came back.  We have 2 normal embryos out of the seven that were tested.  Unbelievable!  I am on cloud nine with this news.  This is such a sign of encouragement from God.

The next big hurdle is to get my uterine lining corrected.  This is the last major issue I'm dealing with before I get the green light to transfer the embryos back into my uterus.  I will have a biopsy in about 25-27 days and it will take about 3 weeks for the test results to come back.  I'm still doing my daily shot of Lupron and I will start taking Estrace this week (natural estrogen tablets).  My RE is hoping that the mock transfer drugs will correct the issues with my lining.  I guess I 'll know if it works in about 5 or six weeks.

Below is me celebrating one more year!

The F Word

In my house the bad "F" word is forty or in my case 40 something.   Today is my birthday and I'm one year older and one more year into my advanced maternal age.  The older you get the less time you have for baby making.

Pregnancy rates over the course of one year)

Source: Management of the Infertile Woman by Helen A. Carcio and The Fertility Sourcebook by M. Sara Rosenthal

A woman's fertility starts to measurably decline around age 27, due to the depletion and aging of her eggs. For those under 30, it's estimated that the chance of getting pregnant in any one cycle is 20% to 30%. By age 40, it falls to 5%, according to the American Fertility Association.

Those are some scary rates.  At age 42 I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant naturally and given all my problems I doubt I could ever get pregnant without major medical intervention.  I know God can work miracles and I hope with him and the wonderful advancements in medicine I'll reach that goal sooner rather than later.

I'm off to get ready and go out with the girls for a fun night of food, margaritas and a little live music.  The hubby is taking me to a posh restaurant tomorrow night.  I plan to spend this weekend focusing on me and not my infertility.

I wanted to post a shout out to my wonderful parents.  I'm lucky enough to have 2 full sets and I thank God for giving me such wonderful parents.  I hope when I do have a baby I can be as wonderful to my child as my parents have been to me.  I love you very much.