Weird Week

Last week was a weird week. On Tuesday I got a call from my ex-sister in-law that my ex-mother-in-law had passed away after a 3 year illness. I’ve been divorced for 16 years but she said that my ex husband had asked her to call me and let me know. She invited me to the viewing that night. The phone call seemed surreal and the reason my ex didn’t call was because his 2^nd wife doesn’t approve of him being friends with me. I would only talk to him a few times a year but for some odd reason she was jealous that we maintained contact. For those of you that don’t know me IRL (in real life) I meet my ex husband when I was 15 years old at a teen “nightclub”. I know how cheesy this sounds now. We lived about an hour apart but started dating and continued to date the last 3 years of high school and then the 4 years I was away at college. We were married about 5 months after I graduated from college and after dating 7 years we were only married 4 years. Looking back I think we only got married because after dating so long it was “the thing to do”. We parted ways amicably and for a few years I maintained contact with his mother but as time moved forward we lost touch. I have to say that going to the funeral home and seeing his entire family and his best friend was so strange. I had not seen his father, step father and one sister since our divorce. I had not seen my ex husband in about 10 years. In some ways I felt like I was stepping back in time. I have 11 years of memories with his family yet so much has changed with them over the past 16 years. I also got to meet the new Mrs which was interesting. She was cordial to me but it was almost funny to see her standing close and guarding “her man”. As if I have any interest in snagging him up for a 2^nd round. I am sorry that the world has lost a wonderful woman and mother.

On a much happier note, I started my Lupron injections on Thursday. It is funny that taking a daily injection in the stomach can cause so much happiness. I do have to admit that for the first 2 days I was quite irritable. I told my acupuncturist this on Saturday so she made some adjustments that have hopefully improved my mood. I know my DH hopes it is improved.

I went Saturday to see the movie Re.mem.ber Me, if you haven’t seen this movie I would suggest you take some Kleenex. I was glad the theater was at the mall because I needed some serious retail therapy to lift my mood (and a glass of wine with dinner).

THIS WEEK

I had my endometrial biopsy/scratch test this morning. It went well and I’m so glad to have that behind me. I think every single one is worse than the one before (with the exception of the time they dropped the biopsy and had to repeat the process). I found out that my RE wants to do a sonohysterogram which is an ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy. I have to wait for my period to start and then wait until all bleeding is done before I can have this done. I will remain on the Lupron shots but won’t be able to begin the Estrace until I have this procedure. This will probably delay my transfer 5 days but my RE wants to do everything possible to ensure I get pregnant again.

I am planning to enjoy the increase in daylight this week and actually get some exercise outdoors. I apologize for slacking off on the blog lately but there really hasn’t been much of interest going on. As things move forward I’ll have more to blog about.

Ingenious Plan

I apologize for being M.I.A. lately but after we got home from the ski trip I was slammed at work and all I've had the energy for was to read other people's blogs.

My period never started. My RE said it should start about 4 weeks after the D&C. About 25 days after the D&C I started spotting but I never got anything even remotely close to full flow. I began to wonder if the spotting was all there was going to be since I bled so heavily a week after the D&C. I was devastated at the thought of losing another month so I came up with an ingenious plan. I sent "the ingenious plan" to my nurse to ask my RE. The plan was to POAS on ovulation sticks and after I got a positive I would consider that cycle day 14 and start the Lupron shots 7 days later. My RE agreed to my plan. The first day I POAS I got a positive ovulation stick and the next day I got a darker stick, the third day it was stark white so I now had a "cycle day 14". I can't believe I almost missed it. I start my Lupron shots on Thursday and after 10-14 days I should "bleed" and then I will start the Estrace followed up with Progesterone suppositories. I forgot to mention that between day 24 - 26 (March 21-23) my RE wants to do an endometrial biopsy (scratch test). The main purpose of this is to irritate the uterine lining because studies have shown that this increases blood flow to the uterus and can aid in implantation. Of all the things I've had done in the past this is one of the most painful. That being said at this point I will do almost anything to get pregnant.

Aimee - if you are still reading my blog and would like to discuss the enlarged yolk sack in more detail please leave your e-mail in the comments section or leave a note and I can provide you with my e-mail address. I hope things turned out well for you. I had a lot of problems finding much information on the internet regarding this issue.

Pity Party

Today was back to reality day.  Back to work and back to facing the fact that I'm infertile.  It is so easy to forget all your worries when you are on a fabulous vacation.  Even though I was receiving my shot each morning while on vacation I just pushed everything else to the back of my mind.  Yesterday I started thinking about the biopsy results and when they might come back and hopefully it would be by the end of this week, etc.  Well I got a call TODAY and the results were back and they were ABNORMAL - again.  I was so crushed.  My doctor left a message with the results and requested I call him back.  He even gave me his cell phone number to contact him.  I'm glad I had time to process the results before I actually spoke to him.  I got up and shut my office door and had a little cry before I called him back. 

 At this point I have two options 1. medical menopause (induced with 1 Lupron Depot shot each month for 3 months) or 2. use a surrogate.  That's it.  Neither of us wants to use a surrogate so I'm going to do the 3 months of menopause - AGAIN.  I will take my first shot on Wednesday (if the pharmacy gets it in time).  One shot is $650.00 and not covered by insurance.  I know I should not complain because so much of our infertility has been covered by insurance which has been a real blessing.  It is so hard for me to understand why I cannot catch a break.  I've given up so much and sacrificed so much and it feels like it has all been for nothing.  I'm no closer to getting pregnant than I was on the day we started trying to conceive.  I have 3 perfect frozen embryos and a crappy uterus.  I've been doing weekly acupuncture since November (also not covered by insurance) and my uterus doesn't seem to be any better, however I did get some nice embryos after I started going regularly so I guess it hasn't been a total waste.  

I'm having a pity party for one tonight.  I just feel so beaten down, discouraged and really let down by God.  There are so many people praying for me and I'm praying for a miracle and it just seems to be falling on deaf ears.  I know God has a plan for me but I really feel like it doesn't include a family of my own.

I'm going back to my pity party which doesn't include cake and ice cream.  Maybe it should. 

Biopsy Bliss

I had the biopsy today for the EFT (endometrial function test).  The biopsy will be sent via FedEX to the doctor at Yale that created the test.  The results should be back in 2-3 weeks and I'm praying for a normal test result.

I'm going to explain how the biopsy is performed so if you are squeamish you might want to skip this part.  First thing after the speculum was inserted the doctor sprayed my cervix with a numbing spray.  This spray burns really bad to the point my toes were curling and I was moaning "Holy Cow That HURTS", the next step is when the doctor says okay now you will feel a little pinch as he inserts a needle full of numbing medicine into the cervix.  A little pinch is a gross understatement.  As this happened I was moaning "this REALLY hurts".  The spray was in order to allow him to give me the injection.  I cannot even imagine what this test would be like if I wasn't numbed up.  After everything is numb he then inserts a long 16 inch plastic tube through the cervix into the uterus and pinches off a bit of the uterus.  The minute that tube hits the cervix there is a revolt by the cervix and it starts to cramp.  And I mean really cramp.  I'm about to hyperventilate while I try to take some deep breaths and he tells me to count to 10 really slow.  Then it is over.  Just like that.  The cramping lasts about 5 more minutes and I'm done.  Thank God for small miracles.  I went and had some lunch and then went back to work.

After reading that description I hope you get a realization of just what I went through because this next bit is about the last biopsy I had back in June.  I went through all of the above steps and right after the doctor handed the nurse the biopsy in a little cup I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye.  I immediately said "did you just drop that?" and she had.  A little piece of my uterus was laying on the floor in a puddle of stinking preservation liquid.  YES the test had to be repeated (minus the numbing spray & shot).  The nurse said that was the first time anything like that had happened to her and she was almost in tears as she went to get another little container for round 2.  That same nurse today asked someone else to assist with the biopsy because she still felt so bad about what happened.  

The only good thing that happened today was I get to stop the messy progesterone suppositories and the estrace (estrogen) pills.  I have to continue with my morning shot of Lupron because hopefully the test will come back normal and I will be able to transfer the embryos back to my uterus in September.

Quotes to Remember

I read this quote yesterday and it seemed appropriate for everything I've been going through.

I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow.  It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us. ~ Dorothy Dix

My biopsy is tomorrow and I'm really trying not to dread it (even though I know it is really painful).  I'm trying to not be scared about what the results might be.  I've been praying constantly for the results to be normal so I can proceed with the embryo transfer in September.

I'll post again tomorrow and let everyone know how it goes.

I took the below picture in my back yard.  We have a brick wall and this "flower" was growing in the middle of it.  It just goes to show no matter how impossible something seems the impossible can happen.  I think this is God's way of reminding me that it only takes one little seed to grow something beautiful.

Biopsy Bound

I went for blood work today and my E2 rose to 190 so I am starting the next step of the process tonight which is the progesterone suppositories.  I am now taking an injection in the morning, 2 pill orally 3 times a day and 1 suppository vaginally 3 times a day.  I think I've got all my bases covered now.  I have the alarm set on my phone to remind me of all the stuff I need to do and when I need to do it.

The big bad biopsy is scheduled for next Wednesday August 12th.  For those of you that are my prayer warriors, please pray that the results come back normal so I can do the embryo transfer in September.  If for some reason the results come back abnormal then I will have to do one injection a month of Lupron Depot for 3 months.  This is NOT FUN!  The monthly injection puts me into menopause and while not having a period for 3 months is great, the hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings are NOT worth the trade off.  I now know what menopause feels like and I'm not looking forward to it.  (The reason I know this is I did the Lupron Depot injections last summer).   Last summer during my last month of medical menopause we went on an Alaskan cruise.  I was probably the only woman under the age of 50 standing on her private balcony in her bra & panties trying to cool down.  My husband got a kick out of that, while he stayed in the heated cabin under a blanket.

Stings like a Bee

Have you ever been stung by a bee?  It really hurts!  It is amazing that something so small can inflict so much pain.  That is what Thursday felt like to me.  We had cake day at work to celebrate all the July birthdays and since my birthday was in July I felt obligated to go have a piece of cake.  I saw a girl that had just returned from maternity leave and I asked her how her new baby was doing.  Her response was "he's a pain in the ass".  I'm not making this up.  How do you even respond to that?  I wanted to shake her and say "be thankful, he is a gift from God".  Maybe she was tired or having a bad day, who knows.  She told me it took her 10 years to get pregnant with her first child (no medical intervention) and then six months after giving birth she was knocked up again.  You would think that someone that went that long childless would be even more thankful for their children.  

Then later in the same day I saw a girl in my division who is normally slim and wears fitted outfits wearing something quite baggy.  I asked another girl if E was pregnant and she said yes she is 3 months along.  About four months ago a girl brought in her new baby to show him off and we were all standing around cooing over him when E said we want to have another baby and I'm going to have my IUD taken out next month.  I swear E got pregnant the day after having her IUD taken out.  UGH!  Some days I feel like I cannot catch a break.  I know life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah.  But it does feel a bit like being stung like a bee.  Painful.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my blood work and ultrasound.  My lining measured at 8.8 which is really good, but my estrogen level was only 125 and my doctor wants it to be around 175 - 200 before I start the progesterone.  I have to go back on Tuesday for another blood draw and then I'll know if I can start the progesterone.  I certainly hope so because we are leaving for vacation on Aug 15 and I NEED to have the biopsy before we leave town.

Yesterday's History and Tomorrow's a Mystery

I'm just dropping in to say nothing much is going on right now.  I'm still talking my Estrace pills and Lupron injections every day.  I just looked at the calendar and realized I've had at least one injection every day for almost 60 days.  Wow, that is a lot of shots.  My DH comes in every morning on his way out the door and gives me my morning injection along with a kiss goodbye.  I barely even wake up when he gives me the injection.  How sad is that.  

I have an appointment on Friday morning for blood work and an ultrasound to determine if I'm ready to start progesterone suppositories (yuck).  This will be the last drug that I have to introduce into the "mix" in order to get my body ready for the biopsy.  This protocol will be the same one I'll be on before transferring the embryos back into my uterus.  

I'll check back on Friday with an update.

Forgotten Pleasures

When you are going through an IVF cycle there are so many things you have to give up, such as,caffeine, anti-inflammatory drugs, allergy medicines, ALCOHOL, vigorous exercise (such as running) and the list goes on and on.  I refer to this period of time as "being pure".  A friend of mine even went on a special diet that excluded wheat and dairy products.  That was a bit too hard core for me and I've already made so many sacrifices I just couldn't handle the diet on top of everything else.

I recently been reintroducing all the above back into my  life.  I am having a nice ice tea with lunch, I ran 3 miles on Thursday and I then took an anti-inflammatory afterwards and the last two weekends I reintroduced a bit of alcohol back into the mix.  Of course last night I reintroduced a bit too much alcohol to my body and I was paying for it this morning.  I drank a ton of water and I'm feeling better now.  When I went for my weekly acupuncture visit this afternoon I didn't mention the alcohol because my acupuncturist frown on alcohol consumption.  

A quick update as to the status of things: I'm still taking my daily Lupron shot and I'm taking Estrace pills twice a day.  By my estimates the biopsy will be around August 12 or 13th, right before our holiday.

Birthday Wishes Do Come True

I had a fantastic birthday weekend.  It started with dinner on Friday night with my girlfriends.  Thanks girls for the wonderful dinner and yummy margaritas - cheers!  Then on Saturday night my hubby took me for a nice romantic dinner and he even bought me a sweet romantic card (not typical for him).  My weekend ended with my mom going to church with me, then brunch at Flying Biscuit and a funny play at Ansley Park Playhouse called Sunday at Loehmans.

My birthday wish that came true was I got a phone call right when I was walking out the door to church from my RE.  The results from the CGH testing came back.  We have 2 normal embryos out of the seven that were tested.  Unbelievable!  I am on cloud nine with this news.  This is such a sign of encouragement from God.

The next big hurdle is to get my uterine lining corrected.  This is the last major issue I'm dealing with before I get the green light to transfer the embryos back into my uterus.  I will have a biopsy in about 25-27 days and it will take about 3 weeks for the test results to come back.  I'm still doing my daily shot of Lupron and I will start taking Estrace this week (natural estrogen tablets).  My RE is hoping that the mock transfer drugs will correct the issues with my lining.  I guess I 'll know if it works in about 5 or six weeks.

Below is me celebrating one more year!

Big Bad Biopsy

It has taken me almost a week to write this post about my abnormal biopsy.  Please forgive me in advance for the length of this post but a little background is needed.  IVF #1 we had 6 lovely embryos and due to my age (40 at the time) Dr. Terrific decided we should put them all back.  After the long TTW (two weeks wait) we got a BFN (big fat negative).  We decided to move forward with IVF #2 but this time we were going to do PGD (genetic) testing on the embryos.  We had 12 embryos that made it to day 3 and only 2 that tested normal.  We put these 2 back with high hopes and got another BFN.  At this point my Dr. Terrific decided we should do a biopsy of my lining to see if maybe that was the problem.  I did and EFT (endometrial function test) which is sent to Harvey Kliman at Yale Medical Center.  This test the endometrium’s potential to support implantation.  Mine came back abnormal.  The treatment for this was one Lupron Depot shot once a month for three months.  This is not to be confused with regular Lupron.  The Lupron Depot was heavy duty and sends you into menopause.  I now know what I have to look forward to when I get older and it isn’t going to be pleasant.  BTW I did the menopause during the summer.  Hot flashes in 90 degree temperatures are not a good thing.

After the 3 months we immediately did IVF #3.  This cycle looked promising.  I had 28 eggs retrieved, 19 were mature, and 14 were fertilized.  We immediately froze 7 and did PGD testing on the remaining 7.  All came back abnormal.  That was a shocker.  The next month we thawed out the 7 we had left and 5 made it through the thaw.  We did PGD testing on those and an even bigger shocker all were abnormal.  I was devastated to say the least.  I picked myself up and started doing regular weekly acupuncture (I had been doing it but only for a few weeks before each cycle).  I decided to give that 3 months and then move forward to IVF #4. 

 In March 2009 I did IVF #4.  My plan was to do PGD testing and then immediately freeze the embryos so that I could repeat the biopsy the following month.  The PGD yielded 2 normals and 1 that “appears to be normal”.  I was so happy until I spoke to the embryologist and found out that 2 of the 3 were slow growers and probably would not survive.  That basically left us with ONE good/normal embryo.  I moved forward with the biopsy and decided to do one FINAL IVF to try to get at least one more good/normal embryo so that we could put back 2 normals.   

Then the bomb dropped when the biopsy came back abnormal.  I have to admit I wasn’t totally surprised but I guess I didn’t realize the impact of what this meant.  Dr. Terrific said we could do one of three things.  1.  Nothing and put back the embryos.  2. Mock transfer cycle with medicines and repeat the biopsy to see if that makes a difference.  3.  Use someone else’s uterus (a surrogate).  WHAT?  I don’t want to use someone else’s uterus.  I want to use mine!  I want mine fixed.  If only it were that easy. 

 I have decided after IVF# 5 that I will be choosing option #2.  There will be more to follow on this subject as time progresses.  I do apologize for the length of this post but now everyone is caught up.