Types of Therapy

When you think about it there are a lot of different types of therapy. Over the past two weeks I've had experienced two types. The first one was a trip to San Francisco with my two single girlfriends. We shopped in China town, ate in Little Italy, walked through the Redwood forest, drove to Napa, tasted wine for 2 days straight and then went back to San Fran to visit Alca.traz and walk on the famous Pier. We ate, drank and laughed a LOT and this did my soul good. I rarely thought about not being able to have a child and was able to just enjoy my mini-vacation.

The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.

Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.

I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.

GYN Meltdown

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!

Ingenious Plan

I apologize for being M.I.A. lately but after we got home from the ski trip I was slammed at work and all I've had the energy for was to read other people's blogs.

My period never started. My RE said it should start about 4 weeks after the D&C. About 25 days after the D&C I started spotting but I never got anything even remotely close to full flow. I began to wonder if the spotting was all there was going to be since I bled so heavily a week after the D&C. I was devastated at the thought of losing another month so I came up with an ingenious plan. I sent "the ingenious plan" to my nurse to ask my RE. The plan was to POAS on ovulation sticks and after I got a positive I would consider that cycle day 14 and start the Lupron shots 7 days later. My RE agreed to my plan. The first day I POAS I got a positive ovulation stick and the next day I got a darker stick, the third day it was stark white so I now had a "cycle day 14". I can't believe I almost missed it. I start my Lupron shots on Thursday and after 10-14 days I should "bleed" and then I will start the Estrace followed up with Progesterone suppositories. I forgot to mention that between day 24 - 26 (March 21-23) my RE wants to do an endometrial biopsy (scratch test). The main purpose of this is to irritate the uterine lining because studies have shown that this increases blood flow to the uterus and can aid in implantation. Of all the things I've had done in the past this is one of the most painful. That being said at this point I will do almost anything to get pregnant.

Aimee - if you are still reading my blog and would like to discuss the enlarged yolk sack in more detail please leave your e-mail in the comments section or leave a note and I can provide you with my e-mail address. I hope things turned out well for you. I had a lot of problems finding much information on the internet regarding this issue.

A Stitch in Mine

WARNING: Daddy skip this post - please

I went to the RE yesterday for my cervical stitch. My appointment was at 7.30 am - not the best way to start a Tuesday morning. I knew I was in trouble when the nurse kept saying "Oh, I'm sorry you have to have this. Yikes! Step 1 - spray the cervix with acid (I mean numbing spray). Step 2 - inject the cervix multiple times with numbing solution. However cervix isn't yet numb from spray so I felt the injections. Step 3 - put in stitch which involved lots of tugging and pressure. Done. My RE said that he was going to leave the thread long so it would be easy to remove on the day of the transfer. He said it would be like a tampon string and not to worry about it. I asked him if I could still work out because I didn't want to do anything to bust the stitch. I ONLY asked about working out but his response was you can work out, have inter.course (his word not mine), do most anything and not bust the stitch.

Fast forward to lunch time. I met my girlfriend JG for lunch and excused myself to run to the restroom. As I finished up I noticed not 1 but 2 cobalt blue 5 inch strings hanging out of my whoo-ha. I was NOT expecting that! I told JG I don't know what the RE was thinking when he said I could have s.e.x because what if those strings got wrapped around DH's joystick. I can only imagine that 911 call.

Everything is set for the transfer on Friday. I went to acupuncture on Monday and I'm going again tomorrow and then again Friday after the transfer. There went those new boots I saw at DSW today.

I want to take a moment to thank all the people that are praying for me. Just knowing how many people are praying for me fills my heart with love and joy. Thank you.

Same Story - Different Nephew

I had a lovely pre-Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's house today. I even baked a broccoli casserole to take with us. It was a lovely day and all of my family was there, including my niece who lives in Tennessee (her husband is in the Army) and my nephew who is in the Army in North Carolina. It was nice to be together and I got to hold my 19 year old nephew's 3 month old baby. She is a darling little girl with big eyes and a sweet disposition. As I looked at that little miracle my heart skipped a beat or two thinking that maybe this time next year that will be me.

As the day came to an end and just a few of us were sitting in the living room my sister R said guess who's pregnant. Only my married niece and unmarried 21 year old nephew were in the room. I of course looked at my niece as my nephew's girlfriend raised her hand. WHAT?? I was in shock (which probably saved me from bursting into tears right away). After the shock wore off I had to excuse myself so I could have a mini cry in the bathroom. I felt like someone had slammed me in the heart with a sledgehammer. Both my sister's hugged me tight when I came back in the room and said how sorry they were. My nephew is in college on a baseball scholarship with a promising future as a professional baseball player. I know my sister R is crushed because this of course changes everything. They both have 3 semesters of college left but the baby will be here in July so I have no idea what will happen now. Every baby is a miracle and gift from God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, but could the timing be any worse for them? I feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. Really. My brother & nephew both had a baby this year and now my other nephew is expecting. 3 new babies are entering my family in 1 year and I'm about to enter my 3rd year of just trying to get pregnant. No one ever said life was fair.

Yesterday's History and Tomorrow's a Mystery

I'm just dropping in to say nothing much is going on right now.  I'm still talking my Estrace pills and Lupron injections every day.  I just looked at the calendar and realized I've had at least one injection every day for almost 60 days.  Wow, that is a lot of shots.  My DH comes in every morning on his way out the door and gives me my morning injection along with a kiss goodbye.  I barely even wake up when he gives me the injection.  How sad is that.  

I have an appointment on Friday morning for blood work and an ultrasound to determine if I'm ready to start progesterone suppositories (yuck).  This will be the last drug that I have to introduce into the "mix" in order to get my body ready for the biopsy.  This protocol will be the same one I'll be on before transferring the embryos back into my uterus.  

I'll check back on Friday with an update.

The F Word

In my house the bad "F" word is forty or in my case 40 something.   Today is my birthday and I'm one year older and one more year into my advanced maternal age.  The older you get the less time you have for baby making.

Pregnancy rates over the course of one year)

Source: Management of the Infertile Woman by Helen A. Carcio and The Fertility Sourcebook by M. Sara Rosenthal

A woman's fertility starts to measurably decline around age 27, due to the depletion and aging of her eggs. For those under 30, it's estimated that the chance of getting pregnant in any one cycle is 20% to 30%. By age 40, it falls to 5%, according to the American Fertility Association.

Those are some scary rates.  At age 42 I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant naturally and given all my problems I doubt I could ever get pregnant without major medical intervention.  I know God can work miracles and I hope with him and the wonderful advancements in medicine I'll reach that goal sooner rather than later.

I'm off to get ready and go out with the girls for a fun night of food, margaritas and a little live music.  The hubby is taking me to a posh restaurant tomorrow night.  I plan to spend this weekend focusing on me and not my infertility.

I wanted to post a shout out to my wonderful parents.  I'm lucky enough to have 2 full sets and I thank God for giving me such wonderful parents.  I hope when I do have a baby I can be as wonderful to my child as my parents have been to me.  I love you very much.