Shrimp, Shrimp & more Shrimp

I went to visit an old friend of mine in South Alabama this weekend. We met in 1990 at work and she moved back to her home in Alabama a few years later but we have always kept in touch. I drove down on Friday afternoon and got there in time for dinner. Amanda made a yummy shrimp bisque for dinner. The next morning we got up and went to the Shrimp Festival in Gulf Shores. The last time I went to this event was about 19 years ago. We had such a good time. We walked around in 80+ degrees and looked at all the awesome vendor booths and of course there were tons of food vendors. I had a basket of fried shrimp and fries. Yum! We took a walk on the beach and dipped our feet in the warm water. Before we left we split a funnel cake. Seriously when was the last time you had a funnel cake? It was just as good as I remembered. That night we went to dinner at the Original Oyster Bar and guess what I had for dinner? More shrimp. The visit flew by and after a home cooked meal with Amanda's in-laws I drove home.

I had a five hour drive home by myself and that gave me a lot of time to think. Amanda has two teenagers and as I looked around her house at all the pictures of her children growing up I thought to myself that is what I want. I want to have cute drawings hanging on my refrigerator, I want pictures of my child sitting on Santa's lap, I want so many things but most of all I want a baby.

I only have 5 weeks left of menopause. I take my last shot next Tuesday and hopefully 4 weeks later I will start the drugs for my transfer. Stay Tuned.

Shot #2

Well 2 down and one to go!  I had my second shot on Tuesday night and it wasn't nearly as painful as shot #1.  

We survived the Georgia floods with only a little water in the basement.  The pictures of the local floods on the news have been unbelievable and quite sad.  There were 9 deaths (one of a two year old boy ripped from his fathers arms by the strong currents).   My county was declared a federal disaster area and yet we escaped from the devastation.  I know this was only by the grace of God.  The picture to the left is of my driveway.

On a happier note, I've been staying busy.  I went to Martinis and IMAX tonight.  The movie was the Living Sea - Get Swept Away, narrated by Meryl Streep.  It was a beautiful film and the soundtrack was written and sung by Sting.  Tomorrow night I am going to see the country band Sugarland at an outdoor venue.  That should be interesting since we have an 80% chance of rain and flash flood warning.  It will be an adventure.

EDIT to my last post:  I do think walking is boring, but wanted to say that my walking partner Sarah is NOT boring - she ROCKS!

Tanning Bed?

I was at the gym on Wednesday and my trainer said "have you been in the tanning bed?"  I said "no, why am I red?"  He said "yes" and I said "well I'm having a hot flash".  My neck and chest were beet red and I felt like I was on fire from the inside out.  He then asked me if it was because I was old or because of the medicine.  As I punched him in his big bicep, I said it is the medicine.  It is really funny because he knows everything going on with me in my quest to get pregnant.  He even explained to a mutual friend of mine that I was going through menopause right now and she asked why and he said because I had a hostile uterus that I was trying to correct.

The other bad side effects I've been experiencing are headaches, trouble sleeping and night sweats.  I had a really bad headache last night that turned into a migraine and caused me to be late to work.  I would have loved to call in sick but I had way to much that needed to be done.  Luckily my darling doctor husband loaded me up with drugs and I was able to drag myself to work.

Tomorrow is the couples shower for my friend J that is pregnant with twins.  I visited with J on Monday and when I mentioned that one of the kitties nibbled off the corner of her gift she said are you really coming to the shower because I would totally understand if you couldn't handle it.  I told her I was planning to come and she burst into tears and told me that it meant so much to her because she knew how hard this would be.  I'm so glad that she understands and it makes me really want to do this for her.  Maybe the acupuncturist can work a little magic on me to keep my emotions under control.  At least my hubby will be there with me (and my friend Sarah).

The 1/2 marathon is less than one month away.  (The one I'm walking).   Sarah & I had a practice walk on Saturday and we did quite well.  We walked 11 1/2 miles in 3 hours.  It was fun but I got a huge blister on my heel.  Unbelievable.  I ran a marathon and didn't get a blister like the one I just got.  It seems to be much better and I put some different insoles in my shoes so hopefully I will have better luck this week.  I walked 5 miles last night and my feet felt fine.

Thanks to all those who have served or are currently serving our country in the armed forces.  I have 2 nephews that are in the Army and I'm so very proud of them.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

The hot flashes have begun.  They are so strange, it feels like you are heating up from the inside out.  It seems like the last time I went through medical menopause that nothing really happened in the first month.  I've only had a couple of flashes but I can tell the "fun" is just around the corner.

It is hard having an infertility blog and nothing related going on.  I guess this will just be a ME blog for the next 3 months.  I hope I don't bore everyone to death over the next 3 months.  It was nice to have an extra day off this weekend.  I didn't do much but I did get to visit my friend J that is pregnant with twins.  It is bittersweet to see her.  She and I were running partners and we use to work together.  We spent many hours together running and training for our 1/2 marathons and then our full marathon.  We would run together at least 4 days every week.  Then I started trying to get pregnant in January 2007 and she started in May 2007.  Nothing happened for either one of us.  I went to see an RE and a few months later she followed behind me to see the same RE.  After her first unsuccessful IVF she decided to go to the famous Colorado clinic and now she is 22 weeks pregnant with twins.  I could not more thrilled for her but we both hoped to be able to go through this together and have our babies at the same time.  She is due to deliver the same month that I have my transfer - December.  Her baby shower is this weekend and I'm planning to attend.  I was not able to attend my sister-in-laws shower because I was so raw from IVF #3.  My friend J is having an evening couples shower and since I get to take my husband with me I think it will be okay.  

Stop Thinking

Stop Thinking.  This was the advice I got from my acupuncturist yesterday after I told her everything I was going through right now.  I told her that I felt discouraged and sad about how bad my uterus was and the fact that I have to do 3 months of menopause.  She said that I needed to trust the doctors and spend the next 3 months reading books and maybe planning a trip.  She also said that I could talk to her when I felt bad.   Another friend of mine suggested going to see a therapist but I don't think I'm at that stage just yet.  I'm not really sure what anyone could say to me to make me feel better or enlighten me.  It is what it is.  I've just entered menopause and I need to find a way to make the next 3 months pass by quickly.

Speaking of passing the time away I am planning to walk a 1/2 marathon in October.  You have to be able to walk at 16 minute mile pace or a bus will pick you up if you are unable to maintain that pace.  Talk about an incentive to walk quickly.  I walked 5 miles yesterday at an average pace of 14.40 and that was with some nice hills thrown in.  It will be a new experience to walk in a "race" since in my life before IF (infertility) I was a runner.  I've actually run 4 1/2 marathons (with a finish time always just under 2 hours) and I ran the Marine Corp marathon in Washington DC in 2006.  Now I'm off to pass a little time away.

Pity Party

Today was back to reality day.  Back to work and back to facing the fact that I'm infertile.  It is so easy to forget all your worries when you are on a fabulous vacation.  Even though I was receiving my shot each morning while on vacation I just pushed everything else to the back of my mind.  Yesterday I started thinking about the biopsy results and when they might come back and hopefully it would be by the end of this week, etc.  Well I got a call TODAY and the results were back and they were ABNORMAL - again.  I was so crushed.  My doctor left a message with the results and requested I call him back.  He even gave me his cell phone number to contact him.  I'm glad I had time to process the results before I actually spoke to him.  I got up and shut my office door and had a little cry before I called him back. 

 At this point I have two options 1. medical menopause (induced with 1 Lupron Depot shot each month for 3 months) or 2. use a surrogate.  That's it.  Neither of us wants to use a surrogate so I'm going to do the 3 months of menopause - AGAIN.  I will take my first shot on Wednesday (if the pharmacy gets it in time).  One shot is $650.00 and not covered by insurance.  I know I should not complain because so much of our infertility has been covered by insurance which has been a real blessing.  It is so hard for me to understand why I cannot catch a break.  I've given up so much and sacrificed so much and it feels like it has all been for nothing.  I'm no closer to getting pregnant than I was on the day we started trying to conceive.  I have 3 perfect frozen embryos and a crappy uterus.  I've been doing weekly acupuncture since November (also not covered by insurance) and my uterus doesn't seem to be any better, however I did get some nice embryos after I started going regularly so I guess it hasn't been a total waste.  

I'm having a pity party for one tonight.  I just feel so beaten down, discouraged and really let down by God.  There are so many people praying for me and I'm praying for a miracle and it just seems to be falling on deaf ears.  I know God has a plan for me but I really feel like it doesn't include a family of my own.

I'm going back to my pity party which doesn't include cake and ice cream.  Maybe it should.