Stop Thinking

Stop Thinking.  This was the advice I got from my acupuncturist yesterday after I told her everything I was going through right now.  I told her that I felt discouraged and sad about how bad my uterus was and the fact that I have to do 3 months of menopause.  She said that I needed to trust the doctors and spend the next 3 months reading books and maybe planning a trip.  She also said that I could talk to her when I felt bad.   Another friend of mine suggested going to see a therapist but I don't think I'm at that stage just yet.  I'm not really sure what anyone could say to me to make me feel better or enlighten me.  It is what it is.  I've just entered menopause and I need to find a way to make the next 3 months pass by quickly.

Speaking of passing the time away I am planning to walk a 1/2 marathon in October.  You have to be able to walk at 16 minute mile pace or a bus will pick you up if you are unable to maintain that pace.  Talk about an incentive to walk quickly.  I walked 5 miles yesterday at an average pace of 14.40 and that was with some nice hills thrown in.  It will be a new experience to walk in a "race" since in my life before IF (infertility) I was a runner.  I've actually run 4 1/2 marathons (with a finish time always just under 2 hours) and I ran the Marine Corp marathon in Washington DC in 2006.  Now I'm off to pass a little time away.

1 Down 2 to Go

The first shot is done, only 2 more to go!  I'm trying to think positive but that is so hard to do.  The thought of spending the next 90 days in menopause is enough to drive a girl to eat cake and ice cream.  I actually had a piece of cake today at work.  It cheered me up for about the amount of time it took to eat it.  I'm having Chinese food for dinner so maybe a little more comfort food will do the job.

Back to the huge 2 inch needle on the shot - yikes it hurt!  Of course my DH is saying don't clinch and what did I do?  Clinched up!  How can you control that?  My mind is sending signals to my body is saying "don't do this".   I guess I forgot how painful an intramuscular shot can be.  My hat goes off to all the girls who do intramuscular progesterone shots.  All my progesterone has been vaginal suppositories.  I was limping around last night and my booty still hurts today.  I think I will use that and the rain for the reason I didn't go for a run or get on the elliptical when I got home from work.

Thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments this week.  I really needed all those virtual hugs and real hugs from my in-real life friends. 

Pity Party

Today was back to reality day.  Back to work and back to facing the fact that I'm infertile.  It is so easy to forget all your worries when you are on a fabulous vacation.  Even though I was receiving my shot each morning while on vacation I just pushed everything else to the back of my mind.  Yesterday I started thinking about the biopsy results and when they might come back and hopefully it would be by the end of this week, etc.  Well I got a call TODAY and the results were back and they were ABNORMAL - again.  I was so crushed.  My doctor left a message with the results and requested I call him back.  He even gave me his cell phone number to contact him.  I'm glad I had time to process the results before I actually spoke to him.  I got up and shut my office door and had a little cry before I called him back. 

 At this point I have two options 1. medical menopause (induced with 1 Lupron Depot shot each month for 3 months) or 2. use a surrogate.  That's it.  Neither of us wants to use a surrogate so I'm going to do the 3 months of menopause - AGAIN.  I will take my first shot on Wednesday (if the pharmacy gets it in time).  One shot is $650.00 and not covered by insurance.  I know I should not complain because so much of our infertility has been covered by insurance which has been a real blessing.  It is so hard for me to understand why I cannot catch a break.  I've given up so much and sacrificed so much and it feels like it has all been for nothing.  I'm no closer to getting pregnant than I was on the day we started trying to conceive.  I have 3 perfect frozen embryos and a crappy uterus.  I've been doing weekly acupuncture since November (also not covered by insurance) and my uterus doesn't seem to be any better, however I did get some nice embryos after I started going regularly so I guess it hasn't been a total waste.  

I'm having a pity party for one tonight.  I just feel so beaten down, discouraged and really let down by God.  There are so many people praying for me and I'm praying for a miracle and it just seems to be falling on deaf ears.  I know God has a plan for me but I really feel like it doesn't include a family of my own.

I'm going back to my pity party which doesn't include cake and ice cream.  Maybe it should. 

Roatan Vacation Part 2

Our vacation is passing by too fast.  I can't believe it is already Wednesday.  We are having a great time and have been spending a lot more time underwater than above water.  

I've pushed my infertility issues out of my mind for the week but it seems to be surfacing in my subconscious because the last 2 nights I've dreamed I was pregnant.  There is no chance of that happening on this trip since AF followed me on the trip.  So much for a romantic vacation.

We dove a wreck site today and we saw 12 groupers just hanging around.  There was one very friendly grouper who was interested in what I was doing. He was so close I was able to reach out my hand and actually touch him.  As you can see he was huge (about 30 - 40 lbs and 3 feet long).  I normally love to eat grouper but now I will feel guilty the next time I'm in a restaurant and see grouper on the menu.

We will be doing 4 dives tomorrow.  Three during the day and then one night dive.  Those are the best because you see a lot of sea life that normally hides during the day.  It is also feeding time at night and the ocean is a whole different place during the dark.  I'll post again tomorrow.

Roatan Vacation Part 1

We left Atlanta on Saturday for a dive vacation in Roatan (an island off the coast of Honduras).  It is beautiful here and the diving has been amazing.  We came here about 3 years ago during Thanksgiving and it rained every single day.  When our plane landing it started to rain and we both said "oh no not again".  However, it stopped raining, the sun came out and it has been gorgeous ever since.  On Sunday we got up early (the downside to diving) and went for our first dive at 8.15 am.  We saw a crab whose pinches were as thick as my forearms, he could have feed a family of 4.  We also saw a huge green moray eel tucked in a hole but if he had of been swimming he would have been about 6 feet long.  His body was about 25 inches around.   We did a second dive around 11am and a third dive around 2.30.  Day two was the same thing, lots of diving and neat stuff under water.  

Day 3 (today) we did 2 morning dives and then we went around the mountain to different resort to do a dolphin dive.  This resort has a dolphin sanctuary and they have a lot

 of dolphins that live in huge corrals.  They have trained 3 large males to come out to a dive sight and interact with the divers.  When we got there they take you to one of the corrals and introduce you to one of the other dolphins.  You get to touch the dolphin and watch it do some tricks. This is to give you a background on dolphins.  We even got to touch the dolphins teeth.  Little did we know this would be the closest we would get to a dolphin because the dolphin dive was a BUST.  We dove for 45 minutes and the 3 males never joined us.  I guess that goes to show that even though you train a wild animal they are still wild and have a mind of their own.  At least we got a refund.

Our condo is the on the top floor (left side) of this building and is very nice.  We have seen some really pretty hummingbirds and the grounds and pool are incredible. 

Tomorrow will be more diving and a new adventure.

Lovely Blog Award

I just found out I was awarded the Lovely Blog award by 3 different girls.  How cool is this.  Kelli at Life, Love and TTC Mysteries sent me the award, then Melissa at What? IF?!, then I got a third award from Jenicini at Trying to get knocked up by another man.  Thanks girls for taking the time to read my blog.  I can't wait to read your blogs and see what you are going through.  It is so nice to know someone else going through the same thing who can relate to you.

Biopsy Bliss

I had the biopsy today for the EFT (endometrial function test).  The biopsy will be sent via FedEX to the doctor at Yale that created the test.  The results should be back in 2-3 weeks and I'm praying for a normal test result.

I'm going to explain how the biopsy is performed so if you are squeamish you might want to skip this part.  First thing after the speculum was inserted the doctor sprayed my cervix with a numbing spray.  This spray burns really bad to the point my toes were curling and I was moaning "Holy Cow That HURTS", the next step is when the doctor says okay now you will feel a little pinch as he inserts a needle full of numbing medicine into the cervix.  A little pinch is a gross understatement.  As this happened I was moaning "this REALLY hurts".  The spray was in order to allow him to give me the injection.  I cannot even imagine what this test would be like if I wasn't numbed up.  After everything is numb he then inserts a long 16 inch plastic tube through the cervix into the uterus and pinches off a bit of the uterus.  The minute that tube hits the cervix there is a revolt by the cervix and it starts to cramp.  And I mean really cramp.  I'm about to hyperventilate while I try to take some deep breaths and he tells me to count to 10 really slow.  Then it is over.  Just like that.  The cramping lasts about 5 more minutes and I'm done.  Thank God for small miracles.  I went and had some lunch and then went back to work.

After reading that description I hope you get a realization of just what I went through because this next bit is about the last biopsy I had back in June.  I went through all of the above steps and right after the doctor handed the nurse the biopsy in a little cup I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye.  I immediately said "did you just drop that?" and she had.  A little piece of my uterus was laying on the floor in a puddle of stinking preservation liquid.  YES the test had to be repeated (minus the numbing spray & shot).  The nurse said that was the first time anything like that had happened to her and she was almost in tears as she went to get another little container for round 2.  That same nurse today asked someone else to assist with the biopsy because she still felt so bad about what happened.  

The only good thing that happened today was I get to stop the messy progesterone suppositories and the estrace (estrogen) pills.  I have to continue with my morning shot of Lupron because hopefully the test will come back normal and I will be able to transfer the embryos back to my uterus in September.

Quotes to Remember

I read this quote yesterday and it seemed appropriate for everything I've been going through.

I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow.  It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us. ~ Dorothy Dix

My biopsy is tomorrow and I'm really trying not to dread it (even though I know it is really painful).  I'm trying to not be scared about what the results might be.  I've been praying constantly for the results to be normal so I can proceed with the embryo transfer in September.

I'll post again tomorrow and let everyone know how it goes.

I took the below picture in my back yard.  We have a brick wall and this "flower" was growing in the middle of it.  It just goes to show no matter how impossible something seems the impossible can happen.  I think this is God's way of reminding me that it only takes one little seed to grow something beautiful.

Biopsy Bound

I went for blood work today and my E2 rose to 190 so I am starting the next step of the process tonight which is the progesterone suppositories.  I am now taking an injection in the morning, 2 pill orally 3 times a day and 1 suppository vaginally 3 times a day.  I think I've got all my bases covered now.  I have the alarm set on my phone to remind me of all the stuff I need to do and when I need to do it.

The big bad biopsy is scheduled for next Wednesday August 12th.  For those of you that are my prayer warriors, please pray that the results come back normal so I can do the embryo transfer in September.  If for some reason the results come back abnormal then I will have to do one injection a month of Lupron Depot for 3 months.  This is NOT FUN!  The monthly injection puts me into menopause and while not having a period for 3 months is great, the hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings are NOT worth the trade off.  I now know what menopause feels like and I'm not looking forward to it.  (The reason I know this is I did the Lupron Depot injections last summer).   Last summer during my last month of medical menopause we went on an Alaskan cruise.  I was probably the only woman under the age of 50 standing on her private balcony in her bra & panties trying to cool down.  My husband got a kick out of that, while he stayed in the heated cabin under a blanket.

Stings like a Bee

Have you ever been stung by a bee?  It really hurts!  It is amazing that something so small can inflict so much pain.  That is what Thursday felt like to me.  We had cake day at work to celebrate all the July birthdays and since my birthday was in July I felt obligated to go have a piece of cake.  I saw a girl that had just returned from maternity leave and I asked her how her new baby was doing.  Her response was "he's a pain in the ass".  I'm not making this up.  How do you even respond to that?  I wanted to shake her and say "be thankful, he is a gift from God".  Maybe she was tired or having a bad day, who knows.  She told me it took her 10 years to get pregnant with her first child (no medical intervention) and then six months after giving birth she was knocked up again.  You would think that someone that went that long childless would be even more thankful for their children.  

Then later in the same day I saw a girl in my division who is normally slim and wears fitted outfits wearing something quite baggy.  I asked another girl if E was pregnant and she said yes she is 3 months along.  About four months ago a girl brought in her new baby to show him off and we were all standing around cooing over him when E said we want to have another baby and I'm going to have my IUD taken out next month.  I swear E got pregnant the day after having her IUD taken out.  UGH!  Some days I feel like I cannot catch a break.  I know life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah.  But it does feel a bit like being stung like a bee.  Painful.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my blood work and ultrasound.  My lining measured at 8.8 which is really good, but my estrogen level was only 125 and my doctor wants it to be around 175 - 200 before I start the progesterone.  I have to go back on Tuesday for another blood draw and then I'll know if I can start the progesterone.  I certainly hope so because we are leaving for vacation on Aug 15 and I NEED to have the biopsy before we leave town.