Childfree Living

I’ve been living childfree for the past 42 years so you would think I would be a pro at it by now and I was. That is until I actually decided my life would not be complete without a child. Now I don’t know how to move forward but I really am trying. I signed up for a boot camp that starts June 1 and is 4 nights a week. I somehow managed to talk Sunshine and S into signing up also. I hope we will still be friends when the course is complete. I’m trying to lose the 10 lbs of “no” baby weight I’ve gained over the past 18 months. I’ve also planned a trip to Napa, California in mid June with 2 of my girlfriends. We are planning to send 2 days in San Francisco and 2 days in the Napa/Sonoma area. We have rented a convertible and plan to really enjoy ourselves. This use to be my life – working out, running, trips with my girlfriends – I was a free spirit. Somehow this lifestyle which was so much fun seems hard now. I should be 5 months pregnant right now and planning a nursery not working out and going on a girl’s trip. I wonder when my old life will feel comfortable again???

Gratefulness Blog

My sister posted a comment that basically said I should start a gratefulness journal and that bitterness, resentment and gratefulness could not all reside together. I am here to tell you that they have all become very cozy neighbors. Since my last post was such a downer this will be an uplifting post of things that I am grateful for.

I’m grateful for:

• My very supportive husband. He has been amazing through this process and even though I’ve been upset with him for wanting to discontinue IVF I do understand his reasons
• My parents and family. They offered me so much support and prayers throughout this entire ordeal. They wanted this for me just as much as I wanted it. My mother always rearranged her schedule and took me to almost every retrieval and transfer. She stood with me and my DH the first time we heard the baby’s heart beat and she was with me when there was no heart beat.
• My amazing group of friends who offered words of encouragement and hugs when I needed them most. No one could ask for a better group of friends.
• The strangers who prayed for me to become pregnant and prayed that I would find peace when I was no longer pregnant
• My 2 darling little kitties that could put a smile on my face when no one else could.
• God who has provided me with so many good things in my life. I hope that one day he will provide me with the peace to move forward

There really are so many things that I’m grateful for and I do give thanks to God for everything he has provided for me. I’ve read blogs about girls going through infertility that lose friends and become estranged from their families or their husbands leave them for more fertile women. I’ve read blogs about girls having miscarriages at 20 weeks or having to discontinue IVF because they are in debt and near bankruptcy from spending so much money on IVF. None of these things have happened to me and I’m grateful for that. I always tell myself that it could be worse.

Mother's Day

I think this must be one of the hardest holidays for anyone suffering from infertility. All the TV commercials showing precious little children with their mommies just reminds all us infertiles what we are missing out on. Trust me we all know exactly what we are missing in our lives. I’m still hiding from my reality that I will:

Never be pregnant and give birth to a baby

Never nurse a tiny baby

Never see my baby smile or laugh for the first time

Never look into my babies face and see a bit of myself or my husband

Never rock my baby to sleep

Never hear the word “mommy” or even “I love you mommy”

Never see my mother holding or playing with my baby

Never get to pass down the wonderful example that my mother has been to me

The list goes on and on. My reality sucks and I’m having a hard time accepting it. As long as I stay focused on other things I’m able to breathe and find a tiny bit of peace, but when I really think about what I’ll never have I can feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces.

GYN Meltdown

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!