I want to preface this post by saying that I think it is great that there are so many alternative family building methods (not really the right word) available. I do not want anyone to think that I disapprove of any of them. We are just not open to donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption at this time in our lives. I have been following Jenicini through her journey using her best friends eggs. I am in awe of both of these women and I'm thrilled that Jenicini was finally able to get pregnant. Of all the options available I think this would be the only one (at this time) that I might be open to but DH is not willing to go down this path. As for adoption, neither of us is open to this option. I am currently reading several blogs about couples going down this path and it is shocking how hard adoption is in the US. So many people just say "why don't you adopt" and they have no idea what is really involved. It's not like buying a puppy. You can't go on Craigs.list and find one (not legally anyway).
My brother called me this week to tell me how sorry he was about our failed IVF and then said had we considered adoption and I said no. He then proceeded to tell me that knowing what he knows now (he has a 10 month old baby) that he would do anything it took to have a family. Of course this upset me greatly and I said is this supposed to make me feel better?? He really only wanted to convey how great it is to have a child and while I understand that, there are certain limits to how far we are planning to go to create a family. I know he felt really bad about the conversation because he sent me an e-mail the next day to apologize. My conversation with him has just put me in a tailspin because it just reiterates how much I do want a baby. I'm still having a hard time reconciling the fact that we are done. It is causing tension in my marriage and that is never a good thing.
Someone mentioned therapy. My DH also mentioned this to me. I'm not against therapy and I actually did see a counselor with my ex and after my divorce. It was great and really helped me to put everything into perspective. However, when my DH mentioned therapy I just said that there is nothing anyone can say to help me come to terms with this situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready for therapy yet or not. Maybe when my feelings aren't so raw.
To my older sister: I know that when God closes one door he opens another. I now wonder if that is just something people say to make themselves feel better. Maybe not, but I have a feeling I will be staring so hard at that closed door that I may never see a new one open. I don't know God's plan for my life and my faith has been shaken by this experience. I hope one day his plan is revealed but sometimes life isn't far and we just have to accept that.
This makes me want to cry for you. There are so many family options yet you have to do what you both feel comfortable with. These are such intensely personal decisions.
ReplyDeleteI think what you are going through simply shakes you to your core. However, I have faith in your strength that you will figure out your direction.
Have you and your husband thought about going to counseling together? I only ask because it sounds like you are still open to some of the other options but he is not. Maybe if you talked about it with a neutral party you might find some resolution to your feelings. Of course I don't know all of the ins and outs, so take this idea with a grain of salt.
Lots of love to you.
this is such a hard topic to comment on. im not sure how i would handle my husband and me disagreeing on treatment. it is such an emotion-laden topic to begin with and support of each other is so important. i really don't know what to say that doesn't cross over into commenting on your personal relationship which i only know what you've told me about. so that wouldn't be a fair assessment.
ReplyDeleteim hoping that the days get brighter for you as you begin to try to work this out. please dont let anyone tell you that you need to 'get over it' right away. there is loss and pain and grief in this situation that you will naturally need to work through on your own.
thinking of you
xoxo
I am so sorry you are going through all this. IF and loss are both hard enough rows to hoe without then having to try and come to terms that life may be so very different to what we dreamt of.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and supporting you from afar.
Thinking of you and how hard this must all be. It's so cliche but giving yourself and your husband a little bit of time (I know...so hard to even think about when time seems to be running out) might lead you eventually to different thoughts on all of this. Maybe you're not ready to talk to somebody about this right now, but maybe you will be in the future. Who knows? Take care of yourself.
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