Looking Ahead

Thanks to everyone for the support, cards and gorgeous flowers (from my SIL). Of course my nosy kitty Roxie had to get in the picture.

I'm doing okay, not great but not too bad either. Being pregnant already feels like a dream or as if it never happened.

This might be a bit TMI but the bleeding from the D&C seems to have gotten worse instead of better. I'm planning to call me RE tomorrow and make sure this is normal. I go back on Feb 5th for my 2 week check up. I am hoping that my HCG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) is back to zero but I think it might take a bit longer than two weeks. I just want my body to get back to normal so we can try again.

Sometimes it seems there is no safe place for an infertile girl. I went to the dentist this week to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist asked how my family was doing. Since I'm the only one in my family of two who goes to him I said "oh I don't have any children" and he said he thought I did. I just no not me. He then proceeded to say how lucky I was and that his two children were such a pain, etc. Then the hygienist chimes in "that is why she gets to go on vacations, etc." I just had to sit in chair and think to myself you people have NO F-ing clue!!! The worst part of the story is my dentist has 2 adopted children because his wife was unable to conceive. You would think someone that had been through that would know better than to make a comment to someone my age without children. Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you will be able to appreciate that story.

As a side note I just wanted to say that I witnessed a small miracle this week. My friend S had to go out of the country on business. She has an adorable tiny poodle named Pip. When the dog sitter came to pick up Pip he got lose and ran away on Tuesday. So many people have been searching for this tiny dog and I even joined the search last night. That is probably the most exercise I've gotten in the past 10 weeks. It seemed so hopeless because he is small, very nervous and he ran quite a distance from home. We had people searching at various times of the day and night and only one spotting yesterday at 10am and again he managed to disappear. Well Pip was caught today by a neighbor and I feel like this is a miracle from God. He answered many prayers and S can finish her business trip in peace. Thank you God for rescuing Pip.

D&C

I woke up yesterday morning and felt at peace with the upcoming procedure. Feeling disappointed is like putting on a comfy pair of pajamas, it is something I'm use to. The happiness I felt for the past 8 weeks is gone but not forgotten.

My mom took me to my appointment and I felt brave until I was filling out the paper work and I had to fill out a form for my county entitled Record of Miscarriage. I think at that moment it really hit me. I wasn't there for an egg retrieval or some other procedure I was there to have my dead baby removed from my uterus.

The D&C went well and I've had very little pain or bleeding. It will take about 3 or 4 weeks for the genetic tissue testing results come back. I laid around resting yesterday. My DH came home early and was here when my mom & I got home. He has been very sweet and seems to be sad. It is hard for me to know how he is really feeling because as a physician he is use to suppressing his feelings.

The outpouring of support both IRL and in blog land has been amazing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family and group of friends. My friend Sunshine came to hang out with me today and watch movies. She even brought an awesome dinner with dessert. I'm going to church tomorrow with my friend S and then I'm treating myself to a hot stones massage.

I just have to keep moving forward and trust in God to get me through this rough time.

No Heartbeat

Today was a very sad day. I went for my ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for this so it didn't come as a total surprise yet I had hoped that God would perform a miracle and save my little baby. The baby only measured at 7 weeks 2 days (last week he measured at 7 weeks 1 day). I am 9 weeks and 4 days today. I've scheduled a D&C for Friday at noon. They will send the tissue to a lab for testing to try to determine the cause of death. Normally this is a genetic issue, however we put back a genetically tested embryo so the cause is a bit of a mystery. It will take 3 - 4 weeks to get the lab results back. There is a 3-10% margin of error with CGH tested embryos. If the embryo comes back genetically normal then I'm not sure how we will proceed. My RE said that we would have to try some different medicines, etc. Two weeks after the D&C I will have to go back for blood work and continue to do this until my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) goes back to zero. It will probably be at least 3 months before I can do another transfer. I would like to do another transfer as soon as possible because I don't want my body to have a chance to reset itself back to its old ways. The only "good" news I heard today is at least I got pregnant and hopefully my body will remember how to do that again. I apologize to my real life friends because this is basically the same e-mail I sent out to earlier today.

I have to compliment my RE's office on the way they handled everything today. Everyone there was so amazing. My RE explained the situation to the ultrasound tech before I was called back so she was super sweet and sympathetic and asked me had my RE explained what we expected to fine. I said yes that I had a good idea. She did the ultrasound very quickly and then ushered me directly to a room (without having to go back to the waiting area). My RE came in and gave me a very big hug and just said how sorry he was. He spend a lot of time with me talking about everything and answered all my questions. He told me that he hoped I didn't blame myself for what had happened because a lot of women think if they would have only done this or that they wouldn't be having a miscarriage. I told him I knew I had done everything in my power to make this happen so no I don't blame myself. He also said that I needed to allow myself to go through the stages of grief. He said he knew I internalized a LOT (which is true) and he had seen more tears from me this past week than he had in the 3 years I've been seeing him. I really hate to cry in front of people and last week I got a tiny bit weepy when I was there but today there were real tears falling freely.

Thanks goes out to my mom who was with me today holding my hand through all of this. I know her heart is breaking just as much as mine and this isn't easy on her either. No parent wants to see their child hurting knowing there is nothing that they can do to ease the pain.

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and sweet thoughts. My heart is broken and I'm very sad and disappointed as you can imagine. Today has been a rough day and I'm sure Friday won't be any better.

Anointed

“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven” (James 5:14-15, NKJV).

My sister asked one of the elders of her church to come over to and pray for me on Sunday while I was visiting at my dad’s house. The elder asked me to explain what was going on with the baby and then read some words of scripture (Joshua 10:12-13). He also said that I had to be careful and not make the want of a baby an idol above God. My family then gathered around me and everyone placed a hand on me and he read James 5:14-15 and rubbed some oil on my forehead and prayed for the baby. He explained that the oil was just baby oil and that it wasn’t any type of magical oil. It was just symbolic. I know this must really sound strange and I was very nervous when my sister mentioned it to me. My family is Baptist, but once I became an adult and started to attend church on my own I’ve attended nondenominational churches. I think this was a nice thing that my sister did and it has given me some peace of mind. I keep reminding myself that God is in charge and whatever the outcome on Wednesday I have to remember that God has a reason for everything even if we don’t understand what that is. I have a lot of people praying for me and my pray is for God to let the baby be ok and if not to grant me peace and acceptance.

Enlarged Yolk Sac

I was feeling a bit stressed about my last visit and the baby measuring behind a week so I called for an appointment this week. The baby has grown but is still behind. He is measuring 7 weeks 1 day and I was 8 weeks 4 days when the scan was taken. I did hear the heart beat which is so amazing but then I got some bad news. The yolk sac is measuring 9.2 mm and it should be disappearing and becoming the umbilical cord. This is an indication that something might be abnormal with the baby and I could suffer a miscarriage.

I found this on-line: The yolk sac first appears during the fifth week of pregnancy and grows to be no larger than 6 mm. Yolk sacs larger than 6 mm are usually indicative of an abnormal pregnancy.

I'm trying to stay strong and positive but it is really hard right now. I know that God is in control but I just can't understand why he would bring me so far in my quest to have a baby only to snatch it away. I go back on Wednesday Jan 20th for another ultrasound. I will keep everyone up to date.

Snow in Georgia

We got a rare 1/2 inch of snow in Atlanta on Friday. Of course the city shut down because we aren't equipped to deal with snow. All the schools closed and lots of people couldn't make the drive to work. I live close enough that I knew I would be able to make the 6 mile drive in. Most of my staff was late but at least they made it work safely. The picture is from my front porch, isn't it pretty.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today. I will post a picture later but my husband left for the gym before I was up and showered. I have been so exhausted this week. I can barely function in the afternoons at work and of course I'm slammed with closing the books for the end of the year and trying to get ready for the auditors. I even had to work yesterday and I really needed to stay home and rest. I still haven't gained any weight which is my goal. If I can make it 12 weeks without gaining anything I will be thrilled.

I was so tired when I posted about my doctor visit on Wednesday that I left off several things. My doctor is thrilled that I am finally pregnant. Of course he told me that I'm not really out of the woods yet and we needed to hit 12 weeks to get past the danger zone. I have 4 weeks left. I woke up at 5am in a bit of a panic thinking about this. My next ultrasound isn't until Jan. 20th. I'm debating calling and seeing if I can get one this week. I want this so badly and I'm trying so hard to keep the fear away but it is really difficult. My RE did tell me I could reduce my estrogen and progesterone medicines. He also said I could exercise but not to get my heart rate over 140 bpm. I have a treadmill and an elliptical at home plus I bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Hopefully soon I'll have a little bit of spare energy to actually do something. He also said I could continue acupuncture. He said he didn't know what value it really offered after you were pregnant but it was my decision. My acupuncturist wants me to come until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I had an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to the snow and ice. I love acupuncture and I find it very relaxing so I plan to continue going over the next 4 weeks.

I'm off to shower and get ready for church. I will post my belly picture later today or tomorrow.

Heart Beat

We heard the heart beat today and it was so amazing. The baby is the tiny dot in between the two plus signs. He is measuring 6 weeks 4 days even though I'm 7 weeks 4 days. The RE said not to worry as long as the heart beat was present and everything looked good. Hearing the heart made everything real. I haven't had any morning sickness and my breast aren't sore (but they are getting bigger). I go back in 2 weeks for my next ultrasound and I will stay with my RE until I'm 12 weeks.

I feel so blessed by God right now and my sister told me any time I feel afraid that I need to say "Step away from my joy filled Spirit Satan". I like that visualization and plan to practice it.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone reading my blog and posting comments, it means a lot to me to be able to share this journey.

Happy New Year 2010

Happy New Year! I'm 7 weeks pregnant today. I still can't get my head around the fact that I'm actually pregnant. I wake up each morning and thank God for this miracle and the last thing I do each night is thank God again and ask him to keep the baby safe and snuggled into my uterus. The spotting has stopped for now and that is a relief.

I haven't really had any symptoms yet. I hope I will be one of the lucky girls that doesn't get morning sickness. If I wait to long to eat then I might get a tiny bit queasy but that is the only symptom beside being tired. I've actually lost 2lbs since week 5 and I think that is due to eating less junk and sweets. I've been trying to eat healthier (more veggies and less starches). I read that you should only gain between 2 - 4 lbs the first trimester so I have made that my goal. I bought a prenatal yoga DVD and if I get the all clear from my RE on Wednesday then I want to start doing a little light exercise.

Wednesday is the ultrasound to hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm so excited and my husband was able to rearrange his schedule to go with me and my mom. I can't wait to share the experience with everyone.