Comments

I wanted to reply to some of the comments and I want to thank everyone who did comment. The support I've received has been amazing and I've found some lovely new blogs that I plan to follow. When I read what some girls have been through I'm filled with hope that I can make it through this tough time in my life.

I want to preface this post by saying that I think it is great that there are so many alternative family building methods (not really the right word) available. I do not want anyone to think that I disapprove of any of them. We are just not open to donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption at this time in our lives. I have been following Jenicini through her journey using her best friends eggs. I am in awe of both of these women and I'm thrilled that Jenicini was finally able to get pregnant. Of all the options available I think this would be the only one (at this time) that I might be open to but DH is not willing to go down this path. As for adoption, neither of us is open to this option. I am currently reading several blogs about couples going down this path and it is shocking how hard adoption is in the US. So many people just say "why don't you adopt" and they have no idea what is really involved. It's not like buying a puppy. You can't go on Craigs.list and find one (not legally anyway).

My brother called me this week to tell me how sorry he was about our failed IVF and then said had we considered adoption and I said no. He then proceeded to tell me that knowing what he knows now (he has a 10 month old baby) that he would do anything it took to have a family. Of course this upset me greatly and I said is this supposed to make me feel better?? He really only wanted to convey how great it is to have a child and while I understand that, there are certain limits to how far we are planning to go to create a family. I know he felt really bad about the conversation because he sent me an e-mail the next day to apologize. My conversation with him has just put me in a tailspin because it just reiterates how much I do want a baby. I'm still having a hard time reconciling the fact that we are done. It is causing tension in my marriage and that is never a good thing.

Someone mentioned therapy. My DH also mentioned this to me. I'm not against therapy and I actually did see a counselor with my ex and after my divorce. It was great and really helped me to put everything into perspective. However, when my DH mentioned therapy I just said that there is nothing anyone can say to help me come to terms with this situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready for therapy yet or not. Maybe when my feelings aren't so raw.

To my older sister: I know that when God closes one door he opens another. I now wonder if that is just something people say to make themselves feel better. Maybe not, but I have a feeling I will be staring so hard at that closed door that I may never see a new one open. I don't know God's plan for my life and my faith has been shaken by this experience. I hope one day his plan is revealed but sometimes life isn't far and we just have to accept that.

Frozen

I feel frozen right now. I just have no idea how to move forward. How do I give up my dream of having a baby and becoming a mother? After being on the awful IVF roller coaster for the past 3 1/2 years how do I get off? My RE suggested a 6th IVF cycle since I did get pregnant once just 4 short months ago and the only reason that didn't work out is the embryo was positive for Trisomy 22. My DH is against a 6th cycle. I was barely able to convince him to do a 5th cycle and I think after the 4th cycle I PROMISED him that was it. But of course that wasn't it. I begged him to do another cycle and promised that really was the last one. But then I got pregnant on a frozen cycle, had a miscarriage and then used the remaining frozen embryos and got my latest BFN. The issue for my DH isn't even money but the need to know when it is time to STOP. Also, my DH is really worried about the effect all the IVF's are going to have on my long term health. An executive at his hospital is suffering from stage 4 ovarian cancer. She has 2 year old twins via IVF and hopes to live to see them grow up. Some studies show a link between ovarian cancer and IVF treatments.

When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.

Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.

NOT PREGNANT

I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.



After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.



After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.



I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.

My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.


This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.

My Anniversary

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He has put up with so much over the last 3 years while we have been trying to conceive. I cannot even begin to imagine going through this with just anyone. It has really taken its toll on me but he has stood by me through all the tears, depression and sorrow and loved me in spite of it all. I think I am very fortunate that this hasn't torn apart our marriage like it has so many others. At least God has blessed me in the marriage department. I'll find out tomorrow if he has blessed me in the baby department.

Goal Setting

It is that time of year again at work. We have to set goals for the year (ok we are a little behind here). I was trying to think of some creative goals to set for myself that my boss would approve. It isn't easy because I'm an accountant and lets face it not much changes in this role. The other thing that makes it difficult is my #1 goal is to have a baby and quit work. Hmm, I wonder what my boss would think of that goal. Somehow I don't think that one would go over too well. I wonder how I will react if I'm unable to obtain that goal. I have so much hope pinned on Friday's beta. I just don't know how I can suddenly change my life goals and live childfree. I know my DH can do it, but can I? If it comes down to that then I will just have to live in the moment and take life one day at a time.

Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.

Weekend Distractions

I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.

On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.

Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3^rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.

To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.

I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.

In the Beginning

The above pictures are the two embryos that we put back on Tuesday. Our original plan was to only put back the one CGH tested embryo. However after it was thawed out it did not look so good. You can see that it is starting to spread out, kind of like when you crack open an egg and the yolk breaks open and starts to ooze out. Both embryo's had already hatched from the zona pellucida which is a hard shell that forms to protect the embryo after fertilization. Once the embryo has hatched it should stay in a tight circle formation. As you can see my CHG embryo did not do that. I'm not sure of the exact cause of this but it is probably just the quality of the embryo due to my advanced maternal age. For those of you lucky enough to have babies the old fashion way and aren't up on the IVF lingo - CGH testing is genetic testing on all 23 chromosomes and PGD testing is only on 9 chromosomes. My clinic just recently gained access to the CGH labs. In fact, I was their first patient to have CGH.

I took 3 days off work to just lie on the couch and relax. I want to give these embryos the best possible chance for implantation. I also want to say thanks to everyone for the outpouring of prayers. It means so much to me to know so many people are praying and want this dream to come true.

Day of Drama

The last 24 hours have been full of stress and drama. Yesterday morning after I got out of the shower I discovered that my stitch was no longer visible. I was worried that I had somehow pulled it out so I looked around, then unscrewed the drain cap and looked and lastly I checked my loofah scrubby and still no stitch. I did however have some mild cervical cramping but thought that might be the progesterone. My mom drove up last night to cook dinner and drive me around today. We went for a nice walk and then came home to shower. She went first and walked out of the bathroom holding a cobalt blue string and said "is this what you were looking for?" My heart sank because I HAD lost the stitch. I somehow pulled it out (It was still tied in a knot) and I guess it caught on my towel and when I flipped the towel over the shower curtain it feel back into the tub. I knew there was nothing that could be done about it. The cervical stitch was put in to help assist my RE getting the catheter in place. I decided I would just call my RE when the office opened Tuesday morning.

I called the RE office this morning and was informed that my doctors wife had fallen and might have a cracked rib and my RE was out to take her to the doctor so someone else might have to do my transfer. I felt like crying because I really trust him and without the stitch I knew my transfer was going to be more difficult than a normal transfer. I asked the nurse if I could just push back the transfer and wait on him. She said she would have to let me know. Later I got a call directly from my RE on his cell phone and I'm thinking no big deal he is just calling about the transfer but he was calling to let me know that the quality of my CGH tested embryo didn't look great and the head lab doctor was recommending thawing out my PGD tested embryo and putting back both. My DH has been very against inputting 2 embryos so I told my RE I would have to call my DH first. DH agreed to putting back both and my RE said he would be there to do the transfer.

I'm happy to report the transfer went smoothly. This was probably the easiest one I've done. I went for acupuncture after the transfer and now I'm home relaxing. My beta is on April 23! For now I'm PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise and praying like crazy.

Transfer Time

Just a quick post to let everyone know that my transfer is tomorrow at 11:30. Wish me luck and pray, pray, pray!

Happy Post

A couple of my IRL friends have mentioned how down I've sounded in my last few posts. This will not be one of those posts. Today is a gorgeous day in Atlanta. The weather is warm and the sun is shining. I met my friend S for brunch and I just got back from my weekly acupuncture session so I'm nice and relaxed. The acupuncturist wants me to do some moving meditation and sitting meditation between now and Tuesday. She had to show me how to do both but it is basically just deep breathing.

My DH repainted our boring dining room last weekend and it looks gorgeous. Before it was just tan/taupe but now it is Blue Lagoon above the chair railing and Luxurious linen below. We haven't moved the furniture back yet because he still needs to repaint he trim.

I plan to go shopping tomorrow for my friend Sunshine's upcoming birthday. I love shopping even when it is for someone else. I do have to admit that it is never 100% for someone else because I always see something that I can't live without.

Everything is going well with my shots, pills and suppositories. Only a few days to go until the BIG day. Cheers!

I've been lassoed

The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.