Diary of a Stork Stalker

Types of Therapy

2010-06-28T17:21:00.005-04:00

When you think about it there are a lot of different types of therapy. Over the past two weeks I've had experienced two types. The first one was a trip to San Francisco with my two single girlfriends. We shopped in China town, ate in Little Italy, walked through the Redwood forest, drove to Napa, tasted wine for 2 days straight and then went back to San Fran to visit Alca.traz and walk on the famous Pier. We ate, drank and laughed a LOT and this did my soul good. I rarely thought about not being able to have a child and was able to just enjoy my mini-vacation.

The second type of therapy I had was the "real" type. I was referred to a therapist and I meet with MF on Saturday. MF asked me if I felt like I was depressed and I just laughed and YES. I feel like my most pressing issue right now is my job. I thought that by now I would be a stay home mom and would not be working at my current job. I've never really liked my job but I think part of that stems from the fact that I started working here and 2 months later started trying to conceive. In my mind this was just going to be a short term thing, but I've now been here for 3 years and 8 months. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroad and I don't know which road to turn down. It seems crazy in this economy to leave a well paying job with awesome benefits but when I pull in the parking deck everyday a little piece of me dies. My DH is supportive of me quitting and taking a break but said I will have to find something else (even part time). That is another part of the problem, I don't know what that something is. I'm currently a corporate accountant and I'm good at it but I just don't enjoy it any more. MF asked me what my passion was and I said nothing, I don't have one. I don't think that is unusual. I asked another friend that question and she said she doesn't have one either. I'm about 90% sure I will leave my job late this summer. Just thinking that is the only thing that gets me through right now.

Of course the infertility issue did come up in my therapy session and MF said I haven't really grieved. I agree with that to some degree. I think I grieve everyday but I told her as long as my body functions properly I can't really grieve because in the back of mind "it" could happen. HA! I know that is really just denial, but I just can't help it. MF suggested a book "When B.A.D things happen to G.O.O.D people". I ordered it today. She wants me to read it because she said something bad has happened to me and when I think about it she is right.

I go back for round 2 of therapy on Saturday.

Final Appointment

2010-06-17T00:19:00.005-04:00

I had my final follow up appointment with my RE on Friday. The first question he asked me "how are you doing? Really doing?" brought me to tears. I said not too good but I was trying to deal with it the best way I could. I told him we were done with medical intervention and he totally understands. He said that his top suggestion would be for us to do another cycle with donor eggs. He feels he can help me over come the uterine issues. His second recommendation would be for us to do a fresh IVF with CGH testing (same exact cycle we did with IVF#5). The last recommendation is we could go ahead and put back 2 crummy frozen embryos I have in storage. I asked what percentage did I have with those and he said honestly about 20%. The embryo's were PGD tested and tested normal but the were not developing (expanding) properly prior to be frozen. Each one was around 10 cells on day 5 when they should have been at least 100 cells. I have a feeling these would expire once we thawed them out. Still considering what to do with those 2.

It was a nice chat with my RE. He told me he would never retire my file and he would never give up hope on me. He got misty eyed and had to wipe away the tear that threatened to fall as he told me how sorry he was that I miscarried in January and then didn't get pregnant in April (after so many prior failures). He really likes me and my DH and I think he can relate to us. He married his current wife later in life and it took them 5 IVF's to deliver a baby. It was very sad to wrap up the meeting because I've been seeing my RE for 3 1/2 years and he seems like an old friend. He made sure I still had his cell phone number and told me to please call him if I or DH had any questions about anything. Then we hugged and I went to my car and cried.

That night I laid in bed and wept as my DH held me. I just kept telling him this is so hard and I don't understand why it is happening to me. I just can't bare the pain I feel ALL THE TIME. It never leaves me. I can put on my happy mask and fake it at times but it is still there robbing me of a joyous life.

I'm headed to San Francisco tomorrow with 2 of my girlfriends. My friend WW is flying from Hawaii to meet us and my friend Diva is traveling with me. Both girls are single and childfree so it will be nice to be with people who aren't in the same place as me right now. I need a single, carefree weekend in the wine valley with my girls. I hope I can stow away my mask and truly enjoy myself this next 4 days.

I'm Broken

2010-06-10T16:21:00.004-04:00

My heart is broken, my spirit is broken and my faith is broken.

And let's not forget my body is broken.

I have my "failed IVF" appointment on Friday with my RE. This will also be my final appointment with him. The one I'm dreading. The one that means we are done. The one that forces me to face the reality that I will NEVER be a mother. I have no idea how I'm going to get through that appointment because just thinking about the appointment is enough to bring tears to my eyes. After 3 1/2 years, 3 IUI's and 5 IVF's I can believe I'm closing the door with nothing but heartache to show for my time. I wonder how long I will keep my eyes on that closed door? Right now it feels like a lifetime.

The pain I feel is unbearable and I feel like my heart will burst open at any minute. I feel like an imposter in my own life. I get up in morning and go to work and put on a happy face just like everyone else but I don't feel like anyone else. I feel empty inside like all the sunshine has been poured out of my soul. I question God and pray for peace, but I don't have any answers and the peace I seek is no where to be found.

I'm at a major crossroad in my life and I don't know which way to turn. I made an appointment to go see a therapist because I need someone to help me throw away this mask I'm wearing. I want to find a way to move forward and I don't seem to be able to do that on my own. If I can't be the old me then I want to find a new me.

Childfree Living

2010-05-28T15:53:00.000-04:00

I’ve been living childfree for the past 42 years so you would think I would be a pro at it by now and I was. That is until I actually decided my life would not be complete without a child. Now I don’t know how to move forward but I really am trying. I signed up for a boot camp that starts June 1 and is 4 nights a week. I somehow managed to talk Sunshine and S into signing up also. I hope we will still be friends when the course is complete. I’m trying to lose the 10 lbs of “no” baby weight I’ve gained over the past 18 months. I’ve also planned a trip to Napa, California in mid June with 2 of my girlfriends. We are planning to send 2 days in San Francisco and 2 days in the Napa/Sonoma area. We have rented a convertible and plan to really enjoy ourselves. This use to be my life – working out, running, trips with my girlfriends – I was a free spirit. Somehow this lifestyle which was so much fun seems hard now. I should be 5 months pregnant right now and planning a nursery not working out and going on a girl’s trip. I wonder when my old life will feel comfortable again???

Gratefulness Blog

2010-05-19T16:05:00.003-04:00

My sister posted a comment that basically said I should start a gratefulness journal and that bitterness, resentment and gratefulness could not all reside together. I am here to tell you that they have all become very cozy neighbors. Since my last post was such a downer this will be an uplifting post of things that I am grateful for.

I’m grateful for:

My very supportive husband. He has been amazing through this process and even though I’ve been upset with him for wanting to discontinue IVF I do understand his reasons
My parents and family. They offered me so much support and prayers throughout this entire ordeal. They wanted this for me just as much as I wanted it. My mother always rearranged her schedule and took me to almost every retrieval and transfer. She stood with me and my DH the first time we heard the baby’s heart beat and she was with me when there was no heart beat.
My amazing group of friends who offered words of encouragement and hugs when I needed them most. No one could ask for a better group of friends.
The strangers who prayed for me to become pregnant and prayed that I would find peace when I was no longer pregnant
My 2 darling little kitties that could put a smile on my face when no one else could.
God who has provided me with so many good things in my life. I hope that one day he will provide me with the peace to move forward

There really are so many things that I’m grateful for and I do give thanks to God for everything he has provided for me. I’ve read blogs about girls going through infertility that lose friends and become estranged from their families or their husbands leave them for more fertile women. I’ve read blogs about girls having miscarriages at 20 weeks or having to discontinue IVF because they are in debt and near bankruptcy from spending so much money on IVF. None of these things have happened to me and I’m grateful for that. I always tell myself that it could be worse.

Mother's Day

2010-05-07T17:00:00.003-04:00

I think this must be one of the hardest holidays for anyone suffering from infertility. All the TV commercials showing precious little children with their mommies just reminds all us infertiles what we are missing out on. Trust me we all know exactly what we are missing in our lives. I’m still hiding from my reality that I will:

Never be pregnant and give birth to a baby

Never nurse a tiny baby

Never see my baby smile or laugh for the first time

Never look into my babies face and see a bit of myself or my husband

Never rock my baby to sleep

Never hear the word “mommy” or even “I love you mommy”

Never see my mother holding or playing with my baby

Never get to pass down the wonderful example that my mother has been to me

The list goes on and on. My reality sucks and I’m having a hard time accepting it. As long as I stay focused on other things I’m able to breathe and find a tiny bit of peace, but when I really think about what I’ll never have I can feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces.

GYN Meltdown

2010-05-03T17:50:00.005-04:00

I had my annual GYN appointment on Friday. I decided to switch gynecologist because I wanted to see someone closer to my home for when I got pregnant. I was able to stay within the same group (which has multiple locations) so I didn't have to start over as a new patient. I made the appointment prior to my transfer and I was hoping to go in and already be pregnant. Well we all know how that turned out. I had an early appointment and when I walked in a chose a seat around some older non-pregnant women. That didn't last long because a very pregnant woman sat across from me. I got called back for my finger prick and weigh in along with an 8 month pregnant woman and a new mother with her darling 6 week old baby. By the time I went to the exam room my emotions were already in high gear. The nurse asked did I still get my period and I said yes and thought to myself "geez I'm not that old". Then she asked what birth control I used and I said none and she said not even condoms. I said no we have been trying to have a baby. I had to tell her I'd had a miscarriage in January. It was all I could do to get it out without breaking down. After she walked out the tears started flowing. I was able to get myself back together before the doctor walked in. He was VERY nice but I had to tell him my history and of course I could not hold back the tears this time. It was embarrassing because I'm NOT a public crier. I told him we were done trying and he then proceeds to tell me that his sister-in-law had problems conceiving and that she finally adopted and when the whole family gets together and the children are playing no one in the family feels differently about the adopted child. He said I just needed to take some time to decide what I wanted to do. I didn't even bother to tell him that adoption was not a part of our plan. Why go there? I know he was trying to be nice by telling me that story but it was pointless.

DH & I talked again over the weekend and he is adamant that he wants to be done. He is fearful that if we did another IVF and we were able to get one or more CGH normal embryos that there could still be problems, such as autism or other genetic issues that can't be picked up with CGH testing. Not to mention the risks to my long term health. I'm going to be 43 in July which is ancient in the TTC world. There are moments when the thought of doing another IVF is just unbearable but then the thought of never being a mother is also unbearable. I've been through so much over the past 3 1/2 years.and now it all seems like such a waste of time because we achieved nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is 10 extra pounds!

Comments

2010-04-29T18:26:00.004-04:00

I wanted to reply to some of the comments and I want to thank everyone who did comment. The support I've received has been amazing and I've found some lovely new blogs that I plan to follow. When I read what some girls have been through I'm filled with hope that I can make it through this tough time in my life.

I want to preface this post by saying that I think it is great that there are so many alternative family building methods (not really the right word) available. I do not want anyone to think that I disapprove of any of them. We are just not open to donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption at this time in our lives. I have been following Jenicini through her journey using her best friends eggs. I am in awe of both of these women and I'm thrilled that Jenicini was finally able to get pregnant. Of all the options available I think this would be the only one (at this time) that I might be open to but DH is not willing to go down this path. As for adoption, neither of us is open to this option. I am currently reading several blogs about couples going down this path and it is shocking how hard adoption is in the US. So many people just say "why don't you adopt" and they have no idea what is really involved. It's not like buying a puppy. You can't go on Craigs.list and find one (not legally anyway).

My brother called me this week to tell me how sorry he was about our failed IVF and then said had we considered adoption and I said no. He then proceeded to tell me that knowing what he knows now (he has a 10 month old baby) that he would do anything it took to have a family. Of course this upset me greatly and I said is this supposed to make me feel better?? He really only wanted to convey how great it is to have a child and while I understand that, there are certain limits to how far we are planning to go to create a family. I know he felt really bad about the conversation because he sent me an e-mail the next day to apologize. My conversation with him has just put me in a tailspin because it just reiterates how much I do want a baby. I'm still having a hard time reconciling the fact that we are done. It is causing tension in my marriage and that is never a good thing.

Someone mentioned therapy. My DH also mentioned this to me. I'm not against therapy and I actually did see a counselor with my ex and after my divorce. It was great and really helped me to put everything into perspective. However, when my DH mentioned therapy I just said that there is nothing anyone can say to help me come to terms with this situation. I'm not sure if I'm ready for therapy yet or not. Maybe when my feelings aren't so raw.

To my older sister: I know that when God closes one door he opens another. I now wonder if that is just something people say to make themselves feel better. Maybe not, but I have a feeling I will be staring so hard at that closed door that I may never see a new one open. I don't know God's plan for my life and my faith has been shaken by this experience. I hope one day his plan is revealed but sometimes life isn't far and we just have to accept that.

Frozen

2010-04-26T17:01:00.003-04:00

I feel frozen right now. I just have no idea how to move forward. How do I give up my dream of having a baby and becoming a mother? After being on the awful IVF roller coaster for the past 3 1/2 years how do I get off? My RE suggested a 6th IVF cycle since I did get pregnant once just 4 short months ago and the only reason that didn't work out is the embryo was positive for Trisomy 22. My DH is against a 6th cycle. I was barely able to convince him to do a 5th cycle and I think after the 4th cycle I PROMISED him that was it. But of course that wasn't it. I begged him to do another cycle and promised that really was the last one. But then I got pregnant on a frozen cycle, had a miscarriage and then used the remaining frozen embryos and got my latest BFN. The issue for my DH isn't even money but the need to know when it is time to STOP. Also, my DH is really worried about the effect all the IVF's are going to have on my long term health. An executive at his hospital is suffering from stage 4 ovarian cancer. She has 2 year old twins via IVF and hopes to live to see them grow up. Some studies show a link between ovarian cancer and IVF treatments.

When will the thaw begin? When will my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be able to accept by life without children? Those are the questions swirling around my head right now.

Thank you to everyone that has left comments. I have begun reading some incredible blogs of women who are going through the same thing or who have already been down this path. The support of the IF community is amazing. I wish none of us were members.

NOT PREGNANT

2010-04-23T15:22:00.005-04:00

I went home after work yesterday and I knew I couldn't wait any longer I just had to do an HPT (home pregnancy test). My heart was pounding on the drive home just thinking about it. I used one of the fancy digital tests and while the little hour glass was swirling around I sat in the bathroom just praying for it to pop up pregnant. My heart was beating so fast I could see my breast thumping up and down. When NOT PREGNANT popped up I sat there staring at it in disbelief. I had so much hope. I felt physically sick just looking at that little white stick.

After the despair set in I had to go lie down and when DH got home he came into the bedroom and said this doesn't look like good news and I burst into more tears. He just laid on the bed and held me. Of course the kitties were totally confused and made attempts to amuse us with their bedroom antics. Sometimes pets are such a blessing.

After lying in bed for about 2 hours DH & I got up and I let him open up his anniversary gifts. I got him a digital photo frame and some dress shirts for work. We decided to go eat cheap Mexican food because we are going out to a posh restaurant on Saturday, not too mention after 2 hours of crying I really wasn't fit to leave the house. This next bit I could not even make up if I tried. I ate a bit of food (I only ate 1/2 my dinner which never happens because I love Mexican) and as we were waiting to sign the check the waitress for the booth next to ours comes up and starts talking the patrons who are obviously regulars. She tells them that she is 10 weeks pregnant and so excited. We were getting out of the booth when this occurred and I just looked at DH as we walked out the door and said "did you hear that". He said yes honey and I think it is a conspiracy against you. Of course I started crying again at the unfairness of this. I guess we should have just stayed home.

I'm mentioned before that my DH is an internal medicine physician. As I was crying later that evening I said I don't understand why God won't give me a baby, it doesn't make sense. My DH said why does he give some 47 year old terminal cancer (he had to make that phone call this week). I guess that puts into perspective that things can always be worse.

My RE called today to confirm my negative beta. I will post more on that conversation later.

This was our last medically assisted attempt at having a baby. Please pray that I find peace on moving forward and living a childfree life.

My Anniversary

2010-04-22T16:12:00.004-04:00

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He has put up with so much over the last 3 years while we have been trying to conceive. I cannot even begin to imagine going through this with just anyone. It has really taken its toll on me but he has stood by me through all the tears, depression and sorrow and loved me in spite of it all. I think I am very fortunate that this hasn't torn apart our marriage like it has so many others. At least God has blessed me in the marriage department. I'll find out tomorrow if he has blessed me in the baby department.

Goal Setting

2010-04-21T10:48:00.003-04:00

It is that time of year again at work. We have to set goals for the year (ok we are a little behind here). I was trying to think of some creative goals to set for myself that my boss would approve. It isn't easy because I'm an accountant and lets face it not much changes in this role. The other thing that makes it difficult is my #1 goal is to have a baby and quit work. Hmm, I wonder what my boss would think of that goal. Somehow I don't think that one would go over too well. I wonder how I will react if I'm unable to obtain that goal. I have so much hope pinned on Friday's beta. I just don't know how I can suddenly change my life goals and live childfree. I know my DH can do it, but can I? If it comes down to that then I will just have to live in the moment and take life one day at a time.

Please send some prayers my way. I really need them to get me through Friday.

Weekend Distractions

2010-04-19T22:08:00.002-04:00

I managed to stay busy this weekend. Friday night my DH & I had dinner with Sunshine her and DB. It was a last minute casual meal, but a nice way to cap off the work week.

On Saturday I laid around all afternoon reading a book and resting while my poor DH worked in the yard. Saturday night S & I met Sunshine to celebrate her birthday which is this week. We had dinner at a posh local restaurant and I toasted Sunshine with my glass of sparking water. Sunshine loved her gifts and it was fun just hanging out with my wonderful girlfriends. They have both been big supporters of mine during my battle with infertility.

Sunday I went to church and then afterwards S & I went to this huge art festival in Atlanta. There were approximately 300 booths of nice art work. This is a high end festival which is part of the fun. The 3^rd booth that we stopped at S & I both bought a piece of art. I will have to get mine framed but it just made me smile and I knew it would look great in my newly painted dining room. S & I walked about a mile just to meet up with another friend and after all that exercise we decided we had earned a funnel cake. It was funny because while the art was high end the food was not. That is the best thing about a festival the junk food. S & I devoured the funnel cake, it was hot & yummy. The only bad part of the day was the horrible pollen. I sneezed all day long and after I got home my sinuses were a mess and since I’m PUPO I didn’t want to take anything. I am feeling a bit better today.

To my anonymous commentator: I did eat an entire pineapple (core and all) over a 5 day period. I bought it a few days prior to the transfer and then cut it up prior to the transfer. I warned DH that if he ate any of it he would have to go and buy me another pineapple. I think that scared him from eating any. He didn’t want to mess with my “plan”. The other thing I do during my TWW (two week wait) is I don’t drink anything cold. I drink my water with no ice and if I’m at home I keep my Brita pitcher on the counter so the water is room temperature. My acupuncturist said the uterus doesn’t like to be cold. She also recommends only drinking warm drinks during menstruation to help with cramps. I’m holding off on acupuncture this week until after I get my beta results. I’ve gotten mixed advice about acupuncture during the TWW so I have chosen to forgo it for now.

I plan to stay busy this week. Thursday is my four year wedding anniversary and then Friday is my beta. I just keep taking deep relaxing breaths and telling myself I’m pregnant. I’m praying my dream comes true. What an awesome anniversary present that would be.

In the Beginning

2010-04-15T10:44:00.004-04:00

The above pictures are the two embryos that we put back on Tuesday. Our original plan was to only put back the one CGH tested embryo. However after it was thawed out it did not look so good. You can see that it is starting to spread out, kind of like when you crack open an egg and the yolk breaks open and starts to ooze out. Both embryo's had already hatched from the zona pellucida which is a hard shell that forms to protect the embryo after fertilization. Once the embryo has hatched it should stay in a tight circle formation. As you can see my CHG embryo did not do that. I'm not sure of the exact cause of this but it is probably just the quality of the embryo due to my advanced maternal age. For those of you lucky enough to have babies the old fashion way and aren't up on the IVF lingo - CGH testing is genetic testing on all 23 chromosomes and PGD testing is only on 9 chromosomes. My clinic just recently gained access to the CGH labs. In fact, I was their first patient to have CGH.

I took 3 days off work to just lie on the couch and relax. I want to give these embryos the best possible chance for implantation. I also want to say thanks to everyone for the outpouring of prayers. It means so much to me to know so many people are praying and want this dream to come true.

Day of Drama

2010-04-13T14:59:00.004-04:00

The last 24 hours have been full of stress and drama. Yesterday morning after I got out of the shower I discovered that my stitch was no longer visible. I was worried that I had somehow pulled it out so I looked around, then unscrewed the drain cap and looked and lastly I checked my loofah scrubby and still no stitch. I did however have some mild cervical cramping but thought that might be the progesterone. My mom drove up last night to cook dinner and drive me around today. We went for a nice walk and then came home to shower. She went first and walked out of the bathroom holding a cobalt blue string and said "is this what you were looking for?" My heart sank because I HAD lost the stitch. I somehow pulled it out (It was still tied in a knot) and I guess it caught on my towel and when I flipped the towel over the shower curtain it feel back into the tub. I knew there was nothing that could be done about it. The cervical stitch was put in to help assist my RE getting the catheter in place. I decided I would just call my RE when the office opened Tuesday morning.

I called the RE office this morning and was informed that my doctors wife had fallen and might have a cracked rib and my RE was out to take her to the doctor so someone else might have to do my transfer. I felt like crying because I really trust him and without the stitch I knew my transfer was going to be more difficult than a normal transfer. I asked the nurse if I could just push back the transfer and wait on him. She said she would have to let me know. Later I got a call directly from my RE on his cell phone and I'm thinking no big deal he is just calling about the transfer but he was calling to let me know that the quality of my CGH tested embryo didn't look great and the head lab doctor was recommending thawing out my PGD tested embryo and putting back both. My DH has been very against inputting 2 embryos so I told my RE I would have to call my DH first. DH agreed to putting back both and my RE said he would be there to do the transfer.

I'm happy to report the transfer went smoothly. This was probably the easiest one I've done. I went for acupuncture after the transfer and now I'm home relaxing. My beta is on April 23! For now I'm PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise and praying like crazy.

Transfer Time

2010-04-12T21:36:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post to let everyone know that my transfer is tomorrow at 11:30. Wish me luck and pray, pray, pray!

Happy Post

2010-04-10T16:24:00.005-04:00

A couple of my IRL friends have mentioned how down I've sounded in my last few posts. This will not be one of those posts. Today is a gorgeous day in Atlanta. The weather is warm and the sun is shining. I met my friend S for brunch and I just got back from my weekly acupuncture session so I'm nice and relaxed. The acupuncturist wants me to do some moving meditation and sitting meditation between now and Tuesday. She had to show me how to do both but it is basically just deep breathing.

My DH repainted our boring dining room last weekend and it looks gorgeous. Before it was just tan/taupe but now it is Blue Lagoon above the chair railing and Luxurious linen below. We haven't moved the furniture back yet because he still needs to repaint he trim.

I plan to go shopping tomorrow for my friend Sunshine's upcoming birthday. I love shopping even when it is for someone else. I do have to admit that it is never 100% for someone else because I always see something that I can't live without.

Everything is going well with my shots, pills and suppositories. Only a few days to go until the BIG day. Cheers!

I've been lassoed

2010-04-06T21:40:00.003-04:00

The definition of a lasso is a loop of rope that is designed to be thrown around a target and tighten when pulled. That is what happened to me today at the RE’s office. I went in for a lining check and walked out with a cobalt blue cervical stitch. I thought the stitch was going to be put in later this week but no such luck. My lining looked great (one of the few things that I don’t have a problem with). It amazes me that the LOOK and thickness of my lining is always great, but the hormones floating around in my lining are crap. My doctor has assured me that my body will remember being pregnant and that my natural hormones haven’t had a chance to get back to the old ways of being unreceptive. I’m counting on that! It worries me that so much time has passed since I did the medical menopause. It took so long to get my endometrial lining corrected and I don’t want to discover that it is a problem again.

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately but I’ve been in a strange place lately. I feel like the medicines are really getting to me. I’ve been edgy and depressed. I’ve also got acne like a teenager. As if once wasn’t enough. I hover between hope and fear with this upcoming transfer and that is a strange place to be. I’m trying to put my trust in God but at the same time I’m bitter and angry at God. I wonder why I fell into the 5% error with the CGH testing and had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. It is so unfair and I know that life is not fair. It is so hard to see past this missing piece of my life and enjoy all the great things in my life. Only one week until the transfer! Funny when I type that line I am shouting WOOO HOOO in my mind. Maybe I more hopeful than I think.

WAZ UP?

2010-03-27T20:20:00.004-04:00

I heard someone say WAZ UP on the radio on this morning and it made me laugh. I haven’t heard that in ages. Things are starting to move along with my upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer). I started my period late Sunday evening so I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule my sonohystergram. The nurse scheduled it for Wednesday which I thought was a bit early because I knew I would not be done with my period by then. She said it would be fine. WRONG. I get to the appointment and tell the tech it is cycle day 3 and she said she didn’t think I would be able to have the procedure. UGH! She did the initial exam (wand in the hoo ha to look around) and then went to get the physician’s assistant. The P.A. and nurse came back and said sorry you are still bleeding so we need to push the procedure to Friday. I went back today and the procedure went well. The P.A. was actually able to get the catheter through my cervix without dilating me. I’m glad to have that behind me. I go back April 6^th for my lining check and then later that week for them to put in the dreaded cervical stitch. My transfer is scheduled for April 13^th. We are only planning to put back the one frozen CGH tested embryo.

Yesterday was my DH’s 45^th birthday. Before he got up that morning I said “Happy Birthday” and he said don’t remind me. Since we are planning a nice dinner out on Saturday I just stopped by his favorite pizza place (that doesn’t deliver) and surprised him with a pizza. He was thrilled when he got home and the yummy pizza was waiting for him. He went to get his hair cut after work and I heard him tell his mom on the phone that he got the gray cut out. HA! He has nice white temples and is salt & pepper everywhere else. Right now he is still more pepper than salt. I on the other hand NEVER intend to go gray. That is what I pay my hairdresser buckets of money for.

I went to the movies last night and saw A.lice in Wonder.land in 3D. I highly recommend this movie. It was really good and my friend S and I had fun dodging things in 3D. Tonight my DH & I went to a nice dinner to celebrate his dinner. I was sad to have to skip the cocktails. There is nothing better than a nice glass of wine with a nice meal. However, once I start my fertility meds I stop drinking alcohol and caffeine. At least my DH was able to have a couple of glasses and had a DD to get him home. Cheers!

Weird Week

2010-03-16T20:03:00.001-04:00

Last week was a weird week. On Tuesday I got a call from my ex-sister in-law that my ex-mother-in-law had passed away after a 3 year illness. I’ve been divorced for 16 years but she said that my ex husband had asked her to call me and let me know. She invited me to the viewing that night. The phone call seemed surreal and the reason my ex didn’t call was because his 2^nd wife doesn’t approve of him being friends with me. I would only talk to him a few times a year but for some odd reason she was jealous that we maintained contact. For those of you that don’t know me IRL (in real life) I meet my ex husband when I was 15 years old at a teen “nightclub”. I know how cheesy this sounds now. We lived about an hour apart but started dating and continued to date the last 3 years of high school and then the 4 years I was away at college. We were married about 5 months after I graduated from college and after dating 7 years we were only married 4 years. Looking back I think we only got married because after dating so long it was “the thing to do”. We parted ways amicably and for a few years I maintained contact with his mother but as time moved forward we lost touch. I have to say that going to the funeral home and seeing his entire family and his best friend was so strange. I had not seen his father, step father and one sister since our divorce. I had not seen my ex husband in about 10 years. In some ways I felt like I was stepping back in time. I have 11 years of memories with his family yet so much has changed with them over the past 16 years. I also got to meet the new Mrs which was interesting. She was cordial to me but it was almost funny to see her standing close and guarding “her man”. As if I have any interest in snagging him up for a 2^nd round. I am sorry that the world has lost a wonderful woman and mother.

On a much happier note, I started my Lupron injections on Thursday. It is funny that taking a daily injection in the stomach can cause so much happiness. I do have to admit that for the first 2 days I was quite irritable. I told my acupuncturist this on Saturday so she made some adjustments that have hopefully improved my mood. I know my DH hopes it is improved.

I went Saturday to see the movie Re.mem.ber Me, if you haven’t seen this movie I would suggest you take some Kleenex. I was glad the theater was at the mall because I needed some serious retail therapy to lift my mood (and a glass of wine with dinner).

THIS WEEK

I had my endometrial biopsy/scratch test this morning. It went well and I’m so glad to have that behind me. I think every single one is worse than the one before (with the exception of the time they dropped the biopsy and had to repeat the process). I found out that my RE wants to do a sonohysterogram which is an ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy. I have to wait for my period to start and then wait until all bleeding is done before I can have this done. I will remain on the Lupron shots but won’t be able to begin the Estrace until I have this procedure. This will probably delay my transfer 5 days but my RE wants to do everything possible to ensure I get pregnant again.

I am planning to enjoy the increase in daylight this week and actually get some exercise outdoors. I apologize for slacking off on the blog lately but there really hasn’t been much of interest going on. As things move forward I’ll have more to blog about.

Ingenious Plan

2010-03-07T18:23:00.004-05:00

I apologize for being M.I.A. lately but after we got home from the ski trip I was slammed at work and all I've had the energy for was to read other people's blogs.

My period never started. My RE said it should start about 4 weeks after the D&C. About 25 days after the D&C I started spotting but I never got anything even remotely close to full flow. I began to wonder if the spotting was all there was going to be since I bled so heavily a week after the D&C. I was devastated at the thought of losing another month so I came up with an ingenious plan. I sent "the ingenious plan" to my nurse to ask my RE. The plan was to POAS on ovulation sticks and after I got a positive I would consider that cycle day 14 and start the Lupron shots 7 days later. My RE agreed to my plan. The first day I POAS I got a positive ovulation stick and the next day I got a darker stick, the third day it was stark white so I now had a "cycle day 14". I can't believe I almost missed it. I start my Lupron shots on Thursday and after 10-14 days I should "bleed" and then I will start the Estrace followed up with Progesterone suppositories. I forgot to mention that between day 24 - 26 (March 21-23) my RE wants to do an endometrial biopsy (scratch test). The main purpose of this is to irritate the uterine lining because studies have shown that this increases blood flow to the uterus and can aid in implantation. Of all the things I've had done in the past this is one of the most painful. That being said at this point I will do almost anything to get pregnant.

Aimee - if you are still reading my blog and would like to discuss the enlarged yolk sack in more detail please leave your e-mail in the comments section or leave a note and I can provide you with my e-mail address. I hope things turned out well for you. I had a lot of problems finding much information on the internet regarding this issue.

Black Cloud Continues to Linger

2010-02-24T11:55:00.006-05:00

This black cloud will not go away. I have been suffering from altitude sickness since we got here. We arrived on Sunday and after checking into the hotel we went to the grocery store. When we got back I had a killer headache so my DH told me to lay down for a while and then we would go to dinner. This was at 5:45. I never did get up because my headache would not go away. Poor DH ate trail mix and Oreos for dinner. I woke up feeling better on Monday and we went skiing and had a great day. I had a slight headache but not too bad. We went skiing again yesterday and the conditions were perfect. The picture is of me yesterday and as you can see the sun is shining and it wasn't too cold (around 18-20 degrees). I scheduled a massage yesterday afternoon and I think it unleashed some major toxins. After the massage I felt so nauseous. I got ready for dinner and DH & I went to a yummy Mexican restaurant across from our hotel. We ordered dinner and some made at your table guacamole which is my favorite. By the time it arrived I felt horrible and could not eat. We had to have our dinner (which had not even arrived yet) boxed up to go and I had to come back and get into bed (at 7:45). Poor DH had to eat his dinner in the room. The nausea lasted until around 2am and then a headache replaced it. DH is out skiing this morning while I try to shake off the remains of my headache. Our waitress last night told us about an Oxygen bar near our hotel so I might go check it out later. It is supposed to be good for altitude sickness. I hope to be able to go out and join DH skiing later today.

Also, my period still hasn't started. I'm worried that the minor spotting I experienced last week might have been it or maybe my HGC has to return to zero before it will start. It has been 4 1/2 weeks since the D&C. This is so frustrating because this just delays my next transfer.

Hopefully my next post will be a bit more uplifting.

Nemo on the attack

2010-02-22T23:28:00.002-05:00

My cat sitter S has a little poodle named Pip. Both of them are staying at my house this week. Pip spends his time ignoring the kitties. Roxie (my black and white kitty) is very friendly to everyone but Nemo is a shy big kitty. Nemo will just sit and watch Pip for hours at a time. When S first arrived at my house she feed the kitties and the first mistake Pip made was he tried to eat Nemo's dinner. Nemo LOVES his dinner. I guess Nemo decided he needed to show Pip who was boss. Watch the video and if you have any problems I posted it on You Tube.

Just in case you were wondering Pip was not harmed because Nemo is declawed.

I'll post about our trip tomorrow. Having a nice time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M-S3gBqllU#watch-main-area

Black Cloud

2010-02-20T20:30:00.003-05:00

I think I have a black cloud hanging over my head. We left the house at 10 a.m. this morning and headed to the airport to start our fabulous ski vacation. Only to return home 7 hours later.

Our flight was delayed an hour and then finally we boarded the plane only to hear an announcement that we were going to be further delayed. Then the pilot announced the delay would be 2 hours and we could get off the plane if we wanted but we would be taking off at 3pm. We decided to get off and sit comfortably in the terminal. An hour later we were asked to go retrieve our belongings from the plane because the flight was cancelled due to bad weather (translated lots & lots of snow in Vail). The good news is we were able to extend our return home by one day and the airline did not charge us for the change. Good news/bad news we were able to get a partial refund on our hotel room for tonight and book an extra night (at full cost) but we will have to switch from a studio to a smaller room. The bad news we had to cancel our rental car with a very low rate and book a new car with a very high rate.

And we get to do it all again tomorrow and the snow continues to fall in Vail. I really hope we get there without any major delays because we really need a vacation!

On a totally different note, my HCG is down to 6.9. I was very disappointed that it hasn't gone back to zero yet. I wonder if this is holding up the start of my period. I have been spotting a little bit all week but no period yet. I'm sure it is waiting until I go on vacation.

Looking Forward

2010-02-18T18:56:00.003-05:00

I just looked at the date of my last post and realized it has been over a week since my last post. I can honestly say not too much has been going on lately. I am feeling much better physically and emotionally which is a good thing. I'm sitting around waiting for my period to start so I can move forward with my next transfer.

I met with my doctor today for my failed IVF follow up. Of course I know why the IVF failed because I transferred a CHG tested embryo that had a false negative. It is so sad that after 3 years and many medical procedures I finally get pregnant with a baby that NEVER had a chance to be born. I really am focusing my efforts on moving forward and I am trying very hard to not look backwards.

I do have an upcoming vacation to take my mind off the past month. We are leaving Saturday for a 7 day ski trip in Breckenridge Colorado. I can't wait and I'm sure I'll have lots of lovely snow and mountain pictures to post and some uplifting fun posts next week.

Where is Lady Luck?

2010-02-10T20:46:00.002-05:00

I got a call from my RE yesterday and he received the tissue test results from the D&C. The embryo was ABNORMAL and tested positive for Trisomy 22. This should NOT have happened because we had the embryos genetically tested with CGH (not PGD) and I somehow managed to fall into the 9% error rate group. I’m on a roll with the bad luck when it comes to get pregnant. The lab apologized to my doctor and said they were going to re-test their original slides to see what went wrong. They also told my doctor that if I did another IVF they would do the testing for free. The testing was outrageously expensive (double what PGD costs). This is the same lab that CCRM uses and has such a great success rate. Not to mention that their “next time free” offer does me any good because I think 5 IVF’s is plenty for me. I’m done with that stage of IVF. I still have one frozen CGH tested embryo so I’m praying that is truly normal and I hope the lab can reexamine the slide to ensure it is normal.

In case you need a biology lesson to understand what the heck trisomy means, it is an extra chromosome. You have 23 pairs of chromosomes and an extra chromosome attached to an existing chromosome always leads to an abnormality. Trisomy 21 is Down syndrome. Trisomy 22 almost always results in a miscarriage (2^nd leading cause of spontaneous miscarriage).

So the good news is they found out the problem and why I lost the baby. The bad news is this really should not have happened to a CGH tested embryo.

The Worst was yet to come

2010-02-07T17:11:00.005-05:00

It has been ages since I've posted mainly because nothing much has been going on. I went to the doctor for my post-op appointment on Friday and my HGC level has dropped to 48. I'm glad that it has dropped down quickly but I wish it was down to zero. I have to do another blood draw this Friday to check it again. I guess I will continue to repeat until it is back to zero. We are still waiting on the D&C tissue testing to find out what went wrong. The results should be back in 1 or 2 weeks from now. I discussed with Dr. T when we can try again and he said I can start the Lupron shots on day 21 of my next cycle. I'm patiently waiting on my period to start and then I will begin my count down to day 21. Based on my calculations the next transfer will be around April 1st.

To back up a week - last Friday (1 week after the D&C) was one of the worst days of my life (physically). I started cramping, bleeding and passing clots around 4am. I got up at 6am and took a Percocet so I could make it to work. It was the last working day of the month and I had some things that HAD to be done. I called my Dr and he actually called me back himself. He said the belated bleeding was common and not to worry unless the bleeding was out of control. I started to feel a bit better so I made it in to work but people knew something was wrong with me because I could barely walk upright. I stayed in my office as much as possible and accomplished several tasks through my Percocet haze. I was forced to take a 2nd Percocet around noon (big mistake) and at 2pm I was had completed the most pressing tasks and I came home. I had the beginnings of a migraine (thanks to the Percocet) and the cramping was really picking up. I immediately went to bed with my heating pad only to be woken up around 5pm feeling like I was dying. My head felt like it was going to explode and my uterus felt like it was about to fall out. I'm lucky that my DH is a doctor so I had someone to assure me that I wasn't going to die and that I didn't need to go to the ER. I was so naive. I thought that the D&C would help me to avoid most of the miscarriage side effects. I stayed in bed the remainder of Friday and the next day everything was fine and all bleeding had stopped. Just like nothing had ever happened.

This past week I've been in a real funk. I'm sad, depressed, and angry. I know these are normal feelings and that I have to give myself time to grieve. I'm just really tired of being on the infertility roller coaster. There is nothing fun about this and after 3+ years of trying I'm worn out. I hate the fact that I can't "try" again until almost April. That seems so far away. I want instant gratification. I'm tired of being patient and thinking positive. Losing my first pregnancy ever has drained me and a little piece of my heart died with the baby. The question I keep asking myself is when will it be my turn and will it ever be my turn?

Looking Ahead

2010-01-28T19:21:00.005-05:00

Thanks to everyone for the support, cards and gorgeous flowers (from my SIL). Of course my nosy kitty Roxie had to get in the picture.

I'm doing okay, not great but not too bad either. Being pregnant already feels like a dream or as if it never happened.

This might be a bit TMI but the bleeding from the D&C seems to have gotten worse instead of better. I'm planning to call me RE tomorrow and make sure this is normal. I go back on Feb 5th for my 2 week check up. I am hoping that my HCG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) is back to zero but I think it might take a bit longer than two weeks. I just want my body to get back to normal so we can try again.

Sometimes it seems there is no safe place for an infertile girl. I went to the dentist this week to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist asked how my family was doing. Since I'm the only one in my family of two who goes to him I said "oh I don't have any children" and he said he thought I did. I just no not me. He then proceeded to say how lucky I was and that his two children were such a pain, etc. Then the hygienist chimes in "that is why she gets to go on vacations, etc." I just had to sit in chair and think to myself you people have NO F-ing clue!!! The worst part of the story is my dentist has 2 adopted children because his wife was unable to conceive. You would think someone that had been through that would know better than to make a comment to someone my age without children. Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you will be able to appreciate that story.

As a side note I just wanted to say that I witnessed a small miracle this week. My friend S had to go out of the country on business. She has an adorable tiny poodle named Pip. When the dog sitter came to pick up Pip he got lose and ran away on Tuesday. So many people have been searching for this tiny dog and I even joined the search last night. That is probably the most exercise I've gotten in the past 10 weeks. It seemed so hopeless because he is small, very nervous and he ran quite a distance from home. We had people searching at various times of the day and night and only one spotting yesterday at 10am and again he managed to disappear. Well Pip was caught today by a neighbor and I feel like this is a miracle from God. He answered many prayers and S can finish her business trip in peace. Thank you God for rescuing Pip.

D&C

2010-01-23T19:39:00.004-05:00

I woke up yesterday morning and felt at peace with the upcoming procedure. Feeling disappointed is like putting on a comfy pair of pajamas, it is something I'm use to. The happiness I felt for the past 8 weeks is gone but not forgotten.

My mom took me to my appointment and I felt brave until I was filling out the paper work and I had to fill out a form for my county entitled Record of Miscarriage. I think at that moment it really hit me. I wasn't there for an egg retrieval or some other procedure I was there to have my dead baby removed from my uterus.

The D&C went well and I've had very little pain or bleeding. It will take about 3 or 4 weeks for the genetic tissue testing results come back. I laid around resting yesterday. My DH came home early and was here when my mom & I got home. He has been very sweet and seems to be sad. It is hard for me to know how he is really feeling because as a physician he is use to suppressing his feelings.

The outpouring of support both IRL and in blog land has been amazing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family and group of friends. My friend Sunshine came to hang out with me today and watch movies. She even brought an awesome dinner with dessert. I'm going to church tomorrow with my friend S and then I'm treating myself to a hot stones massage.

I just have to keep moving forward and trust in God to get me through this rough time.

No Heartbeat

2010-01-20T10:33:00.003-05:00

Today was a very sad day. I went for my ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for this so it didn't come as a total surprise yet I had hoped that God would perform a miracle and save my little baby. The baby only measured at 7 weeks 2 days (last week he measured at 7 weeks 1 day). I am 9 weeks and 4 days today. I've scheduled a D&C for Friday at noon. They will send the tissue to a lab for testing to try to determine the cause of death. Normally this is a genetic issue, however we put back a genetically tested embryo so the cause is a bit of a mystery. It will take 3 - 4 weeks to get the lab results back. There is a 3-10% margin of error with CGH tested embryos. If the embryo comes back genetically normal then I'm not sure how we will proceed. My RE said that we would have to try some different medicines, etc. Two weeks after the D&C I will have to go back for blood work and continue to do this until my HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) goes back to zero. It will probably be at least 3 months before I can do another transfer. I would like to do another transfer as soon as possible because I don't want my body to have a chance to reset itself back to its old ways. The only "good" news I heard today is at least I got pregnant and hopefully my body will remember how to do that again. I apologize to my real life friends because this is basically the same e-mail I sent out to earlier today.

I have to compliment my RE's office on the way they handled everything today. Everyone there was so amazing. My RE explained the situation to the ultrasound tech before I was called back so she was super sweet and sympathetic and asked me had my RE explained what we expected to fine. I said yes that I had a good idea. She did the ultrasound very quickly and then ushered me directly to a room (without having to go back to the waiting area). My RE came in and gave me a very big hug and just said how sorry he was. He spend a lot of time with me talking about everything and answered all my questions. He told me that he hoped I didn't blame myself for what had happened because a lot of women think if they would have only done this or that they wouldn't be having a miscarriage. I told him I knew I had done everything in my power to make this happen so no I don't blame myself. He also said that I needed to allow myself to go through the stages of grief. He said he knew I internalized a LOT (which is true) and he had seen more tears from me this past week than he had in the 3 years I've been seeing him. I really hate to cry in front of people and last week I got a tiny bit weepy when I was there but today there were real tears falling freely.

Thanks goes out to my mom who was with me today holding my hand through all of this. I know her heart is breaking just as much as mine and this isn't easy on her either. No parent wants to see their child hurting knowing there is nothing that they can do to ease the pain.

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and sweet thoughts. My heart is broken and I'm very sad and disappointed as you can imagine. Today has been a rough day and I'm sure Friday won't be any better.

Anointed

2010-01-18T18:07:00.001-05:00

“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven” (James 5:14-15, NKJV).

My sister asked one of the elders of her church to come over to and pray for me on Sunday while I was visiting at my dad’s house. The elder asked me to explain what was going on with the baby and then read some words of scripture (Joshua 10:12-13). He also said that I had to be careful and not make the want of a baby an idol above God. My family then gathered around me and everyone placed a hand on me and he read James 5:14-15 and rubbed some oil on my forehead and prayed for the baby. He explained that the oil was just baby oil and that it wasn’t any type of magical oil. It was just symbolic. I know this must really sound strange and I was very nervous when my sister mentioned it to me. My family is Baptist, but once I became an adult and started to attend church on my own I’ve attended nondenominational churches. I think this was a nice thing that my sister did and it has given me some peace of mind. I keep reminding myself that God is in charge and whatever the outcome on Wednesday I have to remember that God has a reason for everything even if we don’t understand what that is. I have a lot of people praying for me and my pray is for God to let the baby be ok and if not to grant me peace and acceptance.

Enlarged Yolk Sac

2010-01-14T17:49:00.003-05:00

I was feeling a bit stressed about my last visit and the baby measuring behind a week so I called for an appointment this week. The baby has grown but is still behind. He is measuring 7 weeks 1 day and I was 8 weeks 4 days when the scan was taken. I did hear the heart beat which is so amazing but then I got some bad news. The yolk sac is measuring 9.2 mm and it should be disappearing and becoming the umbilical cord. This is an indication that something might be abnormal with the baby and I could suffer a miscarriage.

I found this on-line: The yolk sac first appears during the fifth week of pregnancy and grows to be no larger than 6 mm. Yolk sacs larger than 6 mm are usually indicative of an abnormal pregnancy.

I'm trying to stay strong and positive but it is really hard right now. I know that God is in control but I just can't understand why he would bring me so far in my quest to have a baby only to snatch it away. I go back on Wednesday Jan 20th for another ultrasound. I will keep everyone up to date.

Snow in Georgia

2010-01-10T09:10:00.004-05:00

We got a rare 1/2 inch of snow in Atlanta on Friday. Of course the city shut down because we aren't equipped to deal with snow. All the schools closed and lots of people couldn't make the drive to work. I live close enough that I knew I would be able to make the 6 mile drive in. Most of my staff was late but at least they made it work safely. The picture is from my front porch, isn't it pretty.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today. I will post a picture later but my husband left for the gym before I was up and showered. I have been so exhausted this week. I can barely function in the afternoons at work and of course I'm slammed with closing the books for the end of the year and trying to get ready for the auditors. I even had to work yesterday and I really needed to stay home and rest. I still haven't gained any weight which is my goal. If I can make it 12 weeks without gaining anything I will be thrilled.

I was so tired when I posted about my doctor visit on Wednesday that I left off several things. My doctor is thrilled that I am finally pregnant. Of course he told me that I'm not really out of the woods yet and we needed to hit 12 weeks to get past the danger zone. I have 4 weeks left. I woke up at 5am in a bit of a panic thinking about this. My next ultrasound isn't until Jan. 20th. I'm debating calling and seeing if I can get one this week. I want this so badly and I'm trying so hard to keep the fear away but it is really difficult. My RE did tell me I could reduce my estrogen and progesterone medicines. He also said I could exercise but not to get my heart rate over 140 bpm. I have a treadmill and an elliptical at home plus I bought a prenatal yoga DVD. Hopefully soon I'll have a little bit of spare energy to actually do something. He also said I could continue acupuncture. He said he didn't know what value it really offered after you were pregnant but it was my decision. My acupuncturist wants me to come until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I had an appointment yesterday but it was cancelled due to the snow and ice. I love acupuncture and I find it very relaxing so I plan to continue going over the next 4 weeks.

I'm off to shower and get ready for church. I will post my belly picture later today or tomorrow.

Heart Beat

2010-01-06T16:33:00.002-05:00

We heard the heart beat today and it was so amazing. The baby is the tiny dot in between the two plus signs. He is measuring 6 weeks 4 days even though I'm 7 weeks 4 days. The RE said not to worry as long as the heart beat was present and everything looked good. Hearing the heart made everything real. I haven't had any morning sickness and my breast aren't sore (but they are getting bigger). I go back in 2 weeks for my next ultrasound and I will stay with my RE until I'm 12 weeks.

I feel so blessed by God right now and my sister told me any time I feel afraid that I need to say "Step away from my joy filled Spirit Satan". I like that visualization and plan to practice it.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone reading my blog and posting comments, it means a lot to me to be able to share this journey.

Happy New Year 2010

2010-01-03T18:22:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year! I'm 7 weeks pregnant today. I still can't get my head around the fact that I'm actually pregnant. I wake up each morning and thank God for this miracle and the last thing I do each night is thank God again and ask him to keep the baby safe and snuggled into my uterus. The spotting has stopped for now and that is a relief.

I haven't really had any symptoms yet. I hope I will be one of the lucky girls that doesn't get morning sickness. If I wait to long to eat then I might get a tiny bit queasy but that is the only symptom beside being tired. I've actually lost 2lbs since week 5 and I think that is due to eating less junk and sweets. I've been trying to eat healthier (more veggies and less starches). I read that you should only gain between 2 - 4 lbs the first trimester so I have made that my goal. I bought a prenatal yoga DVD and if I get the all clear from my RE on Wednesday then I want to start doing a little light exercise.

Wednesday is the ultrasound to hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm so excited and my husband was able to rearrange his schedule to go with me and my mom. I can't wait to share the experience with everyone.

Angry Cervix

2009-12-30T17:58:00.003-05:00

My cervix has not been cooperating since before getting pregnant so I don't know why I would expect it to suddenly start behaving. It has become irritated from the progesterone suppositories and I started spotting yesterday. I was a bit freaked out and placed a call to the emergency nurse (the office has been closing early during the holiday season). She confirmed my suspicion that it was just an irritated cervix. I just want to have a smooth pregnancy and I really think I deserve that after everything I've been through to get here.

On a happier note, I had my 5th Beta today and it was 20,453. When I spoke to the nurse this morning she said it would probably rise to 10,000 or 12,000. I thought that seemed low since my last one 8 days ago was 5,083. She said everything looked great and my next appointment will be the ultrasound. I cannot wait!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T09:23:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

December ICLW

2009-12-22T18:33:00.003-05:00

Welcome ICLW bloggers. I am 42 years old and pregnant for the first time. It has been a long 3 year journey to get here. I did 5 IVF’s but only 3 transfers. I have unexplained infertility but along the way we discovered that my endometrial lining was emitting too much cyclin E during the luteal phase of the endometrial cycle. The only way to attempt to correct this was 3 months of medically induced menopause. I have done this twice. The first time (prior to IVF#3) I have no idea if it worked because although that IVF yielded 14 embryos the genetic testing revealed they were all abnormal. It was a year and 2 IVF’s later that I was put back into medical menopause (via Lupron Depot shots) and as soon as I was done we transferred one CGH tested embryo and it stuck! I’m now 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my miracle baby. This happened only by the grace of God.

Can you believe that Christmas is just 3 days away? I hope everyone has their shopping done. I actually got mine done early this year because I didn’t want to be stressed out during my 2 week wait nor did I want to take a chance of getting sick.

Today’s beta was 5,083 and everything is on track. I will have one more beta next Wed (Dec 30^th) and then my first ultrasound will be Jan 6^th to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I can’t wait for that appointment. I’m excited and nervous all rolled into one. I just continue to pray that God will carry me through this pregnancy.

So far the only symptom I’ve had is being exhausted. I can barely function at work and things are only going to get a whole lot worse. I’m a corporate accountant and we are fast approaching our corporate year end close. In January I have a really tight time frame to close the books and get ready for the auditors to descend upon me like a swarm of bees. I always dread January and I’m praying the morning sickness doesn’t kick in soon. I hope to be one of those lucky girls who sail through my pregnancy without it.

God's Miracle Unfolds

2009-12-20T14:56:00.004-05:00

I'm 5 weeks today and attached is my first belly shot. I think it will be fun to watch my belly grow (but I'm not looking forward to watching my booty grow). I'm not planning to post my starting weight because I gained about 10-12 LBS from all the fertility drugs or as I like to call it my non-baby weight.

My beta on Friday went well, my hcG went from 528 to 1,386 so it is more than doubling each 48 hours. So far this indicates that I have a strong little baby growing inside me. I go back on Tuesday for another beta. My first ultrasound will be Jan 5th. It would normally be the around Dec 31st but my RE is out of town. I'm so looking forward to that first u/s when I get to hear the baby's heart beat.

So far no symptoms good or bad. My girlfriend J told me to enjoy this next week because the symptoms normally hit around 6 weeks. I had my DH pick up some soda crackers today just in case I need them soon.

A friend asked me if I was planning to continue the blog and the answer is yes! I want to document this journey and I hope everyone will continue to follow God's miracle as it unfolds.

Early Christmas

2009-12-16T20:57:00.003-05:00

I wanted to write a quick post to let everyone know that my beta more than doubled over the past 48 hours. It was 528 today. This is an indicator that everything is progressing as it should. I go back Friday for a 3rd blood draw and then I will continue to go back every few days until my beta reaches 10,000.

My husband's parents are out of the country so we decided to send them an e-mail to let them know we are expecting. I sent the attached picture with a note that Christmas came early at our house. I know they will be thrilled since this will only be there 2nd grandchild. I can't wait to hear there responses. I only wish my husband could have told them in person.

God's Answer to my Prayers

2009-12-14T18:12:00.004-05:00

God has answered my prayers! I'm pregnant!!! After 3 very long years of trying to get pregnant it finally happened. I want to thank everyone who has been praying for me. Your prayers mean so much and this would not have happened without them. I've questioned God and his timing so much but as one friend pointed out to me this is my turn. So many of my friends have been pregnant this year and it has been a hard year for me but now I will have their wisdom and new mother experiences to help me.

My beta today was 165.6 (hcG level). I go back on Wednesday and the number should double. This is one way to determine a viable pregnancy. I still have to continue taking my estrace pills and the progesterone suppositories until further notice. I think in two weeks I will get to hear the heartbeat. I'm scared but I've decided to enjoy every day of being pregnant and not let the fear take root. God has already mapped out his path for me and this baby and worrying will not change that. I will be constantly reminding myself of that.

Thank you God!

Sew Busy & The Dreaded Two Week Wait

2009-12-10T20:17:00.005-05:00

Sew Busy

I have been busy this year cross stitching baby gifts for all the people that I know who have been or are about to have a baby. The attached picture is going to be my niece Olivia's Christmas present. It took me about 5 months to stitch this design but I think it was time well spent.

The Dreaded Two Week Wait (actually mine is 10 days)

I can honestly say that this past week has been the longest week of my life. I feel like I'm just sitting and waiting! I have none of my normal distractions and I'm completely distracted and work and can barely concentrate. I'm trying to put off the more difficult stuff (if it can wait) until next week. I can't exercise and I'm not shopping much because hopefully I will be pregnant and won't need new (non-maternity) clothes for a while. I finished 90% of my Christmas shopping prior to the transfer and I wrapped and mailed all my gifts this week. I'm hovering between hopeful and doubtful. I'm excited and scared. I'm looking forward to Monday but I'm dreading it at the same time. I've spent every spare moment praying and begging God to let this be my turn to get pregnant. I'm meditating at night with an IVF CD that helps me visualize the embryo implanting and it provides me with positive affirmation that I've done everything I can possibly do to make this a success. I want this more than anything else right now. We have so much love to give our child and we are ready to give that love.

I'm P.U.P.O

2009-12-07T19:03:00.003-05:00

P.U.P.O stands for "pregnant until proven otherwise". That is my status right now. I keep repeating it to myself. I had a nice weekend lounging around and being taken care of by my mother and my girlfriends. My mother stayed Friday night and cooked a yummy dinner for us. On Saturday my girlfriend S brought breakfast and hung out with me for a while. She also brought her tiny poodle Pip for a visit. The kitties like to ignore Pip which is funny. On Saturday evening my friend Sunshine brought dinner and a movie. My DH got off good this weekend but he did go do the grocery shopping. On Sunday S came back over and hung out with me and then that evening my dad and stepmother dropped by with some food from a Christmas family gathering that I was unable to attend.

I went back to work today and this week should be relatively stress free. This next weekend will be busy so hopefully I will have enough distractions to keep me from POAS (peeing on a stick). Since I'm home early tonight (no gym for me) I'm actually cooking dinner. I hope my DH doesn't get use to this.

Transfer Day

2009-12-04T19:15:00.003-05:00

This is our beautiful embryo that was transferred today. The transfer went well after a few false starts. I had to drink 40 oz of water prior to getting to the office and my bladder was SUPER full. My doctor was running late so the U/S tech said I could let out a little bit of urine. That is one of the hardest things to do. Super full bladder + having to stop in midstream = torture.

I posted before that my cervix seems to be closed up and that is the reason I had to have the cervical stitch. The first attempt at getting the catheter in did not go well so my RE decided to use a different sized catheter. He got this through my cervix easily while I watched on the ultrasound screen. Oh, I forgot to mention that the u/s tech was pressing the wand on my super full bladder the entire time. After the transfer the embryologist takes the catheter back in the lab to make sure it is empty. Of course mine was NOT. The embryo was stuck in the tip of the catheter. This is not harmful to the embryo which was my first thought. My RE had to use yet another type of catheter and everything went perfect on the last attempt. He then removed the cervical stitch and I didn't even feel it.

After lying on the table for about 20 minutes and spending 10 minutes emptying my bladder my mom drove me to the acupuncturist. I had a nice relaxing session and then came home to lie on the couch. My weekend plans are to lie flat on my back. My mom cooked dinner tonight and I have a friend bring me breakfast tomorrow and another friend bringing over a movie & dinner tomorrow night. My DH is getting off easy this weekend.

My beta (pregnancy test) is December 14th. These next 10 days are going to seem like eternity. Please keep the prayers going strong.

Last Meal

2009-12-03T22:57:00.004-05:00

I had a lovely sushi dinner tonight with my mother. I am hoping this will be the last sushi I am able to eat for nine months. My mother lives about an hour away so she is spending the night tonight and taking me to the transfer tomorrow.

My transfer is at 12:30 p.m. and I have the last appointment slot so I can take as much time as I need lying on the table afterwards. I'm planning to spend 30 minutes lying flat on my back, then we are going straight to acupuncture to help calm my uterus and get the blood flowing directly to the uterus to allow for optimal conditions for implantation. When I get home I will update my blog.

I have had so many texts, phone calls and e-mails from my IRL friends and my blog buddies. I really appreciate the kind words and prayers. I'm praying hard for a miracle.

A Stitch in Mine

2009-12-02T22:02:00.002-05:00

WARNING: Daddy skip this post - please

I went to the RE yesterday for my cervical stitch. My appointment was at 7.30 am - not the best way to start a Tuesday morning. I knew I was in trouble when the nurse kept saying "Oh, I'm sorry you have to have this. Yikes! Step 1 - spray the cervix with acid (I mean numbing spray). Step 2 - inject the cervix multiple times with numbing solution. However cervix isn't yet numb from spray so I felt the injections. Step 3 - put in stitch which involved lots of tugging and pressure. Done. My RE said that he was going to leave the thread long so it would be easy to remove on the day of the transfer. He said it would be like a tampon string and not to worry about it. I asked him if I could still work out because I didn't want to do anything to bust the stitch. I ONLY asked about working out but his response was you can work out, have inter.course (his word not mine), do most anything and not bust the stitch.

Fast forward to lunch time. I met my girlfriend JG for lunch and excused myself to run to the restroom. As I finished up I noticed not 1 but 2 cobalt blue 5 inch strings hanging out of my whoo-ha. I was NOT expecting that! I told JG I don't know what the RE was thinking when he said I could have s.e.x because what if those strings got wrapped around DH's joystick. I can only imagine that 911 call.

Everything is set for the transfer on Friday. I went to acupuncture on Monday and I'm going again tomorrow and then again Friday after the transfer. There went those new boots I saw at DSW today.

I want to take a moment to thank all the people that are praying for me. Just knowing how many people are praying for me fills my heart with love and joy. Thank you.

Thanksgiving at the Beach

2009-11-28T22:37:00.006-05:00

I have been at the beach in Florida visiting my in-laws for the holidays. Today was a gorgeous day and I took a long walk on the beach. As I as walking along I snapped the attached picture with my i-phone. It was sunny and just perfect today and I even got sunburned. Nothing like a tank top tan in November.

Thanksgiving day we had a nice dinner and spent the day visiting and chasing around our 3 year old niece. I missed shopping on Black Friday but I did go to the movies with my sis-in-law. We saw Blind.Side and it is a great movie. Today more hanging out but I managed to take a nice long walk. We are headed home tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to seeing my fur babies. My friend S and her little poodle have been house sitting for me and taking care of the kitties.

The Estrace is going well and I haven't had any side effects (that I'm aware of but my DH might disagree). I started he Endometrin suppositories yesterday and tomorrow I will begin the Doxyclcyline & Medrol. In six long days I will be having my transfer. I can't believe it is almost here.

Unexpected Surprises

2009-11-25T20:37:00.006-05:00

I received the nicest surprise in the mail on Monday from my friend D that lives in North Carolina. The angel is holding a seashell and on the bottom of the angel it says "thinking of you". This gift could not have come at a better time. I had just come home from visiting my friend J at the hospital. She gave birth to twins (b/g) on Monday after a battle with infertility. I'm so happy for her but it is a painful reminder that I started trying before her and I still have nothing to show for my 3 year battle with infertility. Thanks D for your thoughtfulness.

I went on Tuesday morning for my lining check. I had an ultrasound and my lining measured at 8.3. I'm totally on track for the transfer next Friday. I have to go back on Tuesday for the cervical stitch and discuss how many embryos to thaw out. We are only planning to put one back.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. We are in Daytona Beach Florida spending the holiday with my in-laws and my DH's sisters and 3 year old niece. I'm sure I'll have some stories to blog about later.

Same Story - Different Nephew

2009-11-22T19:32:00.006-05:00

I had a lovely pre-Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's house today. I even baked a broccoli casserole to take with us. It was a lovely day and all of my family was there, including my niece who lives in Tennessee (her husband is in the Army) and my nephew who is in the Army in North Carolina. It was nice to be together and I got to hold my 19 year old nephew's 3 month old baby. She is a darling little girl with big eyes and a sweet disposition. As I looked at that little miracle my heart skipped a beat or two thinking that maybe this time next year that will be me.

As the day came to an end and just a few of us were sitting in the living room my sister R said guess who's pregnant. Only my married niece and unmarried 21 year old nephew were in the room. I of course looked at my niece as my nephew's girlfriend raised her hand. WHAT?? I was in shock (which probably saved me from bursting into tears right away). After the shock wore off I had to excuse myself so I could have a mini cry in the bathroom. I felt like someone had slammed me in the heart with a sledgehammer. Both my sister's hugged me tight when I came back in the room and said how sorry they were. My nephew is in college on a baseball scholarship with a promising future as a professional baseball player. I know my sister R is crushed because this of course changes everything. They both have 3 semesters of college left but the baby will be here in July so I have no idea what will happen now. Every baby is a miracle and gift from God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, but could the timing be any worse for them? I feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. Really. My brother & nephew both had a baby this year and now my other nephew is expecting. 3 new babies are entering my family in 1 year and I'm about to enter my 3rd year of just trying to get pregnant. No one ever said life was fair.

IVF FUN! WHAT???

2009-11-20T18:36:00.007-05:00

I went to pick up my reading glasses tonight at the eye doctor (yeah I know I'm old) and it reminded me of what happened last week when I went to get my eyes examined. The female doctor was asking me of any changes and I said my eyes seemed to be drier than normal. She asked about any changes and I said I'd been taking hormones for IVF and her comment was FUN! After I closed my mouth I just looked at her and said "not really". We left it at that. Yes it was fun the first time when I was naive and thought it would work and I'd have a sweet little baby nine months later but after 5 IVF's and 3 years later there is nothing fun about this process. Fun is a roll in hay that results in a baby nine months later.

I started my estrace pills last Sunday and after a few days of headaches I feel like my old self again. I normally get headaches when estrogen is reintroduced into my system but they only last a couple of days. I go on Tuesday for an ultrasound to check my lining and some blood work. Things are going slowly right now but at least I have Thanksgiving and a trip to the beach to distract me. My in-laws live in a condo over looking the beach so that will be a nice way to spend the holiday.

I took this photo Saturday at the Atlanta Zoo. I imagine this what I will feel like after eating an early Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday at my dad's house and then another Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with the in-laws. I even plan to help cook dinner on Thursday and for those of you that know me IRL (in real life) you know this will be a huge undertaking for me. I really dislike cooking but hopefully everything will turn out yummy and I won't have to help with the dishes.

No More Panties

2009-11-13T21:07:00.003-05:00

I have been transferring clothes from my old dresser to my new dresser and I was doing this I suddenly noticed I have a LOT of panties. They were all just jammed in my old dresser but I decided to stack lay them flat in stacks by color. So I stacked and I stacked and I stacked. I started to realize I have a LOT of panties. So I started counting them and my final number was 164. That didn't include the stack I threw away or the ones still in the dirty clothes hamper. I have enough undies to not have to wash for almost 1/3 of the year. I really have no idea how I've managed to amass so many undies, but guess what arrived in the mail today? My V.S. panty coupon, I guess one more pair can't hurt.

Nemo enjoying the new bed and acting like we bought it just for him. Oh right, we did!

Fur Babies

2009-11-08T16:22:00.003-05:00

I have 2 darling little fur baby kitties Roxie (black & white female) and Nemo (solid black male). We've had them about 1 1/2 years and they are brother & sister. My question today is how much is too much? We just bought new bedroom furniture in order to upgrade to a king size bed because there wasn't enough room in our queen size bed for all four of us. Does that make me a crazy cat lady? We do love our new furniture and so do the kitties. They think we bought it just for them, oh right, we did.

I went to my last scheduled baby shower today and it went well. No tears this time so I'm making progress. My friend M looked great and has only gained 25 lbs and has 7 weeks to go. She decided not to find out the sex of the baby so it will be a surprise. We all complained because everyone was forced to buy gender neutral gifts. I guess that element of surprise will not come into play for me if I get pregnant because my best 3 frozen embryos are boys. I have 2 girl embryos but they are both slow growers so they will be last ones to put back.

I start my drugs next Sunday and I'm having the stitch put into my cervix on Dec 1st and the transfer will be Dec 4th. The time won't pass by fast enough for me! I'm so ready to take the next step.

Objects of Torture

2009-10-30T21:41:00.005-04:00

I had the sonohysterogram yesterday and it did NOT go according to plan. According to my RE my cervix was closed tight. He could not get the catheter in so after a bit of poking and prodding he decided to dilate my cervix and use a smaller catheter. In order to dilate the cervix he sprayed my cervix with some numbing spray which feels like someone is spraying your who-ha with acid. My cervix was very sensitive yesterday so every thing he did was painful. He finally got the catheter in and then inserted the saline into my uterus. I'm pleased to say everything looked great in the uterus. There were no abnormalities. However the closed up cervix presents a problem because when I go for the embryo transfer everything has to go smoothly. You don't want to aggravate the cervix or dilate on transfer day because it is not good for implantation. I now have to go in about 4 days before my transfer and my RE is going to insert a stitch into my cervix (can't wait for that). I asked what was the purpose of the stitch and he said so he could get traction and help the catheter go in straight through the canal. This is why they like to do a trial run before transfer time to make sure there are no problems on transfer day.

Happy Halloween from Roxie & Nemo.

The Ball is Rolling (Slowly)

2009-10-27T21:22:00.003-04:00

I finally have my calendar for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and it is December 4th. I start my drugs to prepare my uterus on Nov. 15th. It is great to have something to look forward to because it has been a long wait.

On Thursday I'm having a sonohysterogram. For those of you who don't know what this is I'll explain. A sonohysterogram is to detect abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus. The doctor will insert saline through a soft flexible plastic catheter while an ultrasound wand is monitoring the entire thing on a computer screen. The saline is injected into the uterine cavity to separate the walls and allow the doctor to see if any abnormalities exist. I had this done prior to my last transfer in March 2008 and luckily there were no issues. I will also have a "sounding" at the same time. The "sounding" is like a mock transfer to ensure the doctor can insert the same type of catheter that will be used during the actual transfer. I'm praying that all goes well.

Other Happenings & Updates: I decided NOT to go to the shower for the girl that is just an acquaintance. I sent a gift and just said that I had a conflict and could not make it. I decided there was no reason to put myself through the agony of a shower for someone I don't even know that well. I have one more shower to attend on Nov 8th and I adore the mommy-to-be so I look forward to seeing her. She no longer lives in Atlanta but some of her friends here decided to throw her a shower so it will be nice to see her again.

I'll post again after the sonohysterogram on Thursday.

Jury Duty

2009-10-20T20:57:00.005-04:00

I was called for Jury Duty back in August and I requested a deferment because I was about to go on vacation. Well my deferment came due today. I had to drive to a sketchy part of Atlanta at the crack of dawn (7am but seemed like the crack of dawn) and serve my county. What a LONG and drawn out process. This was the first time I've ever had to go to jury duty. They make you wait in a huge room with about 400 other people and then they call your name (after 2 hours) and send you to a court room. I was juror #67 out of #68. I went to the court room and they tell you what the trial is and then ask a bunch of "group" questions and if they apply to you then you hold up your laminated juror number. That lasted about an hour. After that they had Row 1 stay, row 2 return in 1 1/2 hrs, row 3 to return at 2.15 and row 4,5 & 6 return at 3.30. It was 11.45 AM so I had nearly 4 hours to kill. UGH! This part of Atlanta isn't the nice area with all the shops, it is the area surrounded by homeless people. I did take myself to a nice lunch and I had a great piece of homemade key lime pie.

I walked back (about 1/2 mile) to the courthouse and sat in the sunshine for about another hour. At 3.30 a large group of us waited in the hallway on hard wooden benches. And we waited and waited. They called in a few people but they only made it to #48 before they had selected their 14 jurors. This was around 6pm. We all had to file back into the courtroom and after another hour we were finally free to go. Unbelievable process and I was never in the running to be a juror. I would say an entire day wasted but it was a small lesson about how our justice system works.

In case you are wondering the trial was for a teacher that was beaten by a 17 year old female student and her mother (the mother was tried last week and got 1 year in jail).

On a happy note, I had my 3rd and final shot this morning. YEAH! I'm planning to call the RE tomorrow and see if I can get my schedule for the FET. I hope to start the process in 28 days. It is like seeing a faint light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Showers Galore

2009-10-18T22:33:00.008-04:00

I've been invited to three baby showers over the next few weeks. Yesterday was the first of the 3 baby showers and it was for a really old friend of mine. I met her the first day of college and she lived next door to me in the dorm. I'm really showing my age but that was 24 years ago (1985). Even thought we no longer live in the same state we have always kept in touch. It was great to see my girlfriend and the shower was nice. I thought I was doing well but as I walked out the door to my car I could feel the tears building up and by the time I got into my car they were pouring down my face. It was much harder than I had imagined and it left me in a major funk the rest of the day. Shower #2 is for a girl that is more of an acquaintance than friend so I will probably just skip that one. I bought a gift and RSVP but now I'm having second thoughts. I will make the final decision based on how I'm feeling.

On the IVF side of things I take my FINAL shot on Tuesday. I'm planning to call my RE's office to see if I can get my schedule for the FET (frozen embryo transfer). According to my schedule it should be the second week of December. I will either have a wonderful Christmas or one that really sucks. I praying for a good one!

I was nominated for an award:

Thanks Rachel for nominating me for this award!

Shrimp, Shrimp & more Shrimp

2009-10-13T21:31:00.002-04:00

I went to visit an old friend of mine in South Alabama this weekend. We met in 1990 at work and she moved back to her home in Alabama a few years later but we have always kept in touch. I drove down on Friday afternoon and got there in time for dinner. Amanda made a yummy shrimp bisque for dinner. The next morning we got up and went to the Shrimp Festival in Gulf Shores. The last time I went to this event was about 19 years ago. We had such a good time. We walked around in 80+ degrees and looked at all the awesome vendor booths and of course there were tons of food vendors. I had a basket of fried shrimp and fries. Yum! We took a walk on the beach and dipped our feet in the warm water. Before we left we split a funnel cake. Seriously when was the last time you had a funnel cake? It was just as good as I remembered. That night we went to dinner at the Original Oyster Bar and guess what I had for dinner? More shrimp. The visit flew by and after a home cooked meal with Amanda's in-laws I drove home.

I had a five hour drive home by myself and that gave me a lot of time to think. Amanda has two teenagers and as I looked around her house at all the pictures of her children growing up I thought to myself that is what I want. I want to have cute drawings hanging on my refrigerator, I want pictures of my child sitting on Santa's lap, I want so many things but most of all I want a baby.

I only have 5 weeks left of menopause. I take my last shot next Tuesday and hopefully 4 weeks later I will start the drugs for my transfer. Stay Tuned.

I DID IT!

2009-10-04T14:43:00.005-04:00

I DID IT! I walked a 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles) and I did it in under 3 hours. My unofficial time is 2.57. It was much hillier than I had anticipated but it was fun. Sarah & I were able to maintain a pace of 14 minute miles so there was no fear of the bus picking us up. (If you were unable to walk the entire race in less than 3hr 30 min there was a bus that would pick you up so they could open the roads back up).

I've had a busy week. My in-laws were visiting for 6 days and we had a nice visit. I made a huge lasagna on Thursday and invited my dad and stepmother to join us for dinner. I think everyone was impressed with dinner because they all know I don't like to cook and somehow my dad thinks this translates to I can't cook. I can I just don't care to.

My bible study started back this week. The group that puts it on is Church 4 Chicks and this fall

our study is called "Wisdom is a Girls Best Friend". I think the timing is perfect because I need an outlet to get close to God again and soften my heart. My girlfriend sent me an e-mail recently and said that she thought about me while doing her devotional last week. One thing she sent me was "Patience means awaiting God's time without doubting God's love". I like that.

Here is a shot of my well earned t-shirt. I just hope I'm not hobbling around like an old woman tomorrow. Cheers!

Shot #2

2009-09-25T23:11:00.005-04:00

Well 2 down and one to go! I had my second shot on Tuesday night and it wasn't nearly as painful as shot #1.

We survived the Georgia floods with only a little water in the basement. The pictures of the local floods on the news have been unbelievable and quite sad. There were 9 deaths (one of a two year old boy ripped from his fathers arms by the strong currents). My county was declared a federal disaster area and yet we escaped from the devastation. I know this was only by the grace of God. The picture to the left is of my driveway.

On a happier note, I've been staying busy. I went to Martinis and IMAX tonight. The movie was the Living Sea - Get Swept Away, narrated by Meryl Streep. It was a beautiful film and the soundtrack was written and sung by Sting. Tomorrow night I am going to see the country band Sugarland at an outdoor venue. That should be interesting since we have an 80% chance of rain and flash flood warning. It will be an adventure.

EDIT to my last post: I do think walking is boring, but wanted to say that my walking partner Sarah is NOT boring - she ROCKS!

Snake Ahead

2009-09-21T18:38:00.005-04:00

My friend Sarah & I walked 10.6 miles on Saturday (in the pouring rain). Around the 5 mile marker we almost stepped on a Copperhead snake. Lucky for us it was already dead. We were on a trail for walkers/runners & bikers so I have to assume a biker must have run over it. Between the pouring rain and the snake it was one of the most adventurous walks I've been on. I will be so glad when the half marathon gets here (2 weeks to go). I've decided that walking isn't near as fun as running and in fact it is downright boring. My walking partner Sarah has a theory and I might have to agree with her. She said when you run you are concentrating on breathing and staying alive and so you don't spend near as much time wondering when you will be done. We were soaked after our walk so we decided a nice brunch at I-HOP was just the cure for aching prune feet. So much for burning off all those calories!

Where is God?

2009-09-20T17:06:00.004-04:00

This week in the local news a newborn baby was abandoned in a storm drain. The 18 year old mother showed up at the hospital and said she had just given birth and placed the baby in a trash receptacle at a gas station. When the police searched the area they didn't find the baby. Upon talking to the 19 year old father they found out that he had placed the baby in a muddy storm drain. It has been raining for a solid week here. The baby boy was found alive, but died a few hours after being taken to the hospital. The couple said the baby was born dead and they didn't know what to do with him, however the police report the baby was in good health, alive and making noise when they found him. This could have been avoided because Georgia has a Safe Place for Newborns Act of 2002 which allows a mother to leave her newborn baby within seven days of birth at any hospital in Georgia.

I can't help but think why did God bless this young couple with a baby when they had planned to discard it like a bundle of trash? Where is my baby? Why won't God bless me with a baby? This has been such a rough 2.9 years and when I hear about something so henious as putting a tiny newborn in a storm drain without a second thought I just can't help but wonder why God would allow this. I know we all have free will and that couple will have to answer to God for their actions but why them? When I heard this story on the news I could feel my heart start harden towards God. I'm angry and bitter and discouraged and disappointed and the list goes on and on.

I want God to bless me and lift this pain from my broken heart. I want to believe in miracles and prayer. I want to be a mother!

Shower

2009-09-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

I went to the couples shower for my friend J on Saturday and had a nice time. It was basically like an adult party, lots of alcohol and yummy party food and a big stack of gifts wrapped in cute baby paper (okay that was the not so normal part of the party). I just avoided that area of the house so I could continue to pretend like this was just a party. We stayed about 2 hours and when it came time for the gifts to be opened I chicken out and went home. I felt bad that I just couldn't stay, but I felt like leaving was in my best interest. My friend J looked really beautiful with her big twins belly and her pregnancy glow. She has had a really rough pregnancy so it was nice to see her acting like her normal social self. She hugged me when I left and told me how much it meant for me to be there and I was happy to have been able to share the evening with her.

Tanning Bed?

2009-09-11T21:27:00.002-04:00

I was at the gym on Wednesday and my trainer said "have you been in the tanning bed?" I said "no, why am I red?" He said "yes" and I said "well I'm having a hot flash". My neck and chest were beet red and I felt like I was on fire from the inside out. He then asked me if it was because I was old or because of the medicine. As I punched him in his big bicep, I said it is the medicine. It is really funny because he knows everything going on with me in my quest to get pregnant. He even explained to a mutual friend of mine that I was going through menopause right now and she asked why and he said because I had a hostile uterus that I was trying to correct.

The other bad side effects I've been experiencing are headaches, trouble sleeping and night sweats. I had a really bad headache last night that turned into a migraine and caused me to be late to work. I would have loved to call in sick but I had way to much that needed to be done. Luckily my darling doctor husband loaded me up with drugs and I was able to drag myself to work.

Tomorrow is the couples shower for my friend J that is pregnant with twins. I visited with J on Monday and when I mentioned that one of the kitties nibbled off the corner of her gift she said are you really coming to the shower because I would totally understand if you couldn't handle it. I told her I was planning to come and she burst into tears and told me that it meant so much to her because she knew how hard this would be. I'm so glad that she understands and it makes me really want to do this for her. Maybe the acupuncturist can work a little magic on me to keep my emotions under control. At least my hubby will be there with me (and my friend Sarah).

The 1/2 marathon is less than one month away. (The one I'm walking). Sarah & I had a practice walk on Saturday and we did quite well. We walked 11 1/2 miles in 3 hours. It was fun but I got a huge blister on my heel. Unbelievable. I ran a marathon and didn't get a blister like the one I just got. It seems to be much better and I put some different insoles in my shoes so hopefully I will have better luck this week. I walked 5 miles last night and my feet felt fine.

Thanks to all those who have served or are currently serving our country in the armed forces. I have 2 nephews that are in the Army and I'm so very proud of them.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

2009-09-08T21:15:00.002-04:00

The hot flashes have begun. They are so strange, it feels like you are heating up from the inside out. It seems like the last time I went through medical menopause that nothing really happened in the first month. I've only had a couple of flashes but I can tell the "fun" is just around the corner.

It is hard having an infertility blog and nothing related going on. I guess this will just be a ME blog for the next 3 months. I hope I don't bore everyone to death over the next 3 months. It was nice to have an extra day off this weekend. I didn't do much but I did get to visit my friend J that is pregnant with twins. It is bittersweet to see her. She and I were running partners and we use to work together. We spent many hours together running and training for our 1/2 marathons and then our full marathon. We would run together at least 4 days every week. Then I started trying to get pregnant in January 2007 and she started in May 2007. Nothing happened for either one of us. I went to see an RE and a few months later she followed behind me to see the same RE. After her first unsuccessful IVF she decided to go to the famous Colorado clinic and now she is 22 weeks pregnant with twins. I could not more thrilled for her but we both hoped to be able to go through this together and have our babies at the same time. She is due to deliver the same month that I have my transfer - December. Her baby shower is this weekend and I'm planning to attend. I was not able to attend my sister-in-laws shower because I was so raw from IVF #3. My friend J is having an evening couples shower and since I get to take my husband with me I think it will be okay.

Random Act of Kindness

2009-09-02T22:34:00.004-04:00

I received this card in the mail yesterday from my aunt in Indiana. It said on the outside "Hello" and then inside "hope you know how often we think of you and pray for you". I only see my aunt & uncle about once every two years, so I'm not as close to them as I'd like to be but I just wanted to say that this random act of kindness really put a smile on my face. Sometimes just knowing someone is thinking about you and praying for you can make all the difference in the world. My aunt wrote in the card that she was thinking about me as she studied Luke 1 & 2, how God blessed Elizabeth with child when she didn't think it was possible. She wrote that God's plans are perfect and best but it is hard sometimes waiting for his perfect timing. I have to admit I've been a bit mad at God lately. I think that is a normal feeling and all children get mad at their parents from time to time. I wish I could look into the future and know what God's plan for my life are. The waiting is so hard and I still have 3 longs months to endure.

Thanks Melva & Darrel for the beautiful and thoughtful card. It really meant a lot to me at this dark time in my life.

Stop Thinking

2009-08-30T09:18:00.005-04:00

Stop Thinking. This was the advice I got from my acupuncturist yesterday after I told her everything I was going through right now. I told her that I felt discouraged and sad about how bad my uterus was and the fact that I have to do 3 months of menopause. She said that I needed to trust the doctors and spend the next 3 months reading books and maybe planning a trip. She also said that I could talk to her when I felt bad. Another friend of mine suggested going to see a therapist but I don't think I'm at that stage just yet. I'm not really sure what anyone could say to me to make me feel better or enlighten me. It is what it is. I've just entered menopause and I need to find a way to make the next 3 months pass by quickly.

Speaking of passing the time away I am planning to walk a 1/2 marathon in October. You have to be able to walk at 16 minute mile pace or a bus will pick you up if you are unable to maintain that pace. Talk about an incentive to walk quickly. I walked 5 miles yesterday at an average pace of 14.40 and that was with some nice hills thrown in. It will be a new experience to walk in a "race" since in my life before IF (infertility) I was a runner. I've actually run 4 1/2 marathons (with a finish time always just under 2 hours) and I ran the Marine Corp marathon in Washington DC in 2006. Now I'm off to pass a little time away.

1 Down 2 to Go

2009-08-27T19:39:00.007-04:00

The first shot is done, only 2 more to go! I'm trying to think positive but that is so hard to do. The thought of spending the next 90 days in menopause is enough to drive a girl to eat cake and ice cream. I actually had a piece of cake today at work. It cheered me up for about the amount of time it took to eat it. I'm having Chinese food for dinner so maybe a little more comfort food will do the job.

Back to the huge 2 inch needle on the shot - yikes it hurt! Of course my DH is saying don't clinch and what did I do? Clinched up! How can you control that? My mind is sending signals to my body is saying "don't do this". I guess I forgot how painful an intramuscular shot can be. My hat goes off to all the girls who do intramuscular progesterone shots. All my progesterone has been vaginal suppositories. I was limping around last night and my booty still hurts today. I think I will use that and the rain for the reason I didn't go for a run or get on the elliptical when I got home from work.

Thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments this week. I really needed all those virtual hugs and real hugs from my in-real life friends.

Pity Party

2009-08-24T21:43:00.004-04:00

Today was back to reality day. Back to work and back to facing the fact that I'm infertile. It is so easy to forget all your worries when you are on a fabulous vacation. Even though I was receiving my shot each morning while on vacation I just pushed everything else to the back of my mind. Yesterday I started thinking about the biopsy results and when they might come back and hopefully it would be by the end of this week, etc. Well I got a call TODAY and the results were back and they were ABNORMAL - again. I was so crushed. My doctor left a message with the results and requested I call him back. He even gave me his cell phone number to contact him. I'm glad I had time to process the results before I actually spoke to him. I got up and shut my office door and had a little cry before I called him back.

At this point I have two options 1. medical menopause (induced with 1 Lupron Depot shot each month for 3 months) or 2. use a surrogate. That's it. Neither of us wants to use a surrogate so I'm going to do the 3 months of menopause - AGAIN. I will take my first shot on Wednesday (if the pharmacy gets it in time). One shot is $650.00 and not covered by insurance. I know I should not complain because so much of our infertility has been covered by insurance which has been a real blessing. It is so hard for me to understand why I cannot catch a break. I've given up so much and sacrificed so much and it feels like it has all been for nothing. I'm no closer to getting pregnant than I was on the day we started trying to conceive. I have 3 perfect frozen embryos and a crappy uterus. I've been doing weekly acupuncture since November (also not covered by insurance) and my uterus doesn't seem to be any better, however I did get some nice embryos after I started going regularly so I guess it hasn't been a total waste.

I'm having a pity party for one tonight. I just feel so beaten down, discouraged and really let down by God. There are so many people praying for me and I'm praying for a miracle and it just seems to be falling on deaf ears. I know God has a plan for me but I really feel like it doesn't include a family of my own.

I'm going back to my pity party which doesn't include cake and ice cream. Maybe it should.

Roatan Vacation Part 2

2009-08-19T19:23:00.005-04:00

Our vacation is passing by too fast. I can't believe it is already Wednesday. We are having a great time and have been spending a lot more time underwater than above water.

I've pushed my infertility issues out of my mind for the week but it seems to be surfacing in my subconscious because the last 2 nights I've dreamed I was pregnant. There is no chance of that happening on this trip since AF followed me on the trip. So much for a romantic vacation.

We dove a wreck site today and we saw 12 groupers just hanging around. There was one very friendly grouper who was interested in what I was doing. He was so close I was able to reach out my hand and actually touch him. As you can see he was huge (about 30 - 40 lbs and 3 feet long). I normally love to eat grouper but now I will feel guilty the next time I'm in a restaurant and see grouper on the menu.

We will be doing 4 dives tomorrow. Three during the day and then one night dive. Those are the best because you see a lot of sea life that normally hides during the day. It is also feeding time at night and the ocean is a whole different place during the dark. I'll post again tomorrow.

Roatan Vacation Part 1

2009-08-18T18:39:00.011-04:00

We left Atlanta on Saturday for a dive vacation in Roatan (an island off the coast of Honduras). It is beautiful here and the diving has been amazing. We came here about 3 years ago during Thanksgiving and it rained every single day. When our plane landing it started to rain and we both said "oh no not again". However, it stopped raining, the sun came out and it has been gorgeous ever since. On Sunday we got up early (the downside to diving) and went for our first dive at 8.15 am. We saw a crab whose pinches were as thick as my forearms, he could have feed a family of 4. We also saw a huge green moray eel tucked in a hole but if he had of been swimming he would have been about 6 feet long. His body was about 25 inches around. We did a second dive around 11am and a third dive around 2.30. Day two was the same thing, lots of diving and neat stuff under water.

Day 3 (today) we did 2 morning dives and then we went around the mountain to different resort to do a dolphin dive. This resort has a dolphin sanctuary and they have a lot

of dolphins that live in huge corrals. They have trained 3 large males to come out to a dive sight and interact with the divers. When we got there they take you to one of the corrals and introduce you to one of the other dolphins. You get to touch the dolphin and watch it do some tricks. This is to give you a background on dolphins. We even got to touch the dolphins teeth. Little did we know this would be the closest we would get to a dolphin because the dolphin dive was a BUST. We dove for 45 minutes and the 3 males never joined us. I guess that goes to show that even though you train a wild animal they are still wild and have a mind of their own. At least we got a refund.

Our condo is the on the top floor (left side) of this building and is very nice. We have seen some really pretty hummingbirds and the grounds and pool are incredible.

Tomorrow will be more diving and a new adventure.

Lovely Blog Award

2009-08-12T22:38:00.014-04:00

I just found out I was awarded the Lovely Blog award by 3 different girls. How cool is this. Kelli at Life, Love and TTC Mysteries sent me the award, then Melissa at What? IF?!, then I got a third award from Jenicini at Trying to get knocked up by another man. Thanks girls for taking the time to read my blog. I can't wait to read your blogs and see what you are going through. It is so nice to know someone else going through the same thing who can relate to you.

Biopsy Bliss

2009-08-12T22:11:00.003-04:00

I had the biopsy today for the EFT (endometrial function test). The biopsy will be sent via FedEX to the doctor at Yale that created the test. The results should be back in 2-3 weeks and I'm praying for a normal test result.

I'm going to explain how the biopsy is performed so if you are squeamish you might want to skip this part. First thing after the speculum was inserted the doctor sprayed my cervix with a numbing spray. This spray burns really bad to the point my toes were curling and I was moaning "Holy Cow That HURTS", the next step is when the doctor says okay now you will feel a little pinch as he inserts a needle full of numbing medicine into the cervix. A little pinch is a gross understatement. As this happened I was moaning "this REALLY hurts". The spray was in order to allow him to give me the injection. I cannot even imagine what this test would be like if I wasn't numbed up. After everything is numb he then inserts a long 16 inch plastic tube through the cervix into the uterus and pinches off a bit of the uterus. The minute that tube hits the cervix there is a revolt by the cervix and it starts to cramp. And I mean really cramp. I'm about to hyperventilate while I try to take some deep breaths and he tells me to count to 10 really slow. Then it is over. Just like that. The cramping lasts about 5 more minutes and I'm done. Thank God for small miracles. I went and had some lunch and then went back to work.

After reading that description I hope you get a realization of just what I went through because this next bit is about the last biopsy I had back in June. I went through all of the above steps and right after the doctor handed the nurse the biopsy in a little cup I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye. I immediately said "did you just drop that?" and she had. A little piece of my uterus was laying on the floor in a puddle of stinking preservation liquid. YES the test had to be repeated (minus the numbing spray & shot). The nurse said that was the first time anything like that had happened to her and she was almost in tears as she went to get another little container for round 2. That same nurse today asked someone else to assist with the biopsy because she still felt so bad about what happened.

The only good thing that happened today was I get to stop the messy progesterone suppositories and the estrace (estrogen) pills. I have to continue with my morning shot of Lupron because hopefully the test will come back normal and I will be able to transfer the embryos back to my uterus in September.

Quotes to Remember

2009-08-11T22:31:00.006-04:00

I read this quote yesterday and it seemed appropriate for everything I've been going through.

I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us. ~ Dorothy Dix

My biopsy is tomorrow and I'm really trying not to dread it (even though I know it is really painful). I'm trying to not be scared about what the results might be. I've been praying constantly for the results to be normal so I can proceed with the embryo transfer in September.

I'll post again tomorrow and let everyone know how it goes.

I took the below picture in my back yard. We have a brick wall and this "flower" was growing in the middle of it. It just goes to show no matter how impossible something seems the impossible can happen. I think this is God's way of reminding me that it only takes one little seed to grow something beautiful.

Biopsy Bound

2009-08-04T22:06:00.004-04:00

I went for blood work today and my E2 rose to 190 so I am starting the next step of the process tonight which is the progesterone suppositories. I am now taking an injection in the morning, 2 pill orally 3 times a day and 1 suppository vaginally 3 times a day. I think I've got all my bases covered now. I have the alarm set on my phone to remind me of all the stuff I need to do and when I need to do it.

The big bad biopsy is scheduled for next Wednesday August 12th. For those of you that are my prayer warriors, please pray that the results come back normal so I can do the embryo transfer in September. If for some reason the results come back abnormal then I will have to do one injection a month of Lupron Depot for 3 months. This is NOT FUN! The monthly injection puts me into menopause and while not having a period for 3 months is great, the hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings are NOT worth the trade off. I now know what menopause feels like and I'm not looking forward to it. (The reason I know this is I did the Lupron Depot injections last summer). Last summer during my last month of medical menopause we went on an Alaskan cruise. I was probably the only woman under the age of 50 standing on her private balcony in her bra & panties trying to cool down. My husband got a kick out of that, while he stayed in the heated cabin under a blanket.

Stings like a Bee

2009-08-01T14:52:00.003-04:00

Have you ever been stung by a bee? It really hurts! It is amazing that something so small can inflict so much pain. That is what Thursday felt like to me. We had cake day at work to celebrate all the July birthdays and since my birthday was in July I felt obligated to go have a piece of cake. I saw a girl that had just returned from maternity leave and I asked her how her new baby was doing. Her response was "he's a pain in the ass". I'm not making this up. How do you even respond to that? I wanted to shake her and say "be thankful, he is a gift from God". Maybe she was tired or having a bad day, who knows. She told me it took her 10 years to get pregnant with her first child (no medical intervention) and then six months after giving birth she was knocked up again. You would think that someone that went that long childless would be even more thankful for their children.

Then later in the same day I saw a girl in my division who is normally slim and wears fitted outfits wearing something quite baggy. I asked another girl if E was pregnant and she said yes she is 3 months along. About four months ago a girl brought in her new baby to show him off and we were all standing around cooing over him when E said we want to have another baby and I'm going to have my IUD taken out next month. I swear E got pregnant the day after having her IUD taken out. UGH! Some days I feel like I cannot catch a break. I know life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah. But it does feel a bit like being stung like a bee. Painful.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my blood work and ultrasound. My lining measured at 8.8 which is really good, but my estrogen level was only 125 and my doctor wants it to be around 175 - 200 before I start the progesterone. I have to go back on Tuesday for another blood draw and then I'll know if I can start the progesterone. I certainly hope so because we are leaving for vacation on Aug 15 and I NEED to have the biopsy before we leave town.

Yesterday's History and Tomorrow's a Mystery

2009-07-29T20:49:00.004-04:00

I'm just dropping in to say nothing much is going on right now. I'm still talking my Estrace pills and Lupron injections every day. I just looked at the calendar and realized I've had at least one injection every day for almost 60 days. Wow, that is a lot of shots. My DH comes in every morning on his way out the door and gives me my morning injection along with a kiss goodbye. I barely even wake up when he gives me the injection. How sad is that.

I have an appointment on Friday morning for blood work and an ultrasound to determine if I'm ready to start progesterone suppositories (yuck). This will be the last drug that I have to introduce into the "mix" in order to get my body ready for the biopsy. This protocol will be the same one I'll be on before transferring the embryos back into my uterus.

I'll check back on Friday with an update.

Forgotten Pleasures

2009-07-25T15:50:00.003-04:00

When you are going through an IVF cycle there are so many things you have to give up, such as,caffeine, anti-inflammatory drugs, allergy medicines, ALCOHOL, vigorous exercise (such as running) and the list goes on and on. I refer to this period of time as "being pure". A friend of mine even went on a special diet that excluded wheat and dairy products. That was a bit too hard core for me and I've already made so many sacrifices I just couldn't handle the diet on top of everything else.

I recently been reintroducing all the above back into my life. I am having a nice ice tea with lunch, I ran 3 miles on Thursday and I then took an anti-inflammatory afterwards and the last two weekends I reintroduced a bit of alcohol back into the mix. Of course last night I reintroduced a bit too much alcohol to my body and I was paying for it this morning. I drank a ton of water and I'm feeling better now. When I went for my weekly acupuncture visit this afternoon I didn't mention the alcohol because my acupuncturist frown on alcohol consumption.

A quick update as to the status of things: I'm still taking my daily Lupron shot and I'm taking Estrace pills twice a day. By my estimates the biopsy will be around August 12 or 13th, right before our holiday.

New Blogger

2009-07-21T21:44:00.003-04:00

Welcome New Readers. This is my first time to participate in International Comment Leaving Week (IComLeavWe). I am a very new blogger but not new to the world of infertility. I just finished my 5th IVF and we did CGH testing and froze the embryos. You can read my first post on June 4th and June 11th to get the background on.

For my family and friends I'm sure you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about. There is a very famous blogger (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com) and she has a list of blogs each month and you choose 5 to read each day and leave comments. This is a good way to learn about other girls experiences and offer support to them and receive support from them.

I hope everyone enjoys my blog. It has been a great experience to be able to put into words my feelings and share this with my family and friends. Thanks for reading!

Birthday Wishes Do Come True

2009-07-19T18:51:00.006-04:00

I had a fantastic birthday weekend. It started with dinner on Friday night with my girlfriends. Thanks girls for the wonderful dinner and yummy margaritas - cheers! Then on Saturday night my hubby took me for a nice romantic dinner and he even bought me a sweet romantic card (not typical for him). My weekend ended with my mom going to church with me, then brunch at Flying Biscuit and a funny play at Ansley Park Playhouse called Sunday at Loehmans.

My birthday wish that came true was I got a phone call right when I was walking out the door to church from my RE. The results from the CGH testing came back. We have 2 normal embryos out of the seven that were tested. Unbelievable! I am on cloud nine with this news. This is such a sign of encouragement from God.

The next big hurdle is to get my uterine lining corrected. This is the last major issue I'm dealing with before I get the green light to transfer the embryos back into my uterus. I will have a biopsy in about 25-27 days and it will take about 3 weeks for the test results to come back. I'm still doing my daily shot of Lupron and I will start taking Estrace this week (natural estrogen tablets). My RE is hoping that the mock transfer drugs will correct the issues with my lining. I guess I 'll know if it works in about 5 or six weeks.

Below is me celebrating one more year!

The F Word

2009-07-17T17:47:00.003-04:00

In my house the bad "F" word is forty or in my case 40 something. Today is my birthday and I'm one year older and one more year into my advanced maternal age. The older you get the less time you have for baby making.

Pregnancy rates over the course of one year)

Source: Management of the Infertile Woman by Helen A. Carcio and The Fertility Sourcebook by M. Sara Rosenthal

A woman's fertility starts to measurably decline around age 27, due to the depletion and aging of her eggs. For those under 30, it's estimated that the chance of getting pregnant in any one cycle is 20% to 30%. By age 40, it falls to 5%, according to the American Fertility Association.

Those are some scary rates. At age 42 I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant naturally and given all my problems I doubt I could ever get pregnant without major medical intervention. I know God can work miracles and I hope with him and the wonderful advancements in medicine I'll reach that goal sooner rather than later.

I'm off to get ready and go out with the girls for a fun night of food, margaritas and a little live music. The hubby is taking me to a posh restaurant tomorrow night. I plan to spend this weekend focusing on me and not my infertility.

I wanted to post a shout out to my wonderful parents. I'm lucky enough to have 2 full sets and I thank God for giving me such wonderful parents. I hope when I do have a baby I can be as wonderful to my child as my parents have been to me. I love you very much.

Lucky 7

2009-07-14T22:05:00.003-04:00

I got a call from my RE today and one more embryo made it the the blastocyst stage. This call did not come until 5:02pm. I was suffering all day wondering what was going on with my group of slow growing embryos. I feel like I got a bit of encouragement from God today with this news. Seven embryos will be tested and hopefully we won't be waiting too long on the results.

The Waiting Game

2009-07-13T22:12:00.003-04:00

Remember how hard it was when you were a kid waiting on Christmas or your birthday? That is what these past 5 days have seemed like. I did get some very good news from my RE today. As of today I had 13 embryos and 6 made it to the blastocyst stage. These were biopsied and immediately frozen. The lab is watching the other seven embryos and hopefully some of them will make it to the blastocyst stage tomorrow and those will also be frozen (they were biopsied today). The biopsy's of each embryo were sent to the fancy lab for CGH (genetic testing). The results will be back in 2 - 6 weeks.

The next step is for me to continue my daily shot of Lupron and wait for AF to start. Once my period begins I will start taking natural estrogen and on cycle day 25 I'll have another biopsy of my uterine lining. My RE is hoping that the drugs used when transferring the embryos back into the uterus will help straighten out my lining issues. If so, then I will be able to transfer the frozen embryos in September. If NOT, then I will do 3 long months of medically induced menopause and that will delay the embryo transfer until December or January 2010.

We started our baby making process in January 2007 - two and 1/2 long years ago. I am really praying for the best. I know God has a plan but it is so hard to understand the timing of his plan. I am attaching a link to my church message this past Sunday. It is about 32 minutes long and it was so powerful for anyone waiting for something in their life. I felt as though this message was written just for me. I have felt such utter despair and depression throughout this process. I try to live my life and not let my infertility rule my life but it is a struggle.

Here is the link: http://www.buckheadchurch.org/messages . Then click on The Waiting Room, message Forgotten 7/12/09. After hearing this message my prayer to God is "I need your encouragement. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm scared and I'm worn out. I'm going to choose to believe that you haven't forgotten me and that you are preparing me." Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. Please don't stop now.

The Long Wait

2009-07-09T20:49:00.002-04:00

I got the update call from my RE today and the good news is out of 26 eggs, 20 were mature and 16 were fertilized. That is excellent news and now the next big hurtle will be to see how many make it to day 5 (blastocyst stage). The wait until Monday will feel like forever and it is always scary wondering how many are going to "make it".

I had to go to work today because it is quarter end and I've got a huge reporting package that is due on Friday. I felt okay today but I'm extremely bloated. What normally happens is all the follicles fill up with fluid after the eggs are extracted. The full fluid filled follicles make me so bloated that it is hard to take a deep breath. It feels like something is pressing on my diaphragm. I have to follow a low sodium diet to help with the bloating. I go back to acupuncture on Saturday so hopefully that will help with the bloating.

Here are a few "fun" facts as to what it took to get to this point: 50 shots in the belly, 7 blood draws, 7 vaginal ultrasounds and countless acupuncture sessions. Not to mention lots of very early appointments to avoid missing time from the office.

The Lonely Uterus

2009-07-08T16:32:00.002-04:00

Today was the big day! We had to be at the clinic at 6am and my retrieval was at 7.30. My RE came in early so that he could personally do the retrieval himself. Now for the VERY good news he got a whooping 26 eggs. Not bad for someone that is 9 days away from turning 42 years old. I am pleased by the awesome number and now I'm patiently waiting to see how many of the 26 are mature and will be fertilized. The next report will be tomorrow afternoon.

The next major hurtle will be for the embryos to continue to grow and make it to the blastocyst stage which normally occurs on day 5. Boring and feel free to skip - definition of a blastocyst - an embryo that has developed for five to seven days after fertilization and has developed 2 distinct cell types and a central cavity filled with fluid (blastocoel cavity). The cells in a blastocyst have just started to differentiate. The blastocyst embryo transfer done on day 5 - at a more "natural" time for the embryos to be in the uterus, and very shortly before actual invasion and embryo implantation.

However many embryos that make it to this stage (and these will be the creme de la creme) will be sent off for CGH testing. This is HUGE news as I will be the first patient from my clinic to have their embryos sent for CGH testing. This is the testing cutting edge for at the very famous Colorado (CCRM) clinic. My embryos will be sent to the same lab that CCRM uses. CGH testing allows for the testing of all 23 chromosomes vs. PGD testing that only tests 9 chromosomes on day 3.

I'm praying for lots of my embryos to make it to the blastocyst stage. I figure like any good party the more the merrier.

I headed back to the couch as my pain meds seem to be wearing off now.

Trigger Happy

2009-07-06T20:18:00.002-04:00

At my appointment this morning I had 21 follicles and my E2 jumped to 5,149. I got the go ahead to give myself the trigger shot at 7:30 p.m. sharp and my retrieval will be on Wednesday morning at 7:30 am. My mom is taking me to the retrieval because my hubby has a hard time getting off work on such a short notice. His patients get really mad when they have to reschedule. Not to mention there is no one better than your mother when you don't feel well.

Wednesday will be a long day because we have to BE at the clinic at six a.m. At least I can spend the remainder of the day resting.

Double or Bust

2009-07-05T20:27:00.002-04:00

At this mornings appointment I still only have 17 follicles but they are growing. I actually think I have a few more than that but I got the weekend u/s tech who measures on the light side. The big (bad) news is my E2 (estradiol) increased to 4,368 which is 2,000 more than yesterday. This is not good and my RE is letting me skip tonight's shot. I have my shots in the morning at a reduced dosage and then I'm back tomorrow for my blood work and ultrasound. I also have my H&P appointment tomorrow with the doctor himself. (H&P - health and physical)

My uneducated guess right now is that I will take my trigger shot tomorrow and the eggs will be retrieved on Wednesday.

Fireworks & Explosions

2009-07-04T11:29:00.002-04:00

The fireworks today will be in honor of Independence Day and the explosions are what is happening to me right now.

I had 17 follicles at my morning check up and my E2 (estradiol) is 2,335. It is making a nice climb but is about exactly the same as my last cycle.

Dr G & I had a fabulous dinner last night and we are off to a cookout at my moms house today. I'm dragging my English friend Sarah with me but I told her we wouldn't make a big deal about gaining our independence from her country.

And then there were 10

2009-07-03T12:56:00.003-04:00

I had my follicle check this morning and I now have 10 (measurable) follicles. I know there are more but the u/s tech this morning isn't one of the regular girls and she measures a bit different. My estradiol was 1,687 - YIKES! It spiked over 700 points last night. I've already told my darling hubby that he needed to be extra nice to me today because I was not responsible for my actions. I guess it is a good thing that we already had reservations at a nice restaurant tonight so I won't be complaining that he never takes me anywhere or that I have to cook dinner. Ok, I admit I don't do much cooking to begin with.

I have another appointment at 8.15 am tomorrow, so much for sleeping in and enjoying the start of my holiday.

I need a bigger basket

2009-07-02T21:36:00.004-04:00

I've heard a pictures worth a thousand words, well todays picture is worth 5. What you see is a scan of my left ovary and the dark spots are the follicles. Today's check up revealed 5 more follicles for a total of 9. My estradial was 896 and I'm doing my best to keep the emotions under control. I warned 2 of my girlfriends before lunch today that if I burst into tears during lunch that they should just carry on and ignore me. Luckily that didn't happen and we had a nice lunch.

I will be going in every day from now until my trigger (the shot to "release" the eggs). I'm still exercising but at a much slower pace. I went for a 5 mile walk but I would not have won any prizes for my pace. At least I was willing to brave the 90+ degree heat for a nice stroll around the Chattahoochee river.

Basket full of Eggs

2009-06-30T22:29:00.002-04:00

I had my first round of blood work and follicle check this morning. The blood work is to check my estradiol level check (estrogen). In a natural cycle this number prior to ovulation is between 200 and 600. Mine today (cycle day 5) was 425, this number will continue to increase as I "grow" more follicles. As my estradiol continues to increase so will my emotions. Not a pleasant time for me.

Now on to the more exciting news - I had 4 measurable follicles today. Each follicles houses the egg. Hence the name of this post "basket full of eggs" because that is what my belly is beginning to feel like.

I get to skip tomorrows invasion at the clinic, but after that I will be going in daily for my blood work and vaginal ultrasound. Fun times are just around the corner.

Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am

2009-06-28T20:36:00.004-04:00

The shots are going well as you can see from the picture. My last IVF cycle was the first time I gave myself a shot. Up until that point Dr. G (my hubby) had been giving them to me, but one morning he has an early meeting and I was forced to inject myself. I remember sitting on the closed toilet seat holding the syringe giving myself a pep talk. You know the one, I can do this! My heart was pounding, my hands were sweating and I was holding the syringe an inch from my belly. Finally I took a deep breath and plunged in the tiny needle. My first thought was "this is not big deal". I honestly could not believe I got so worked up over something that didn't even hurt. I laughed to myself and said "I did it" and I've been doing it ever since. Dr. G was giving me my morning Lupron shot but now that I've moved onto the hard core drugs (which have to be mixed together) I just do it myself. I figure if I go to the trouble of mixing the drugs and preparing the shot I might as well just give it to myself.

Pins & Needles and Herbs, OH MY!

2009-06-27T23:26:00.003-04:00

I have to thank my wonderfully creative friend Sarah for the title today. I actually held a little contest among my friends to help me come up with a title for my blog. Jerri was the winner with Stork Stalker, but I plan to use some of the other ideas as titles to the daily posts. And yes, there was a prize. It was going to be a nice box of chocolates but my friend Jerri is on a diet so I gave her a bag of Dunkin Donuts coffee.

I went to my weekly acupuncture session today. I've been going weekly since November. I actually enjoy going and it is quite relaxing. The main purpose however is to improve the uterus. Based on my recent biopsy I'm not so sure, however I did get 3 normal embryos on my last IVF so maybe it is working. I've also been taking Chinese herbs daily to help with my overall health. I have to admit I'm fairly healthy. I exercise regularly, I try to eat right, I avoid caffeine during my IVF cycles and I haven't had a soda in over 12 years. Prior to trying to have a baby I was a runner. I even ran a marathon in 2006. Yet another thing I've given up in my pursuit to have a baby. Oh well, there is no point in looking back.

I'll leave you with a little picture from today's acupuncture session. I had 5 needles in my belly and 4 down each leg from my knee to my ankle. This photo only shows 4 (that is a ring in my belly button not a needle).

AF is Here!

2009-06-25T20:13:00.005-04:00

AF is finally here and she brought her evil cousin Cramps. I guess this is what happens when you don't have a period for 37 days. I went to my RE at 11 am today and I got the all clear to start the heavy duty drugs tomorrow. I will go from 1 shot in the stomach per day to 3 shots in the stomach per day. Two in the morning and one at night. My darling hubby likes to wake me up in the morning wielding the shot in one hand and a sweet "ready for your shot honey". I think he secretly likes giving me the shots and I often wonder if this is his revenge for my grumpiness. I've noticed that if I give myself the shot it normally doesn't hurt quite as bad. I wonder why that is??

Other news from my appointment this morning: I had 23 antral follicles. These are measured by a vaginal ultrasound and each follicle contains an immature egg that can potentially develop into a mature egg. 23 is VERY good especially considering my advanced maternal age.

I will try not to bore everyone with the minuet details but a little education is good for all of us. I going back to lie on the couch and hope the evil cramps are over soon.

Still No AF in sight

2009-06-22T21:59:00.002-04:00

As of today (cycle day 36) my period still hasn't started. UGH! It always starts when I don't want it to and never starts when I need it to. I did call my RE's nurse and she said if it hasn't started by Wednesday then I should come in and they will take a peek at my lining to see what is going on. I've got my fingers crossed that AF finds me tomorrow.

No AF In Sight

2009-06-17T21:48:00.003-04:00

In the infertility world AF means Aunt Flo or as I've always referred to it - my period! Right now I'm taking my morning shot of Lupron which is a suppression drug. The purpose of this shot (beside torture) is to suppress you from ovulating too soon. However you begin it on day 21 of your cycle and you are still suppose to have a period. You can't start the HEAVY duty stimulation shots until AF visits and as of today (cycle day 31) she still has not arrived. I don't know about you but when someone is late that is just plain rude.

Cross your fingers that she will be here soon. I'm ready to start my torturous 3 shots a day, bloating, cranky drugs! Good times are just around the corner.

I'm an Aunt but not a Mommy

2009-06-15T22:09:00.010-04:00

On Saturday June 13th I became an Aunt. My brother and his wife had their first child and my mother's first grandchild. This is my YOUNGER brother. Of course this is one of those happy fertile stories where his wife went off the pill and the very next month she was pregnant. She had a perfect pregnancy and now a perfect little baby girl named Olivia.

I didn't attend my sister-in-laws baby shower because it was just too much for me to handle. I had just finished IVF #4 and I just couldn't face a happy baby shower. I know that anyone going through infertility understands how hard a baby shower is, but unfortunately fertile people don't get it. However, I'm digressing here and there is no need to travel down that path now.

I went to see baby Olivia on Sunday when she was less than 24 hours old. I was really nervous because I didn't want to burst into floods of tears. I went alone and there was no one there to oohh and aaahh, except for me. I was able to spend some quality time with this new little family and my ever present emotions.

I have to tell you when I walked in the room and looked at my sister-in-law holding that perfect little baby I did get misty eyed. How could I not, she is perfect and a miracle and I'm glad that she is my brother's miracle. I got to sit in a rocking chair and hold perfect baby Olivia and she is so beautiful, with her ruby red lips and button nose. I looked down at her and I thought to myself I REALLY want one of these.

I've got a lot of people praying for my miracle. Hopefully I will get it soon.

Me & Baby Olivia

Big Bad Biopsy

2009-06-11T20:43:00.005-04:00

It has taken me almost a week to write this post about my abnormal biopsy. Please forgive me in advance for the length of this post but a little background is needed. IVF #1 we had 6 lovely embryos and due to my age (40 at the time) Dr. Terrific decided we should put them all back. After the long TTW (two weeks wait) we got a BFN (big fat negative). We decided to move forward with IVF #2 but this time we were going to do PGD (genetic) testing on the embryos. We had 12 embryos that made it to day 3 and only 2 that tested normal. We put these 2 back with high hopes and got another BFN. At this point my Dr. Terrific decided we should do a biopsy of my lining to see if maybe that was the problem. I did and EFT (endometrial function test) which is sent to Harvey Kliman at Yale Medical Center. This test the endometrium’s potential to support implantation. Mine came back abnormal. The treatment for this was one Lupron Depot shot once a month for three months. This is not to be confused with regular Lupron. The Lupron Depot was heavy duty and sends you into menopause. I now know what I have to look forward to when I get older and it isn’t going to be pleasant. BTW I did the menopause during the summer. Hot flashes in 90 degree temperatures are not a good thing.

After the 3 months we immediately did IVF #3. This cycle looked promising. I had 28 eggs retrieved, 19 were mature, and 14 were fertilized. We immediately froze 7 and did PGD testing on the remaining 7. All came back abnormal. That was a shocker. The next month we thawed out the 7 we had left and 5 made it through the thaw. We did PGD testing on those and an even bigger shocker all were abnormal. I was devastated to say the least. I picked myself up and started doing regular weekly acupuncture (I had been doing it but only for a few weeks before each cycle). I decided to give that 3 months and then move forward to IVF #4.

In March 2009 I did IVF #4. My plan was to do PGD testing and then immediately freeze the embryos so that I could repeat the biopsy the following month. The PGD yielded 2 normals and 1 that “appears to be normal”. I was so happy until I spoke to the embryologist and found out that 2 of the 3 were slow growers and probably would not survive. That basically left us with ONE good/normal embryo. I moved forward with the biopsy and decided to do one FINAL IVF to try to get at least one more good/normal embryo so that we could put back 2 normals.

Then the bomb dropped when the biopsy came back abnormal. I have to admit I wasn’t totally surprised but I guess I didn’t realize the impact of what this meant. Dr. Terrific said we could do one of three things. 1. Nothing and put back the embryos. 2. Mock transfer cycle with medicines and repeat the biopsy to see if that makes a difference. 3. Use someone else’s uterus (a surrogate). WHAT? I don’t want to use someone else’s uterus. I want to use mine! I want mine fixed. If only it were that easy.

I have decided after IVF# 5 that I will be choosing option #2. There will be more to follow on this subject as time progresses. I do apologize for the length of this post but now everyone is caught up.

Young Love

2009-06-07T21:34:00.004-04:00

Don't you just love young love. I went to my nephew's wedding yesterday. He is 1 month shy of 19 years old and the bride is 17 1/2 years old. It was a lovely little ceremony and they seemed so happy and in love. Not bitter and jaded. Oh wait, that's me. Did I mention the bride is 5 1/2 months pregnant. I'm green with envy. I wish I could take a roll in the hay and wind up pregnant, instead of injecting tons of hormones into my belly. Speaking of hormones, I had my first day 21 injection of Lupron. Fun days are ahead and my husband is already looking forward to the green eye hormonal monster that is just ahead. I hit my face with the curling iron this morning (I know, who does something that stupid) and now I have a nice burn mark on my jaw line. My husband wanted to know if it was hormonal clumsiness. Yikes, I hope that isn't a new side effect.

BTW, I was so excited to see comments by girls from other blogs. I plan to check out your blogs and thanks for taking the time to read mine.

Special Delivery

2009-06-04T21:27:00.001-04:00

Special Delivery but it wasn't from the stork. Maybe the stork's little helper? Actually it was a big box of fertility drugs, guaranteed to make me cranky and bloated but not necessarily pregnant. But a girl can dream.

This is my first posting on my new blog. I have long been a stalker of other blogs but have yet to actually write one myself. I decided as I enter into my 5th IVF I would like to keep a virtual record of my experience. Yes, I said my 5th IVF. I will save that post for later as to how I wound up traveling down this long road. It's late so I'll leave the back story for this weekend.